“They” vs. Me

You can see it in their faces. You can see it in the way they excitedly drag their luggage, you can feel it in the extra bounce in their steps, you can hear it in their high-pitched voices. All the students are preparing to return home for the winter break, and they just cannot wait to be back home.

But I have a confession. I’m not looking forward to going back home at all. In fact, at one point…I was dreading it.

Don’t get me wrong—I can’t wait to see my family, my friends, my dear church members…But at the same time, I don’t want to be seen by them. Because I’ll no longer just be Sophia Lee, college student. I’ll be Sophia Lee, the Anorexic pastor’s daughter.

It’s tough being a pastor’s kid. You’re always on the pedestal. Inevitably, the pastor (my dad) will mention me in his sermons, which will then be downloaded into the internet and spread worldwide. Inevitably, people will be staring at me, observing me and noticing whatever weight I have gained, whatever I’m eating, etc. Inevitably, there will be people coming up to me to tell me they are “praying against the devil within” me. Inevitably, I will feel like I’m still an Anorexic.

I guess I can’t blame them. It is normal that people would expect certain things out of a pastor’s daughter, particularly great pastor like my dad. And in truth, these people in church have been absolute angels. Except for a few individuals who used me to attack my dad, they have been praying for me and encouraging me all throughout my four years of struggling with this vicious disease.

But that’s precisely the point…I always get this nagging feeling that they’re expecting something from me. Their love and attention on me feels like wet cement dripping on my shoulders. The more they shower attention on me, the more that cement molds itself around me, and as it dries, imprisons me into a statue of clay. I feel like I have to conform myself to whatever they expect me to be. And oh, dear God, I feel so damn stifled!

At least, this is what I’ve been telling God all week. I have no one else to turn to, and He’s the only one who truly understands. So I’ve been bitching and moaning about all the pressures “they” are putting on me. And then, God shut me up by asking me a simple question: “Who is this they you keep mentioning?”

Hm. Good question. Who is “they”?

Honestly, I can’t pinpoint one person who makes me feel this way. When I think about each individual, all I can remember is the exact details of how much they cared for me.

And that’s when I realized— that “they”? It’s me. I’m the one who is confining and oppressing myself. I’m the one who’s working myself up with anxiety and stress. I’m the one who keeps feeling like I should do this, I should do that.

Social pressures? It’s really all from the inside. It’s all about the point of view, and a sense of belonging.

I guess I’ve never really felt like I belonged there. In my eyes, I was the sick patient, and they were the ones who looked at me with pity. I was the odd one out, the emaciated girl who looked like a monster. And I certainly felt like a monster. I was incredibly insecure, and these insecurities fed on every single action and speech that others made by twisting them into a skewed perception.

Well, it’s time to break that cycle of insecurities and negative perceptions. I refuse to go back home with my head bowed low and my eyes shifting around suspiciously, almost actively seeking out things that will prove my insecurities right.

No, I’m going to smile. I’m going to laugh. I’m going to exude confidence. Of course, as a pastor’s daughter with a rather scandalous past, I won’t be able to entirely avoid the gaze of others, but you know what? I’ll just show myself off as a living testimony of God’s grace. Look at me, everybody! Look what God did for me! I may be weak and flawed, but God deemed me worthy enough to heal me! If I have to endure a bit of unwanted attention to manifest God’s amazing power and love, so be it!

And honestly—I think I better get used to that attention, because I am pretty freaking amazing like that.
I mean, my brain just astounds me how brilliant it is! I’ve been trying to use up all the bits and scraps leftover in my fridge and pantry before I left town, and boy I came up with some pretty darn good creations!

So indulge me and pretend this is the best creation ever:

Sweet Potatoes Stewed in Coconut Milk and Peanut Butter

• 1 tsp olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 onion, diced
• 1 big-ass sweet potato, chopped into 1-inch chunks
• about 1 cup coconut milk, maybe more
• 2 spoonfuls crunchy peanut butter
• balsamic vinegar (about 1 tablespoon?)
• lime juice (optional)
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• pinch garam marsala
• salt and pepper
• handful raisins
• 2 slices provolone cheese, diced

In a pot, fry up the garlic and onion, until fragrant and slightly softened. Toss in the sweet potato. Stir to mix, then pour in the coconut milk with all the rest of the ingredients except the raisins and cheese.
Bring the mixture to a boil, and then cover and simmer for about 20 minutes until the sweet potato is cooked through and the sauce is reduced. Stir in the raisins.

Transfer the stewed sweet potato into a dish, and top with provolone cheese. Serve!
I admit, it’s rather monotone in color. I would have added some sprinkle of chopped green onions, but I had none. Spinach would also have been nice, but I also had none of that.
Still, the taste was incredible. I mean, you’ve got it all…sweet potatoes, coconut milk, and peanut butter. You never would have thought so, but the combination works. It freaking works!
How should I describe the taste? It’s rich. It’s sensuous. It’s sweet, yet nutty and spicy at the same time. The only alteration I’ll make for next time is adding a squeeze of lime juice. It just needed a bit more acid in there.
And I loved the crunchy peanut butter in there, which added bits of chopped peanuts. I suppose you can add your own.
And ooey, gooey cheese. Mmm. I almost put an egg on top, but I used the egg for another dish (recipe to come!).
All hail to Sophia, Queen of Crazy Dishes!
I think I’ve done enough self-praising. Now it’s your turn. Haha, just kidding! But you know what? It feels nice to be able to let loose a little, and even poke fun at myself. I take myself too seriously sometimes!

