One in a 150,000

Did you know that in the time that took you just to read this title, already 2 people have died? Their souls have vanished, gone from the face of the earth forever. Their bodies might remain, but just temporarily until it decays to form one with the earth. Each day, there are over 150, 000 deaths.

I personally know a few people who have passed away. And I also know some who will, very soon. And even scarier, I know there are some who will die all of a sudden without warning. But the worst of it all? It’s that there are many seemingly living people who are really…dead.

I’m sorry for sharing these horrible facts. But they are the sobering truth, after all. What puts me in this somber mood? Well, I have been reading my previous diaries…And they sure weren’t pretty. I was one of those dead-living people. Let me just share one particular entry with you:

August 28, 2007

I worry too much. I worry all the time, constantly, unceasingly; little nagging and panicked voices buzzing and whining in my head. I don’t get a break. Ever. Not when I’m driving. Not when I’m walking to classes, not when I’m grocery shopping, not even when I sleep, where I’ll be worrying about the disturbing images I see.

Sometimes, I wake up feeling terrified, depressed, frightened, or angry, and I don’t know why. I’ve forgotten what dreams I’d had that weighs me with such undesirable emotions. But the residue of oppressive feeling and thoughts remains like a bad stain from a bloody murder.

I know I’m incredibly unhappy. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything I’m so obsessed about. That’s exactly it. An obsession. A horrid, life-wrecking, lonely, indelible and distasteful obsession.

Why can’t I let it go? My soul…I can feel it rotting away more and more each day. I can practically see myself turning into something inhumane with every single ticking second…

I wish…everyone will leave me alone.
I wish…I can just be left alone to do whatever the hell I want
I wish…I can commit suicide without the consequences of my family, friends, and afterlife.
I wish…I can stop…just stop…STOP!!!

I couldn’t help crying when I read this. Who the hell is this person? I can barely recognize myself, that bitter, angry, severely unhappy girl who just didn’t want to live. Who gave up on living. Who saw nothing good in herself or life.

So I tried to kill myself, but in subtle ways. I shunned other people, killing my social life. I drove recklessly, unconsciously hoping I would just crash and be granted an instant death. I binged, purged, and starved, feeling the energy and health suck out of me day by day. I was a zombie, feeling so hollow and empty inside.

What made me snap out of this? I can’t pinpoint the exact time and location, but I know I slowly revived as I realized how precious my life is. There are people dying each day, fighting for their lives, while I ungratefully puttered mine out like it was a toy train. I witnessed the death of my grandfather, who tried so hard to stay alive. I witnessed the pain and suffering of various people, struggling so hard to be healed. And I also realized I was loved…I was worthy enough to be loved!

To have a life…that is in itself a huge blessing, a reason to give thanks for. God only gave me one life after all, a unique and individual life that is no one else’s but mine. I will one day join that 150, 000 people, but before then, I truly intend to use it well. And I hope you do, too.

Okay, pretty heavy stuff for a food blog. But I just had this strong desire to share today’s little insight with you. And besides, today’s lunch was pretty bloody…as in, bloody red and bloody good!

Anyone ever tried bulgur before? Today was the first time I experimented with it, and despite a few doubts, I actually really, really liked it!

Bulgur Pilaf in Chipotle-Kabocha Blood Sauce
( I was gonna use the word “blood” but decided it sounds kinda unappealing…hee)

Chipotle-Kabocha Sauce:

  • 1/4 cup mashed kabocha (or any winter squash would do)
  • 1 chipotle chili with adobo sauce
  • 1/2 cup chicken broth
  • 2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed orange juice
  • 1 clove garlic, minced

Bulgur Pilaf:

  • 1/2 cup dry bulgur
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 4 strips grilled chicken, shredded
  • handful grape tomatoes, sliced
  • 1 stalk green onion, chopped
  • 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, plus more for topping
  • salt and pepper

For the sauce, just heat up everything together in a small saucepan, then blend it up into a puree.

For the pilaf, cook the bulgur in the chicken broth until triple in size and cooked through. Toss in the rest of the ingredients, mix well, turn off heat.

