I am. Blown. Away. By all your sincere and empathetic responses to my last post. To be honest, my finger quivered a bit before I hit the “publish” button. I don’t know what I was nervous about: Exposing an image of myself when I was soulless? Sounding too evangelical? Being potentially triggering?
But now, I’m glad I did it. It’s not just about exposing the frightening, soul-sucking side of an eating disorder. It’s not just about showing the depths to which I’ve sunk. It’s a heartfelt, passionate declaration against all the evil forces that binds and oppresses so many people out there: You. Don’t. Own. Me. Not anymore, not ever.
We all have our demons. Mine just happened to take a more physical form. But it pains me, to see so many loved ones around me, right within my own social circle, who struggle so much, each with their own obsessions and oppressions.
In fact, only just recently, two close friends of mine confessed to me about having suicidal thoughts. It scares me, the way they talk about themselves…with such disgust and self-contempt. It reminds me…frighteningly of me. It angers me, that a force beyond their own control can twist their thoughts and perceptions so much as to leech out every ounce of hope and joy in them.
Self-love. I’ve heard people say, it all starts with self-love. That you have to love yourself, before others can love you, too.
I don’t believe that. I believe that in order to be able to love yourself, you need to first receive and accept love from others. You might think, or say to yourself, Oh, but nobody can possibly love me…But you’re wrong. Somebody does love you. There is always someone, out there, who loves and thinks about you.
Stop trying to rationalize love. Love is irrational. You can’t possibly love anyone if you start being rational, because nobody is lovable. Everyone is flawed. But that’s what makes love so freaking beautiful. Because it overlooks all weaknesses and mistakes. It simply is. Because love comes from one source only, and that is God.
That is why I say I could never have come this far without Him. His direct love, and the love He showed through my family and friends, has enabled me to start loving myself, and treating myself the way I should—as someone precious, someone unique, someone worth loving.
If you cannot tell already, I am in a very good mood. I’m 4 hours early and sitting in style at the KAL Lounge:
The best thing about business class…is definitely the lounge. Lovely, peaceful, quiet place to just kick back and enjoy.
And it has INTERNET and FREE FOOD! Always the biggest plus for me! (Well, technically, you pay like double the air ticket for this kind of service, but hey, my dad’s mileage paid for this, so it is doubly free for me!)
So I’m about to slip off my shoes, stretch out, and enjoy this whole plate here:
I deserve it. I am just so relieved that everything is over. I finished a whole year of college without any mishaps (kind of). And I’ve got a hell of a trip waiting for me.
Now, I’ve already extended an invitation to join me in a feast around Asia. I guess I should let you know that I probably won’t be cooking for a long time. I should also let you know that I made this dish awhile ago. A seemingly long time ago, when I was still stuck between final exams and essays.
But I recall every taste and texture of it.
Kabocha Crepe with Creamy Edamame Filling
- 1/2 cup flour
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1/3 cup cooked kabocha, mashed
- 1/3 cup milk
- 1 tablespoon oil
- 1 cup cooked edamame
- 1 avocado
- 4 tablespoon cream cheese
- squeeze of lime juice (or lemon)
- salt and pepper
- 1/2 apple, thinly sliced
To make the crepe, just blend all the crepe ingredients together. Let it sit for about 30 minutes or so. Then heat up pan with about a teaspoon oil or butter. Ladle in crepe batter and thin it out. Cook on one side; flip, cook the other.
For the edamame filling, blend everything together except for the apple.
Assemble the crepe: stuff each crepe with as much edamame filling as you want, and add the sliced apples.
Ooh. Looking classy. Delicate and simple.
I’m not sure I can say this is so much a crepe than a very thin pancake…it didn’t thin out as much as I wanted it to, but then, it does have that dense kabocha in it. The texture was nice, though—sort of chewy, with a delicate kabocha flavor.
The color was lovely, too. A gorgeous pastel orange.
I made this random edamame filling because of Operation Flush-the-Pantry. I just had to use up the last of my bag of frozen edamame, an overripe avocado, and the last of my cream cheese.
It actually worked well in this crepe. Edamame has a naturally sweet and mild flavor, and together with the creamy smooth avocado, made for both a pleasant, light flavor and texture.
I had some of that edamame filling left, which I later stuffed it into a wrap, with a Granny Smith apple and the goat’s brie I got from Papa Cristo’s, and then grilled:
LOVE! Is anything more delightful than hot, melted brie?
You can pretty much use this edamame filling for anything, other than sandwich filling or spread. Maybe as a dip…or stuffed into a chicken breast…or baked on top of salmon…
But I like sandwiches and wraps. And I had to have my fill, since I don’t think I’ll be eating much sandwiches and wraps this summer, either.
By the way, Operation Flush-the-Pantry was a failure. I simply couldn’t finish everything! I almost wept as I threw out a few frozen bagels, a stick of butter, some frozen meat products, etc. Oh, and half a block of cheese.
Honestly, by the end of the week, I was slathering mayonnaise on toasted bagels, eating a pound of brussel sprouts in one sitting, and having two roasted kabochas for a “snack”. I did the best I could. At least I learned that more isn’t always better.
So. I guess I was just popping by to share this last dish, and to tell you that I was blown away by your kindness. I’m still here right now, but in 4 hours time, I’ll really be blown away.
See you in Korea (or Singapore)!
Question of the day: Tell me, quick— Who loves you?
And another fun question: Let’s say you’re Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, and you get a chance to be blown away, anywhere. Where would you want to go?