Anyway. In about 12 hours, I’ll be flying back home to Virginia…See you in the East Coast!

Question of the day: Do you feel any social pressures, especially during this holiday season? How do you overcome that?

Oh My Cheese!

A reader left a comment on my last post about letting go of everything eating disordered:

“Well, you still do drink diet coke, and you’re not even diabetic. Isn’t that still part of ED behavoiior?”

Whoops. Busted!

Yup, I still do drink diet soda, and I’ve never been secretive about that fact. Yeah, yeah, how could I, it’s so unhealthy, all that artificial sweeteners, blah blah blah.

First of all, let me make it clear that I have never said I’m totally recovered yet. Yes, I still have my vices. I still have things to work on. I still have instinctual thoughts and behaviors that are very much part of my eating disorder. I guess I didn’t make myself clear enough, but when I said to make a “complete turnover”, I realize that it is quite impossible to make that change all at once. I’m still in the progress of losing each smudge and traces of ED, but I have no doubt that one day, I will make it. I want to destroy every part of ED inside of me. Time will tell.

Taylor from Joy of Food wrote something with which I agreed:

“I think it can be hard to know for sure you’re recovered, until many many years later……So does that mean I’m not fully recovered? Who knows, all I know for sure is I’m happy, healthy and ED can get lost. ”

Tee hee hee! I love that mentality. In a way, recovery itself can be a major stress factor if we’re going to continue debating over whether this or that is truly ED or not, etc. We just have to keep in mind the ultimate goal: To be happy, to be healthy, and to tell ED to f**k off (I wish smileys had a middle-finger).

On that note, let me share my “excuse” for why I drink diet soda: I’ve always drunk diet coke, even way before my ED. Why? Because for some goddamn reason, I thought it was the “cool” thing to do.

Don’t laugh! When I first started drinking diet soda, I was 11, and it was a new thing in Singapore. I had no idea what “diet” or “light” meant. Calories meant nothing to me. In fact, I didn’t even know about calories until I moved to America. But a lot of the older women I admired drank diet soda. In the commercials, the sexy women drank diet soda. Thus, I thought diet soda must be the sexier version of regular soda. And I’ve been drinking diet soda ever since. Now, I’m just used to that taste of aspartame, and regular coke tastes weird to me.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let me share some frighteningly good news. I RECEIVED MY CABOT CHEESE! I won more than 4 lbs of cheese from Biz’s giveaway, and I had been impatiently waiting for it for more than a month! 
Oh, what a thing of beauty! Oh my Lord! Oh Lordie!

An assortment of cheddar and pepper jack cheeses:
 50% cheddar, 75% cheddar, and 50% pepper jack.

But the most exciting thing was this hunky baby:
 Extra sharp VINTAGE cheddar cheese…aged a minimum of 2 years!!!
I can’t believe I received a whole brick of this amazing thing! I was ecstatic! I nibbled on it right away, and the taste was fan-freakin-tastic!
I knew I had to come up with a recipe worthy of this lovely cheese. I turned to something else kind of vintage:
 Leftover carved turkey. Not from Thanksgiving (I already ate them all), but snitched from the dining hall (Shhhh…). Anyway, I hope this dish did the cheese justice:

Leftover Turkey Enchilada with Fruits and White Cheddar

• 3 corn tortillas
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/4 red onion, diced
• 1 slice turkey, diced
• 1/2 Granny smith apple, diced
• small handful raisins
• 1/4 cup almond milk
• 1 mini-bottle of pear, honey, and ginger preserves
• Mango-Habanera salsa
• 1/2 cup shredded white cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 2 stalks green onion, chopped

Cook the garlic and red onion, then toss in the turkey dices, apple, and raisins. Pour in the almond milk and preserves, then spoon in some salsa, tasting as you go. Cook until the fruit is soft but not mushy. Then mix in the cottage cheese and with half of the cheddar cheese and chopped green onions.

Meanwhile, heat up the 3 corn tortillas on top of a skillet. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Spoon the filling into each tortilla and roll it up, making sure to leave some for topping. Assemble them into a baking dish. Top with leftover filling, and sprinkle with the rest of the cheddar cheese and green onions:
Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the tortillas are crispy and the cheese on top is melted. Ta-da!
This is the second time I’ve made “enchiladas”! Of course they’re not the traditional kind, but these are good, too!
The pear, honey, and ginger preserves I used was from the swag bag from the Foodbuzz Festival, from a company called Quince & Apple:
It was a tiny bottle. I was sad to see it all gone in one day. But it was freaking worth it!