Lay the sauce in a pool on a plate. Stuff the bulgur-pilaf into a small bowl, then flip it over onto the center of the sauce. Top with a bit more of the cheese. Enjoy!
DSC02449 Now doesn’t that look impressive!
DSC02448 I really loved the texture of the bulgur: chewy, sort of crunchy, and nutty!
DSC02452 Gotta have cheese!
DSC02451 The hot bulgur sort of cooked up the tomatoes, so there was extra flavor which melded with the shredded chicken…
Love the sauce! Spicy and sweet and flavorful…It went so well with the pilaf!
DSC02457Don’t you love the green spoon? I saved it from my trip to Yogurt Land :-)
 DSC02456 Each bite was so precious, I didn’t want it to end!

Well that was one heck of a post xp. Next time I’ll try to lighten it up!

Question of the day: Let’s at least keep the question fun and light. What is your favorite grain?

P.S. Did you know you can rate each other’s comment? You’re welcome to! It’d be great if there were some interaction in the comment thread! But one rule: No rating “thumbs down”…unless that the commenter is anonymously cursing someone out.

P.P.S. Yo, are you stalking me on twitter yet?

115 responses to “One in a 150,000

  1. I’m glad there is someone out there who struggled as much as I did with eating disorder issues! And I’m even more glad that both of us made it through and God showed us better times:) Your recipe looks amazing too!

  2. I like all the grains and this looks sooooooo delicious.

  3. Your posts are always so inspirational. Best of luck at USC this semester and keep up the amazing blogging!

    Food looks great and cute spoon btw :)

  4. i love how you find these ways to tie in stories to your meals. you have amazing recipes, and amazing experiences to share. And yes, life is precious – it’s crazy how easily we can forget that sometimes.

  5. Ok. It really struck me when you said you were killing yourself in little ways. I used to do the same thing. Actually, if I’m honest I still do at times… I’m working on it to. I want to LIVE and I’m glad that you’re LIVING too!

    Blood, gross… but the dish looks great!

  6. I’m so glad you found the joy in life again. You are very courageous.

  7. Wow, what a powerful post! Life is so, so short and sometimes I need to remember that. It’s fleeting, really. Death is a reality. And, while we have this life, it is so sad to not really LIVE. You are living now, so no need to revisit the past, except to see how far you’ve come and how much you appreciate this life now. This was very inspiring for me today. I still get stuck on the little details of life sometimes, but I realize none of it matters that much. Life is a beautiful gift to be unwrapped with a smile :)

  8. you are so creative in the kitchen, i love it. and the first half of this post is incredible. just goes to show how far you’ve come (i know i’ve said that before), but it kinda brought chills down my spine. you seem like you have such a zest for living life to teh fullest, i’m glad you’re on the right track!

  9. I am so glad you found your way out of the dark, you are amazing! I have some Bulgur but have been afraid of it!

  10. As I read that I had a knot in my stomach and tears streaming down my face because I was that girl! That girl who hated life, who tried to (I can’t even say it) but I have the battle scars to prove it and that day where I slept for over 24 hours only to awaken in a bed of vomit that I know saved my life in the end.

    Life can test us in so many ways and it’s what we take from it that build our characters. I am so happy that you came out on the other side!

  11. I’ve had some pretty dark moments in my past to the point where I literally almost died, not just emotionally, but physically too. But that’s over and I’ve moved on to a brighter future. Anyway…I’m glad you’ve turn things around and now enjoy the wonders of life.

    Nice job on the pilaf!!

    PS. added you on twitter

  12. I’m so glad that you toughed it through because you are an AMAZING person that is full of life! I love your bulgur creation…I’ve only used bulgur for tabbouleh, but your recipe looks fantastic! Bulgur is up there on my list of faves as are wheatberries and quinoa!

  13. Oh Sophia…I am so happy that you are such a strong woman, so that I was able to cross paths with you in this life!! Keep the positive attitude…and keep cooking meals like this. MmMmMmM…delicious (how ’bout we swap…my curry for your bulgur)! ;)

  14. You are so inspiring.

    I didn’t know you were on Twitter!

  15. Wow–look at how far you have come! You truly love yourself now and realize this–that is so beautiful to see! I am so proud of you…

  16. That dish looks great! I do love the mini spoon :)

    My favorite grain is couscous! It’s just so small and fun!

  17. What a deep post! I definitely enjoyed it. I love how open you are. Thank you for sharing this!

    Mmm that looks delicious! My favorite grain?? Hmm that’s a toughie!
    <3 jess

  18. Wow that is heavy stuff but I am entirely amazed by your courage and strength to share this. You really have developed an amazing sense of true purpose in your life that is so commendable and admirable.
    You continue to inspire me each and every day! ;)

    Love ya girl!

  19. Wow, what a different tone in your “voice”, you’ve come so far since you wrote that, it’s so clear, and I know it’s clear to you too. I look back at my journal entries a lot and remember bad times, and bad moments in my life. It’s refreshing because it reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am today.

    I’ve had bulgur once, and it was boring. Your dish, however, looks amazing! My favorite grain is Quinoa…or no, it’s OATS!

  20. that was a very moving post and you are soo strong, girl!!! very inspirational too..

    ohh..i love bulgur too! :)

  21. That looks so delicious to me Sophia! I think my favorite grain is probably quinoa and next would be rice. Although I don’t like plain rice too much, I always spice it up with something else in the water as it cooks to absorb flavor into it.

  22. How courageous of you to share such an intimate time in your life. Reflection is a powerful friend. Thank you:)

    I fave couscous. However, I am truly inspired to try bulgur again after this creative post. I’m following you NOW!!!

  23. I always save cute plastic spoons from places, makes me feel spesho ;)

    Oh and my favorite grain is brown rice. It takes forever to cook in the ricecooker but the results are fantastic!

  24. Wow, so glad you decided to make a change, as you have certainly impacted in a positive way so many people.

  25. How funny… I’ve only tried bulgur once, but it was in a bulgur pumpkin pilaf! (I’d use kabocha if I were to make it again… I’m not the biggest fan of pumpkin!)

    I also “recycle” spoons from yogurt shops! ;)

    Favorite grain… oh that’s a hard one!! Kasha (buckwheat groats) count?

    It is so sad to read how much hatred you had for yourself and your life — but it is awesome how far you’ve come!!
    <3 <3

  26. I almost cried when I read this. It’s really personal but also completely relatable.

  27. I so understand the suicidal thoughts… I had them when I had EDs – it’s terrible what I tried to do to inflict pain on myself etc.. I think if I had died then, I wouldn’t be where I am today – so that’s indeed a sobering thought.

  28. it took me awhile to realize that this body i have, is a gift from God and I have to treat it like a temple. also, i used to want to die, but now i’ve grown! thansk for reading my blog!

  29. Okay, I know you wanted to keep it light, but I SO get what you were talking about at the beginning. I spent a good chunk of my high school years trying to do myself in (behaving recklessly, etc). Now I value my life, and my body, more than ever. I can’t imagine some of the things I used to put myself through!

    On that lighter note, I LOVE bulgur! I’d say that and quinoa are my favourite grains. Wait, quinoa is a seed, isn’t it? Whatever, I hate rice, so anything that’s not rice :P

    You are officially being stalked by me via Twitter now! :D

  30. Kudos for sharing something so personal. I know I take my life for granted sometimes, or worry about petttu things, and it helps to think of those who struggle so hard to survive. It helps me appreciate my life. I feel the same way sometimes about exercise when I feel unmotivated– there are sone people who are injured and itching to run or who are confined to a wheelchair etc.

    That bulgur looks wonderful! I think my favorite grain would have to be quinoa, though I think I need to experiment a bit more with more exotic grains.

  31. Wow- amazing how far you’ve come- you rock. I bet this post will make a lot of people re-evaluate a few things in there life. It def woke me up. Favorite grain? Hmmmm so many. I love quinoa and oat bran

  32. This post was very timely, as I have been struggling with guilt over just “existing” instead of “living” lately. I still have the thoughts, I still have the mental marathon, but I also have a grasp on what’s important. It’s posts like this and people like you that remind me of that, so thank you!