The salsa I used was yet another sample from the Foodbuzz Festival:
 Big Orson’s Mango-Habarnaro Salsa. Hot. Sweet. I like!

I’m sure you can substitute any other preserves or salsa you feel like, as long as it’s kind of fruity.

For the cheese, I just used the good ol’ hand-grater to grate my precious vintage cheddar cheese:
This dish was mildly sweet, but spicy and cheesy and tangy at the same time. It was perfect. Of course, I think everything I cook is perfect.
  But come on. This thing was perfection.
Turkey tastes so much better with some kind of fruity sauce. And cheese, of course.
I love how the tortilla gets all crunchy in the end:

And the melted cheese all over:
Fantastic. Perfectly filling, too. Please, if you’ve got any leftover turkey, make this dish. Your tummy will kiss you.

I still have some leftover turkey. I can’t wait to experiment more with it!

Question of the day: What did you do with your leftover turkey? If you were me, what would you do with all that cheese?

Choose Your Battle

There was a battle at my school yesterday—The Battle of the Football: USC vs. UCLA. For those of you who don’t know much about sports and American universities, USC and UCLA are deadly rivals. No question about it— USC is better than UCLA in every aspect, naturally. Of course, I may be a teensy weensy bit biased, but I’m pretty sure that is a well-established fact.

Go Trojans!! FYI: Trojans = USC. Bruins = (f)UCLA. Red = USC. Blue = UCLA(ss).

Anyway, let me just tell you— we USC and UCLA students don’t get along. I mean, we sell shirts that say “My maid went to UCLA” for God’s sake. And we even built a shrine for a dog which apparently chewed the Bruin’s mascot’s head off!

Which was why I was absolutely flabbergasted to see this:
A family housing both the Trojans and the Bruins? What?!

Wait, there’s more:
Trojans and Bruins…tailgating together?!

And this:
Kids, kids, please! You guys are supposed to fight, not walk in peace together!

And worse, a Trojan + a Bruin = Romance?!!
WHAT THE EFFING HELL is going on?!

Okay, okay. I’m overreacting. Seeing “enemies” get along well together does actually make me feel all furry and toasty inside and blah, blah, blah. But I’m exaggerating for a reason. Because in the case of recovery from an eating disorder, this ain’t all lovebirds and cute anymore.

You see, I’ve been chatting with a few people about recovery from eating disorders. And one common obstacle I find is the reluctance to march into a life-or-death battle.

Recovery is a tough, gritty battle. But there is a reason why it’s called a battle. There is a reason why you’re asked to fight in a recovery. Because recovery, ultimately, is the battle between wanting to remain eating disordered and the desire to be free.

Before I even considered recovery, I have to admit that life wasn’t all that complicated. I had a definite goal, and that was to continue on with my eating disordered habits and behaviors, to dwell and thrive in my disordered and self-mutilating thoughts.

But in came Recovery the Bitch. Suddenly, there were two conflicting forces within me. I longed to burst out of my eating disorder, but yet at the same time, I was reluctant to give up a lot of my eating disordered ways. I tried to compromise. I tried to make excuses. I tried to bargain, thinking, “I’ll stop doing this but continue doing that, etc.” But at the same time, deep down I was despairing, because I knew that holding on to these things would never let me truly recover.

Well, it got me nowhere. In fact, there was a time when I actually physically gained the weight. But a few months later, I relapsed and plunged deeper into my ED demise than ever before.

And so I came to this conclusion: There is no 80% recovered, or even 99% recovered. You are either recovered, or you’re not. Otherwise, you’ll be forever caught in that never-ending  contradiction between Life and ED.

You have to choose. You can’t face a battle straddling both sides. Make up your mind, and stick to it. Fight for it, tooth and nail, with all your might and soul. Honestly, the biggest turning point in total recovery is the moment you single-mindedly determine that you want to get rid of every trace of ED, once and for all. From then on, things aren’t so complicated, because you have only one goal and purpose in mind, and that is to destroy ED.

And that means, you’ve got to make a complete turnover. No more calorie-counting. No more diet products. No more abusing exercise. No more “fat” thoughts. No obsessive weighing/measuring. No avoidance of any particular foods, no bringing your own food to social events, no repetitive eating of the same things over and over again. I could go on and on, but you yourself know the things you have to change best.

This is a battle. And we cannot ever entertain thoughts of befriending or compromising with the enemy. We need to pulverize him. Or hang him, for this matter. Very much like this:
Hang the Bruin bear!
DIE, Bruins!

Here’s a stellar Trojan boo-ing a couple of passing Bruins:
OMG. Do you see that little kid with the toy sword? Tee hee hee!
 
Put on your full armor, because we’re gonna win!
Unfortunately, this is a bad statue. He looks like Bill Clinton.

Anyway. I’m very pleased to tell you that USC totally kicked UCLA’s ass at our football game on Saturday. Sorry, Tra and Sue!