    I wish I was more creative with the grains, but brown rice is a mainstay a few times a week. LOVE me my brown rice!

  33. You should be proud that you have come so far!

    And your lunch looks amazing.

  34. Just like the chicken or the egg theory I believe with EDs the question is what came 1st the depression or the ED. It seems as though 2 years ago you were buried in a very deep depression. Im so grateful you were able to realize how much you are loved and cared for. I am just a stranger who found your blog just a month ago, yet I care about you. I know your gonna do BIG things to make this world a better place. Im so grateful that your beginning to believe this as well. xoxo Figtreeapps

  35. sophia! wow, first off thanks for sharing that~second you have made leaps, bounds, strides.. you are in such a different place now, how awesome is that?! and honestly it is so good that you wrote things down back then, so you can do things like this and look back. i am sure it is helpful for you to read notes from your former self. you’re amazing and speaking of amazing, that dish looks straight outta food network! so yummy! i am sooo glad the recipes are back! i think i said that before but haha i am. love them. and you. xoxo

  36. Wow, hon, that was a deep and very moving post. Thanks for sharing it. Because I’ve felt the same way at times, and why waste away my LIVING life when there are so many out there who literally did lose their life with no choice? I’m so happy you’ve moved past that and are in a better place now :-) You deserve it.

  37. Hey girlie, isn’t it great to be able to grasp joy again? I’m so happy for you! You’ve come a long way and you so deserve to be happy and well.
    Hugs! Jill

  38. Menden (Skinny Menny)

    I know I haven’t been reading your blog for long, but the posts that I have read are so full of joie de vivre that it’s hard to believe that diary entry was written by the same person! You have obviously come so far and have become so self-aware…and cheers to you for not being one of the “living dead” people you mentioned! (p.s. I like quinoa! :))

  39. I am so moved by your post; I can feel your pain. And your lovely recipe will cheer anyone up! I like the chipotle-orange juice combo :)

  40. Soph, your journal entry struck me hard…because it is practically identical to some of the things I wrote around eight months ago. IDENTICAL. Knowing how far we’ve both come, though…well it just makes me so happy =)

  41. Aww sweetheart. I’m so glad you’re feeling much better than when you wrote the journal entry. You definitely “sound” much different (happier + positive) now!

    I like bulgur! I’ve had it in soups before, and in stuffed peppers. It’s yummy. My favorite grain is probably oats!

  42. I’m so happy you are not in the past and can view things in a better light now. It’s funny how time has a way of doing that.

    I would say my favorite grain right now is quinoa!

    I love it so much!

  43. Hey!!! So I’m a fan of your blog and have gotta say that I LOVE bulgur- its by far my favourite grain- since I’m half Middle Eastern we use it a lot. :)

  44. Michelle @ No Time to Weight

    Wow, having struggled with depression in my teens and 20s, I can understand those dark, deep feelings … glad you made me laugh by the time I got to the end of your post (I think it was the bloody good comment!). Will you come over and cook for me? LOL That dish looks divine! PS – You are now being followed by me on twitter. PPS – Oh and my fave grain? I will have to be generic and say oatmeal. Does Malt O Meal count as a grain? That would be a close second.

  45. Quinoa is probably my favorite.

    Life is very precious. Following Prior Fat Girl’s blog this week has reminded me of this fact in a big way. Life has an expiration date. Drink up.

  46. Thanks for sharing that journal entry. It is so important to remember that life can be short so we should live every day to the fullest! This post was a good reminder :)

    I love bulgur. It is actually probably one of my favorite grains although I don’t make it often enough! Your dish looks great!

  47. I don’t recognize that girl at all either. How far you have come! You should be v. proud.

  48. It is incredibly sad to think about how we so often take life for granted. So happy that you have grown into such a wise woman…your journey has been amazing!

    I’ll definitely have to pick up some bulgar and try your recipe. :-)

  49. I actually came across my journal from ED days recently too. You’re right–it’s scary the kind of person you can become when you disregard the joys of life.
    Fave grain? Either oat bran or couscous.
    I am now following you on Twitter! (I’m cwyoder).

  50. My fave is quinoa…so good for you and so nutty and delicious! I’m now following you on twitter!

  51. I love love rice! It is my favorite food in the world!

    I love your bulgur recipe!

  52. Thank you for sharing your diary entry – you have come a long way, and you should be proud of yourself! :-)

  53. i’m glad you shared that excerpt with us. i’m so happy that you’re not that girl anymore. you should be SO proud of yourself for turning your entire life around. those were really powerful words, written by somebody struggling so, so, so much. it’s amazing to know how far you’ve come. you deserve a humungous congratulations. congratulations doesn’t even cut it. love you, chickadee!

  54. You have come so far… And you are using your life for so much good now… I think we all can use a reminder of how precious life is once in a while…

    Oh, and you got your wish; I’m stalking you on Twitter now… ;)

  55. Gotta put lots of cheese on that….the dish looks marvelous.

  56. lesouefsbrouilles

    soo proud of you sophia. i think you’ve gained and learn so much compared to people older than you. kudos

  57. Wow! What a brave post! During my middle school years, my diary read just like that and about a year ago I threw that particular diary away-it was too toxic to have those reminders. Unfortunately, I still sometimes think that way, but I am committed to changing my life, so that those times are mere moments instead of consumming nightmares. I am currently struggling with how much I should reveal about my recent struggle with those thoughts on my own blog, so this has helped, although I’m still undecided…

    And the food looks fabulous, of course!

  58. Look how far you have come! I am so glad you are out of that dark period of your life and you are now truly LIVING!

    What a tsty and pretty lunch!

  59. This made me sad! I have a hard time looking at such sadness and despair. I prefer to see the pretty things in life. You know the verse “Whatsoever things are pure…lovely…think on these things.

    All I can think is that you can now be a great help to others going through the same thing you went through. You’ve been there and you’ve done that and you allowed God to help you get out and on with your life. (You’ve probably heard that a million times now but I do think it’s so true.)

    Your recipe looks very nice!

  60. Wooowwwww I’m so glad you shared that girl…it sounds like a super scary place to be…so glad you’ve come back from the ledge, so to speak :)

  61. May be those lines were bit scary but that’s an eternal truth……life is really a blessing enjoying it and living good is more blessing……..coming to the recipes they look extremely delish….

  62. i really dont even know where to begin with this post. it touched be deeply. so deeply. the overwhelming thoughts of not feeling like there is any point anymore have been filling my head for the past year. That lingering thought of just wanting to go. But you are so right. Every last word about being loved and knowing that you have purpose and recognizing what others seen in you day in and day out. How is that the same sad person can reside within a happy go lucky one? I guess that’s the battle of depression…this up and down roller coaster. Life is precious and we are the lucky ones who live in it. If we take for granted the gift of life then what kind of people can we call ourselves? We have family, friends, a future, and everything the world has to offer in front of us. Only we can make it happen and you have certainly done that. You put a smile on my face day in and day out and I am never ceased to be amazed by your whit, charm, and love.

  63. thank you so much for sharing some of your story! I’ve looked back on some of my own journals too and it’s never fun :-( it does help to gauge how far you’ve come in recovery though, which is refreshing to see. your bulgur “blood” dish looks amazing hahaha. I’ve never really gotten into cooking many grains (besides cous cous, rice, and oats of course!) so i might have to try it out!

  64. rediscoveringlauren

    wow girlie your posts never cease to amaze me :) theyre so deep!
    and they always have great eats too! your such a creative cook! you should totally write a cookbook :)!

  65. Totally agree. I remember there was this time around when I’d just confessed to my mum I couldn’t make myself eat, and in my diary I’d written “Dear God, I know it’s wrong of me to do this, but I don’t want to get better, please don’t make me well…at least not yet”, and in my older journal entries I was always raging against the treatment stuff like supplements. Boy.

    Hmm…favourite grains? I’m not really a carb person (except for BREAD!:D well, used to) and I love my fruits and veg more. But, heck, I like normal white rice okay.

  66. You have come such a long way; you should be incredibly proud of the person you have become. It takes so much courage to share all of this with the world.

    Yes, I have tried bulgur and I adore it! My favorite grain is probably oats. Love ’em!