To celebrate, my church friends and I went on a Pho trip. Unfortunately, I have to say that while USC definitely trumps UCLA in many areas, food is just not one of them. There is just a total lack of good restaurants in the USC vicinity!

We went to apparently the best Pho place in the USC area, Pho 36:
Instantly, I was suspicious to see Korean writings on the menu:
But the owners looked Vietnamese enough, so my fears were appeased.

The interior design was pretty neat and chic:
But I do not like this ugly Buddha figure:
I’m pretty damn sure the real Buddha in history was not a fatso with dangling earlobes.

I ordered the PHO House special:
 Rare steak, brisket, tendon, tripe, and meatballs in rice noodle soup with fresh herbs.
They also gave me an abundant side of raw onions, basil, bean sprouts, cilantro, jalapeño, and lime slices.
The “rare” steak became cooked in the hot broth:
But it was tasty enough.

It was my first time eating Vietnamese meatballs:
 It was meaty. Very meaty. Not bad!

Call me crazy, but my favorite was the tripe:
 Chewy! Yummy!

Unfortunately, the noodles were mushy and overcooked:
The broth wasn’t bad but it wasn’t as rich and intense as I would have liked. I added tons of sriracha and hoisin sauce:
One of my friends ordered a dish I’ve never seen before, the Cha Gio:
 Vermicelli rice noodles with egg rolls, vegetables and char-boiled steak. It comes with a sweet and spicy dressing called Nuoc Cham, which you pour over the entire dish.
Cool. I wish I’d ordered that, but I hate vermicelli noodles. Nasty skinny things.

Well, Thanksgiving weekend is over. Three more weeks of intense stress, and then it’s all over! I might or might not blog during exam week, but we’ll see.

Have a great week, everybody! Fight your battles!

Question of the day:

For those in ED recovery: What is your thought on the ED battle? Do you think there is something you are unwilling to let go off?

For those not in ED recovery: Skinny noodles (like vermicelli, angel hair). Love or hate?

Wishing For Dreams Come True…

I hate sleep. There. I said it.

I don’t get people like my brother, who crawls into bed for a “sweet nap” whenever he’s bored. If I’m bored, I damn well wouldn’t be sleeping. Wait—that doesn’t matter, because I’m never bored. I always seem to have something to do.

And that’s precisely why I detest sleep. Because it is just a waste of time. 24 hours in a day is already not enough…so why would I want to be motionless with my eyes closed for hours when there are so many freaking things to do? But unfortunately, God designed humans so that we need to take a rest for 7-8 hours a day. If anybody knows why He did that, please enlighten me. I would really like to know.

That said, I have been sleeping 8 full hours for consecutive days. It’s a miracle! I usually get only 5 hours a sleep. Strangely, that has not messed up my productivity time. I still got things done. I still manage to have time to slip in a movie at night, and perhaps some blogging. So what does this say? Perhaps I’ve been sacrificing sleep for nothing. I need to experiment on this more…

Part of the reason why I’ve been able to sleep so much is because I’ve been dreaming a lot. Strange, but good dreams:

Yesterday, I dreamed that one of my friends who is struggling with an eating disorder called me up asking me to eat a Wendy’s burger with her.

Another day, I dreamed that I got a 99% on my final essay for my writing class (what bullshit)

I also dreamed that I became best friends with a popular blogger (not telling who) and she taught me how to hip-hop dance.

Sigh. If only all these dreams were true…

But I suppose that’s precisely why they are called dreams. They are wistful wishes that come true without any effort from our part. You know, I’ve always been a dreamer…but what do I actually do to achieve them? For example…

I wish I was a better Christian…yet I don’t communicate with God, or read His words as much as I should…

I wish I had better grades…yet I skip classes all the time, and rarely do my readings…

I wish I had more time…yet I waste a lot of the time I already have doing frivolous stuff…

That’s it! Time to stop wishing and to start actually doing something about it! I only get dreams when I’m sleeping anyway…when I’m motionless! Time to get moving, time to take action!

But first, let’s fuel myself with some food…

I have to admit, I’ve been extremely lazy these days, and I’ve been turning to the same stuff over and over, for the main reasons that 1) it’s fast and convenient;  2) it tastes good and is pretty nutritious; 3) I can get most of the ingredients from my school dining hall, which I now frequent daily like a kleptomaniac…

Anyway. Here’s what I’ve had for several days now:

Spicy-PB Vegetable and Cottage Cheese “Mix-it-up” Bowl

Base Ingredients:

• onions, diced
• bell pepper, diced
• mushrooms, diced
• zucchini, chopped
• tomatoes, diced
• bean sprouts
• kidney beans
• spinach
• Soul Food Seasoning (from Biz)

Dressing Ingredients:

• 2 spoonfuls soy sauce
• 2 spoonfuls peanut butter
• 2 spoonfuls Habanero-Lime Salsa (from Christina)
• 1/4 cup almond milk
• pinch crushed red pepper flakes

Topping Ingredients:

• 1 cup cottage cheese
• 4 yukon gold potatoes
• hot sauce

Okay, first the potatoes. I roasted them hasselback-style, by slicing numerous slits down the center of each potato, but not all the way through. And then I sprinkled them with this amazing seasoning:
 Biz, thank you SO much for this. I’m obsessed with this seasoning now. I practically sprinkle them on anything and everything!