    Oh, and about Goochland. Yes, that is for real. When I first moved to VA a little more than 10 years ago, I thought it was a crazy name for a county but alas, now I am so used to hearing and saying it that it doesn’t phase me anymore. Who knows why that is the name, I may have to look into that :)

  67. How wonderfully far you have come, girl, that’s awesome!!! : ) I’m glad you realized how worthy love you are and how beautiful you are : )

    Fun! I’ll start following you on twitter riiiiight NOW! ; )

  68. Oooh blood sauce! How cool! You didn’t scare me off :D

  69. The bulgur pilaf sounds excellent, loving that “blood” sauce :) Your diary quote reminded me of my own once upon a time.

    I haven’t found any Japanese fusion restaurants like O YA in our area, but I will be on a look out and will let you know if I find anything good!

  70. Glad you found your way out =) THe dish looks really good, I love dishes with lots of delicious sauce. and I happen to like all grains.

  71. I’m probably going to get totally slated for this comment, but being a religous person, believing in heaven and the after life etc why is death such a bad thing when you know “you’re going to a better place” you’ll see your loved ones that have passed on etc. I’m not religous myself so don’t believe any of this, but am curious to know why death (to religous people) isn’t a good/happy occasion. You’re gonna meet God. I know it’s sad for the people you leave behind, but as long as they’re good and don’t sin they’ll see you in heaven soon right?

  72. Love bulgur <3 Although it's probably not surprising that oats are my favorite.. :P

    The important thing is to recognize how far you have come since those diary days. Sometimes when I read old entries, I can't believe it was me either. I went through an extremely negative period growing up, but I'm different now and the past is past :)

  73. i just bookmarked this recipe because it looks incredible! wow, deliciousness.

    your words in this post are beautiful. realizing the preciousness of life, its short length, and the amount of love the people in my life have for me has kept me going through my own rough spots as well.

  74. I’m really glad you posted this, it really made an impact on me.
    I hope you have a great day!! :) :)

  75. I’m not sure how you found my blog but thank you for your comment. I too have struggled with an eating disorder. I love food though now. I’m glad that you have chosen LIFE. take good care!

  76. Mia {runs and rests}

    Eeep, that last pic is too cute!!!
    Wow, you’ve definitely come a looong way since 2007. It’s hard to believe that was you writing that entry then. You’re a just a ball of positivity and good energies. :D

  77. Mmmm, that sauce looks delicious!! I bet it would go well with quinoa too. I’ve never tried bulgur.

    I very definitely identify with your journal and the way you felt like a “dead” living person. The guilt that I encountered from those feelings when I knew so many people were battling terminal illnesses was unbearable. Mental illnesses are SO dang tough to understand – it’s hard to accept that it’s actually a disease, not just that you’re a terrible person. And the fact that we’re fighting against it and wanting to get better makes a world of difference.

  78. life is a precious gift. it goes by so fast, and we need to cherish, enjoy, live and appreciate everyday (even if its a bad day!). it’s not easy, but looking at the positive instead of the negative WILL make you happier and healthier. i’m a constant work in progress too, but as long as we keep swimming, we realize life is full of beauty to be enjoyed, looked at, stared at and of course, eaten :)

  79. That looks fantastic! So delicious. I still haven’t tried bulgur yet so I need to do that.

    And you are absolutely right about people living as though they’re already dead. It’s frightening how few people actually get out there and LIVE.

    Thank you so much for sharing that entry with us- really glad that you are LIVING these days.

  80. I think if we were all honest with ourselves we could all say we have had pretty low moments. What’s important though is what you have learned from it and how you’re living NOW!

    …and yum, that bulgar dish does look tasty. I’ve never tried that grain, I usually stick to quinoa or brown rice or couscous. I need to break out of my grain bubble :)

  81. Thank you for sharing your diary entry – though none of us know exactly how the other one has felt, many of us have been in similiar spots. You’re courageous for speaking your mind on your blog like you do; I really admire it! And I’m thrilled to hear you are in a better place now :)

  82. adventuresofrecovergirl

    Thank you sooo much for sharing that! It’s really inspiring to see how far you come and how much butt your kicking :) Seriously girl, you are AMAZING :D

    My fave grain right now has got to be quinoa, hands down. However, I have not done a lot of experimenting so this may change :P

    Have a fantastic day! <3 Jenn

  83. Oh, Sophia, you are a courageous woman to share those thoughts. Sometimes it is so hard to turn off the inner dialogue, but it sounds like you have had an epiphany and are back on track. Love helps, that’s for sure.
    And I just love, bulgur! Quinoa is my favorite, right now.

  84. wow, yes very serious post. Since I am a pretty new follower, I never witnessed your true battle. I’m so glad and amazed at how strong you are and I was wondering, ‘is that really the same person?’ I guess you have to hit rock bottom to start to emerge from the depths, which I have experienced with a very close family member.
    That dish looks and sounds wonderful, I love all your sauces and combinations!
    My favorite grain type is quinoa, even though it is really a seed. I love it because it is so versatile, is great for stuffing veggies like peppers, and also quicks pretty fast. Yum!

  85. I’m stalking you on twitter now!

  86. Wow – it sounds like you have come so so far! Congratulations for that. Reading old diaries makes me cringe so much – you’re so brave to put yours out there.
    And, your food? Looks amayyzing!

  87. What an incredibly touching post! It’s good that you kept a diary back then so you can read it now and see how far you’ve really come…amazing!

    I LOVE bulgur, this dish looks fabulous!

  88. Life is so sweet and precious and it’s so important to live each moment as it comes and treat yourself well… You sounds like you’ve made some serious changes in your life, and I think we all are so happy for you. Though I myself have never considered suicide, I have not treated my body and mind the best, and I know that I have to to really be successful in life.

    Thanks for sharing! And the bulgur pilaf looks incredible!

  89. How I needed to read a post like this at this very moment! Have been having those down in the dumps days, and your words are so powerful and truly inspirational. Life is precious and we should all be thankful for every day we get. It is clear that you have made such extraordinary changes to get where you are today. Thank you so much for sharing! Really puts a lot of things in perspective :-)

  90. laurasworthlesswords

    Thank you for sharing that, that girl really just doesn’t sound like the one we read about now! She sounds so lost and defeated, I much prefer the you now :-). I do have to say I can see myself so much in that post though, I have all those thoughts to. I feel terrible guilt at times though whenever I see people dying who really wanted to live and here I am wasting my life away whenever its a precious gift that I should be enjoying. Thanks again your post puts things into good perspective.

    I’ve always wanted to try bulgur, its next on my list but first Ive got to work my way through my pile of stuff in the cupboard.
    It certainly was an impressive looking dish :-).

  91. Your bulgur dish looks delicious! I love how chewy it is, and the sauce sounds great.

  92. Wow, this is a pretty deep post. I think we all deal with depression when we’re in our young! I know I did in High School. I’m glad I went through it though because I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t and neither would you!

    On another note, your food looks great!!

  93. I’m so glad that you are appreciating life right now, Sophia, and not at that place anymore! But, I totally understand your old self. I was like that too, shunning other people, finding no point in life, sitting in my misery. I am realizing the values and joys in life as well, thanks for sharing these very personal thoughts with us :)

    Wow, that dish looks amazing! So gorgeous with the bloody sauce surrounding the heaping grains, and the sprinkle of cheese on top! Sounds tasty too!

    Hmm, I love oats via oatmeal and baked goods, but I also adore spelt, especially sweet spelt bread from Great Harvest :)

  94. April (Foods of April)

    Great dish for bulger! I like oats the best :D

  95. that diary entry is heartbreaking to read, sweetheart — but i hope you are able to look at that and recognize how far you have come! you are in a much happier place now and so far from becoming one of those unfortunate statistics.

    lots of love to you dear,

  96. What a powerful message. Thank you so much for sharing and I am so happy you are able to stand back and learn from that dark time in your life.

    My favorite grain is oats!

  97. Oh darling.

    I loved this post. Thank you for sharing a bit more about yourself today and thank you for checking out my blog as well…all of us over there used to be in pain. It is so special to be strong enough to share it.