And then roast the potatoes in 425 degree oven until cooked through:
Nice and crunchy!

For the dressing ingredients, just mix everything together until smooth.

And the base ingredients: Mix everything together with plenty of that incredible Soul Food seasoning (or just salt and pepper if you don’t have it). Cook it with the dressing.

Ladle the cooked ingredients into a dish. Top with cottage cheese and potatoes. Sprinkle with hot sauce. That’s it!
Now wasn’t that the easiest thing you’ve ever heard! Well, next to pouring cereal in a bowl, of course. But this is much better. It looks more impressive!
Everything should be topped with something golden and crunchy…
Wheee! Look at it do a back-bend! Potato doing yoga!
Creamy, crunchy, spicy, peanut buttery…mmmm…
  Now, isn’t this the perfect college student’s meal?

But on to the perfect college student’s snack…

I once said I hate bars. Okay, not just once. Several times, in fact. Well, I put my foot in my mouth, because I’ve decided that I do like bars. Love them, in fact. It just depends on what bars they are.

Perfect Foods Bar sent me two of each of the following bars:

• Carob Chip
• Peanut Butter
• Fruits & Nuts
• Cranberry Crunch (Lite)

Here’s what they say about their bars:

“Perfect Foods Bars are made from a delicious creamy blend of organic peanut butter and honey. The organic honey provides quick balanced energy and the added omega-3 “healthy fats” increase endurance. There’s also plenty of easy to digest, alkaline forming protein for immediate tissue repair. Enjoy this innovative approach to consuming over 30 different high nutrient foods not readily available in today’s fast pace society.”

Okay, peanut butter and honey. What’s not to love? Plus they’ve got 30 different high nutrient foods. But what about the taste?

Well, all I can say is: I’m not sure if Perfect Foods Bar is the perfect food, but it is the perfect bar indeed. Oh Em Gi. So. Freaking. Good.
  They just completely melt in your mouth like fudge. I store them in the fridge, so when they enter my mouth it is cold and firm, but then slowly dissolves in my tongue…a delicious blend of pure peanut butter and intense honey…
The only thing is that it isn’t mixed with all the artificial crap, so the taste is pretty strong, bold, and intense…not a bad thing at all, but you just don’t want to finish the whole bar in one sitting, or it does get rather cloying. 
 I think I’ve waxed enough poetry about Perfect Foods Bar. My conclusion is this: Larabar, bye bye. You guys really got to check this stuff out!

Another bar that I’ve really enjoyed was sent by my freaking sweet friend Natalie from Eating to Live Life After ED:
They’re called Spring Hill gourmet bars, and they were amazing. Once again, I chilled them in the fridge first. And they’re incredibly crumbly, buttery, and exactly like a shortbread cookie.

Here’s the Wildberry & Nougat one:
And the Chocolate & Oat one:
And my personal favorite, the Muesli bar:

Sorry, I don’t know where to get them here in the States. Of course. All the good stuff has to be somewhere else! Sigh. Well, we can only dream that they’ll sell them in U.S. stores someday…

Speaking of dreams…Here’s today’s question of the day:

Had any good dreams lately? Is there a dream that you are actively going to pursue instead of wishing for it to come true?

Somewhere There is a Rainbow

It’s been four days. Four days of frowning, grumbling, moping, and sulking. Thank you all for sticking with me through my thunder-cloud days. I don’t even think I could have been so patient with myself.

God wasn’t as patient though. He kind of slapped me over the head and said, “Okay. That’s enough. Don’t you think you’ve had enough of this self-pity party? Time to get up and stop making a fool of yourself.”

I whined. He insisted, “Talk to me.” I resisted. And then, finally, I did. And He made me see the rainbow in all this bullahoo.

I think throughout the previous four days, my perception had been seriously clouded by a thunderstorm of my own impulsive, raw emotions. I was battered by my own hail-like emotions, but I lacked the wisdom to find shelter. Such emotions are inevitable and unavoidable, as is nature, but I did not have to stand out in the open to let myself drown in that stormy rain of negative emotions. I could have sought solace. I could have sought warmth and comfort.

I admit, I was being masochistic. There is something sickly satisfying and pleasing about self-victimization. It’s equivalent to getting wounded in a battle—you turn that scar into a self-glorifying trophy in order to forget about how much it actually hurt, and also to turn the situation around and not come out as the pathetic loser.

Thus, I purposely rejected human contact. I purposely avoided God. And now, tail between my legs, I have returned to His arms, wet and chilled to the bones by that storm, but with a lesson well-learned: When there’s a storm, rush inside your freaking house. And to me, my home abides in God.

Have I sorted out my emotions yet? Nope, it’s still raining outside. But they no longer hurt or pain me as much. And as time goes by, I’m sure it will abate even more. In the meantime, I need to seek warmth, fill myself with good, hot food, and view the storm outside with objectivity, wisdom, empathy, and understanding.

One thing that God has touched into my heart: every single soul I have met was placed into my life by Him.

Even a stranger whom I greeted in the metro, or the classmate I never talk to in History class…they were all put there for a reason by God. What more, then, my close friend of 10 whole years? Was it not God who arranged our meeting? And if it was God who arranged it…is it not a blessed relationship, no matter what rocky times there might be?

Thus I’ve made another conclusion: Our relationship is blessed. I might be bulleted with misunderstandings and hurt and anger right now, but ultimately, if I truly and sincerely believe that our meeting is blessed, and trust in God to lead the path, then I am sure to gain something positive from our relationship.

So what am I going to do specifically right now? I’m still not sure. But I am waiting. I am pretty sure she knows that I found out, so I will let her seek me with her explanation (because I am too proud to make the first move).

And I will listen, and I will try to understand. With God’s ability to grant me love and understanding, I believe we can fix something out. Even if we don’t, and even if she doesn’t try to explain, she and I once had a fun and pleasant relationship, and that itself is already a blessing.

So there you go. God’s little rainbow for me. For every storm, there has to be a rainbow, if you search hard enough. And guess what? I found one in my lunch bowl too!

Rainbow “Mix-it-up” Bowl

The base:

• one cup Trader Joe’s Freekeh (provided by Christina!)

The “mix-in”s:

• ground turkey
• 1/4 small onion
• 1/4 small bell pepper
• sliced radicchio (red cabbage)
• kale
• handful grapes
• handful raisins
• 1/2 orange, chopped

Coconut-Orange Marinade:

• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• juice of half an orange
• 1/4 cup POM juice
• 1/4 cup coconut milk
• balsamic vinegar (to taste)
• salt and pepper (to taste)

Toppings:

• handful feta cheese
• shredded basil leaves

First, make the dressing/marinade by mixing everything together. Taste it and if it isn’t sour enough, add some vinegar. Or if it isn’t sweet enough for you, add some sugar or honey.

Next, stir-fry the ground turkey with the onion and bell pepper. Dump in the marinade, and add the radicchio and kale and grapes. Stir and heat until cooked through.

Once the cabbage is cooked, stir in the freekeh with the raisins and orange. Grind in more black pepper to season if you like.

Dish it out, and top with feta cheese and basil leaves.
Now, I don’t think it’s necessary to explain why it’s called Rainbow! Ain’t the colors gorgeous?
Honestly, it’s exactly how a “mix-it-up” bowl should be: totally random ingredients. Just a slip-slap of whatever ingredients you’ve got in the fridge.
But it turned out utterly delicious! I really, really really love freekeh…that stuff is so delightfully chewy! I’ve only got about 2 tablespoons left…So sad.
It’s amazing what coconut milk can do to a dish. Just a couple tablespoons, and you’ve already got a really lovely taste, and an invisible creaminess to the dish.
It’s not everyday I eat something so colorful, so I took lots of pictures. I’m not trying to be annoying, tee hee hee!
Ah! One last more! One big mouthful!

Oh, by the way, a little angel reminded me that I have so many more precious relationships across the country…
 Biz sent me a mighty sweet package!
Asian snacks! I love! Hello Panda! Hello Kitty! Why do they all start with hello? Hello hello haarrrlooow~
More great ingredients to experiment with! Korean BBQ sauce, Soul Food seasoning, and Panko!
And something to encourage more delicious slurping!

Whoa hahahaha! It feels great to smile and laugh! I know I’ve been acting like a major whiner with chronic PMS lately, and I want to thank you all for enduring the past two negative posts. I really, really appreciate your amazing and wise advice and comforting words. You guys…seriously rock my socks!

Question of the day: Let’s all just share one relationship you are thankful for…it can be something really random too.

I’m thankful for the traffic lady who is always reading her bible in the morning before she monitors the traffic and who always says a cheerful “Good morning” to me as I run past her, late for class! It just puts me in a sweeter mood for some reason.

Sloppy

A lot of people get surprised when they find out I skip classes.

But my classmates are used to the skinny Asian girl who sits in the front of class either drooling or doodling. In my grade reports, every teacher marked down with exasperated exclamation points, “This girl is always building castles in the air!” I used to have a Spanish teacher who hated my guts because I slept every minute of her class. And I always finish my homework during classes so that I didn’t have to do them back at home. You all remember my 7pm rule? It’s not so much a wise strategy as it is just an excuse to slack off some more.

I have to admit, I used to have tons of fun seeing my teachers pinched expressions and exasperation. I was sloppy with my work attitude, but I still somehow managed to get good grades, so I really did not give a damn.

Until I realized how much that sloppy attitude is costing me.

Let me just name a few recent or major ones:

• I scratched up my car really badly against the parking wall because I didn’t care to look properly.
  
• I crushed the back of my car for the same reason.
  