    Oh yeah and your food blog kicks ass too!

  98. sophia, you seriously move me with every post — and get me thinking too! im so happy to hear how far youve come, and i can tell you really are LIVING life — amazing!

  99. I love keeping a diary–such a good way to reflect back and keep tabs on how far you’ve come in every day life!

    I have yet to try bulgur; but you may have just inspired me to in the near future!

  100. ahhh Sophia how i have missed your blog!! And your deep insights. :) I confess…i read your entries at work because it looks like i’m doing work. muhahaha Obviously, FUN work for me, but nobody knows that fact. hahah

    I definitely love the creativity and colors in the bulgar dish you created. i don’t know if i have a favorite grain!! uh oh. I think i would love bulgar too just cuz i like anything that tastes nutty!! :) I’m just always too chicken to try the recipes. *sigh* fail.

  101. I’ve never tried bulgur before. Thank you for sharing the recipe.

    I feel the same way when I read my old journals. I feel so bad for the girl I once was. I’m glad that we are strong enough to fight it!

  102. This post made me so sad. Thinking of all the people I’ve lost. And sad for you at that time in your life. I’m glad your back from that – and living – and enjoying your life. I’ve never had bulgur before. This looks yummy! My favorite grain has to be oats.

  103. What a great post! Even those who don’t suffer from harmful thoughts and behaviors will still complain about life. It’s amazing that you have come so far and the difference between where you were and and where you are is so large. You are such an inspiration!

  104. It’s amazing how far you’ve come. It’s hard to read how depressed you were at the time. I’m glad you’re doing so much better now. Do you want to hang onto those old diaries or toss them? On one hand, you can retain a piece of yourself but on the other hand, it might just depress you.

  105. I completely know what you mean Sophia. We should all live life to the fullest and appreciate every second of it because it really is too short to waste time.

    I missed seeing bulgur on your blog! This recipe looks delicious as usual. Love the kabocha!

  106. Hmm.. I like buckwheat flakes and old fashoned oats. I prefer steel cut oat but they take so long to cook!

  107. lovely, thoughtful post. i recognise your subtle ways of slowly killing yourself. i just use to cross the road, with my ipod in my ears, hoping that i was stepping in front of a car.
    its brilliant that you have re-read this diaries and realised how far you’ve come but also that you are determined not to waste any more of that precious life of yours on wanting to die. life is so beautiful. & i want to experience everything god has put on this earth for me to enjoy. i don’t want to miss a moment of his beautiful creation.

    you’re so imaginative and creative in the kitchen. hopefully one day i’ll be able to emulate your major skillz!

    L. x

  108. Congratulations on coming so far and realising how much those around you love you, and that you deserve it. I found your diary entry very sad, but am glad you are so much happier now and enjoying life. All the best for the future, I hope it continues to get better and better.

  109. What a strong young lady you are! The diary entry was gut wrenching. I’m so glad you came to realize how precious life is and how wonderful you are. When I go through tough times I try hard to remember that “this too shall pass.” Nothing stays the same. I’ve never had bulgar before…looks very good!

  110. Bulgar..yep, good stuff! High in protein & fibre, low cal…
    Life & death? well life is so short Sophia, & don’t it just go by in a flash!!
    So, remember my motto: don’t let the dreams of life be interupted by the clock of reality….
    thanks for sharing…keep strong!

  111. What a lovely dish! Favorite grain… hm. I’m kinda partial to the “pseudo-grains” lately, like amaranth and quinoa.

    Love that you’ve turned your perspective/life around :)

  112. Thankyou for reminding me that I need to live. This post was the kick up the ass that I needed. You are an inspiration :)

    Also, that food looks TASTY!
    My favourite grain… erm, is couscous a grain? I’ve been quite partial to that lately. Or oats. I love me some oats! (:

  113. Amazing post and amazing pics. Also, I’m in love with quinoa!

  114. i am so sorry you struggled in the past. you’ve come so far though and in turn become a strong woman who knows how important is to LIVE LIFE!

    i’ve never tried bulgar, it’s on my expansive list of things to do :)

  115. i love brown rice in all its nutty, simple glory.

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