• Look above, re-read two times. Yes, 6 times total, until the final accident (which was, of course, totally my fault again)
  
• I messed up on the date for my parents’ plane flight to Los Angeles, at a loss of $800.
  
• I messed up again on the date, this time for a bus trip.
  
• I didn’t read the directions to my mid-term, and wrote about two films instead of three.
  
• I didn’t read the directions to my essay prompt, and wrote about my own topic. 
• I didn’t check up on school email account, even though I knew something was wrong with it, and missed several important information from my professors

Ouch. I think I’ve had enough, don’t you? It’s hard, to shake off this sloppy attitude which I’ve been wearing for so many years. But the price to pay is too much, too painful. I’ve lost and wasted too much money, time, and grades.

Urgh. It seems like I’m always bordering in the extremity. During my ED days, I’m obsessing over the smallest details in my calorie intake and meals. Now, I’ve lost that perfectionist behavior, but I seem to have reverted back to my sloppy, half-assed ways. How do I  find that balance? I’m still working on it, but I’ll let you know.

So. To reflect on my sloppy attitude, let me present to you a sloppy dish. Nope, not sloppy joes. That would be unoriginal!

Korean BBQ Chickpea Gratin

• 1 tsp olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 large onion, diced
• 4 oz ground turkey
• 1/2 zucchini, diced
• 1/2 eggplant, diced
• 1/4 red bell pepper, diced
• 1 cup chickpeas, cooked (I stole this from the school dining hall)
• Korean BBQ marinade
• 2-3 basil leaves, shredded
• 1 medium gold potato
• 1 medium sweet potato
• 1/4 cup sharp cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
• fresh black pepper

Fry up the garlic and onion in oil until fragrant, then toss in the ground turkey and all the vegetables. Cook until softened, and then add in the chickpeas and Korean BBQ marinade:
Once heated through, pour the vegetable mixture into a baking dish. Top with basil leaves:
Slice the potato and sweet potato into about 1/4-inch slices:
Place it in overlapping patterns over the baking dish and sprinkle with cheese and cracked black pepper:
Cook in a 400 degree oven until done:
You can definitely guess my reaction to this toasty cheesy dish as I pulled it out of the oven!
How can you say no to toasted cheeeeeese?!
Slop it up onto a dish:
No matter how you look at it, it definitely looks sloppy…
But oh-so-delicious! I swear, that Korean BBQ marinade is the bomb, and it will make even my running shoes taste delicious. It’s best with meat, of course, but plenty tasty with vegetarian options like this one!
But I have to say, the best part was the crispy texture of the 2-potato crust…So crunchy, so cheesy!
Obviously this little dish is just for show, because right after I finished this portion, I finished up the rest by the baking dish:
Yum.

Too bad my sloppiness doesn’t produce such delicious results!

By the way, I’ll be gone this weekend…To SAN FRANCISCO! I’ll be hitching at Maggie from Say Yes to Salad’s place together with Coco from Balance, Joy and Delicias for the Foodbuzz Festival….AHH! So excited!! I can’t believe I’m finally meeting so many amazing bloggers!!! >.<

But not to worry (Ok, I’m the only one worrying)…Mimi will be doing a guest post, so please check back in the weekend for that!

Question of the day: So, what kind of work ethic do you have? Are you a diligent bee? Or a sloppy dreamer like me?

Celebration

Guess what? I was in tears today again for my 22nd birthday. But it wasn’t tears of sorrow or despair or self-pity. It was tears of joy and thanksgiving.

My parents had sent me a birthday package (ooh I wonder what it is?) but it wasn’t due to arrive until tomorrow or Friday, so my dad sent me a copy of his birthday letter to me by email:

It is in Korean, and it’s like 3 pages long, so I won’t translate it all, but here’s a quick summary:

My dad told me that he spent the whole day flipping through my old photographs. He detailed each one for me, progressing through the course of my life: the day I was born and sat on the palm of my dad’s hand, the day I turned one and dressed in traditional Korean clothing, the day I got a new brother and cried for the lack of attention, the first day I went to pre-school without a moment’s nervousness…all leading up to even those few pictures of me emaciated and ill.

All throughout the course of my life, He drew a clear picture for me on how God was present in me, leading and guiding me every step of the way. And then he mentioned all the people who have cared for me, who have prayed for me, who have loved and blessed me, and how God answered their prayers by restoring my spiritual, mental and physical health…

I couldn’t help it. Each time I read a new paragraph, fresh tears flowed as my heart was gripped with a complex mix of overwhelming emotions: love, appreciation, gratefulness, even pain.

You know…every birthday, I had always expected something out of other people. Whether it is for them to remember my birthday, or say “Happy birthday” to me, or give me presents, etc, I’d always met my birthday with the idea that I should be the one who is celebrated.

Well, from this birthday onwards, I am switching it around. I’m not celebrating myself, but I’m celebrating all the people who has played a part in my life. Because without them, I would not be the person I am now.

So thank you, God, for your everlasting grace and mercy.

Thank you, mom and dad, for never giving up on me and loving me despite all the pain I’ve given you.

Thank you, my brother, for enduring all the family dramas, and treating me so gently and patiently.

Thank you, my church, for always praying for me and supporting me.

Thank you, my friends, for sticking by me and comforting me.

Thank you, my fellow bloggers (and readers), for listening to me and giving me constant motivation and encouragement.

And finally, thank you, my body, my soul, my life, for not failing on me, even though I never treated you well.

And of course, I’ve got to celebrate food. After all, I’ve been abusing it for many years. It’s time I started treating it right—eating it, enjoying it, digesting it, and using the energy to live out the best life I can.

I contemplating having noodles for my birthday, but I decided that I better stick to my trademark favorite ingredients. Can you guess what they are?

If you said kabocha, check. Cheese? Check. And gochujang to highlight my mother country? Check. The only thing missing is a runny egg, but three is a crowd already.

Korean BBQ-Style Stuffed Kabocha

• 1 small kabocha (mine was about 3 lbs?)
• 4 oz ground turkey
• 1/2 cup diced bell peppers
• 1/2 cup diced zucchini
• Korean BBQ Marinade (recipe below)
• 1 tsp olive oil
• 1/2 small red onion
• feta cheese
• Parmesan cheese

Korean BBQ Marinade:

• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tsp ginger, minced
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon gochujang
• 1 tsp red pepper flakes (optional)
• 1 tsp sesame oil
• 1 tablespoon honey
• black pepper

Cut the kabocha in half, and scoop out the insides:
Next make the Korean BBQ marinade by mixing all the ingredients together in a bowl. Mix in the turkey, bell peppers, and zucchini:
Set aside, and let it marinade for about an hour in the fridge.

Then heat up some oil in a skillet, and start cooking the onions:
Once the onions get kind of soft, toss in the turkey-vegetables mixture, pouring in all the marinade as well:
Cook until done:
Stuff it into the kabocha on top of a baking sheet:
Bake at about 425 degrees for about 20 minutes, and then top with feta and Parmesan cheese, and bake for 10 more minutes until cheese is melted and the kabocha is cooked through.
Oh my gosh. I can’t believe this is the first time I tried stuffing a kabocha. I’ve been seeing these around in a lot of blogs, such as The Broccoli Hut, and am I super-glad I tried it out! But of course I had to put my unique spin by going Korean-style!
The marinade is amaaaaaazing. Have you guys ever tried the spicy Korean pork BBQ called duaejikogi? I used the same marinade recipe for this.
Spicy, with a touch of sweetness, and inteeeeense! Totally freaking flavorful.
I didn’t cook the vegetables too much, so that they don’t get mushy, but retains a bit of a crunch.
Do you eat the skin? Nothing was left when I was done with this.
By the way, nobody except Mimi and Kathryn knows about my birthday. I find it kind of awkward to go around boasting about my 22nd birthday to my 18-year-old friends, heh heh.

But one of my friends somehow found out and sent me this beautiful flowers:
And I got a new USC mug!
I USC indeed!

Thank you for all your emails, tweets, and facebook messages wishing me a good birthday. Today was definitely the most amazing birthday I had…because for once, I’m not celebrating myself, but others. And you know what? I am freaking blessed, because I am surrounded by beautiful, amazing people. Now that, is the best birthday present I can ever want!

P.S. To commemorate a new beginning of a new 22nd year, I’ve updated my About Me Page…Please check it out! >.<

Question of the Day: What was the best birthday gift you’ve received? Doesn’t need to be something physical. Oh, and when is your birthday? You don’t need to share the age though!

Thank God There Is No Forever 21

I love the American system of determining one’s age. You are allowed to stick to your previous age until you hit your birthday, and you don’t turn one until you live outside of your mother’s womb for a whole year.

Now, compare it to Korean age reckoning. Your age starts at conception, not birth, and you gain a year each time you pass a new year. So, by Korean age reckoning, I am…23 years old, and just 2 months away from becoming 24 years old (!!).

But thankfully, I live in America, and I can still gleefully declare that I am 21 without being a liar. But of course, there is no such thing as Forever 21. Because in just 2 days, I turn 22. Dun dun dun…

I remember that when I was a kid, turning older was a big, flashy event. The day I turned 11, I proudly told my parents I am no longer a kid, but a “mature” teenager (Like that’s a good thing? Helloooo puberty!). It took me about 3 more years to actually start becoming a bit more mature, but the fact that I could no longer count my age with my ten fingers thrilled me.

But then, birthdays started becoming a drag. Why? It was nothing but a single day in a year. But the fact that it was supposed to be special, supposed to be celebratory, made it all the more depressing when the day did not measure up to expectations. On my 14th birthday, I spent the night crying in bed because I had just moved to America and had little friends, and my mom bought me the ugliest winter jacket from Costco for my birthday present (I’d wanted a cute peacoat).

On my 17th birthday, I cried all night again, but for a more serious reason—I was distraught in despair, as I felt myself sink lower and lower into my anorexia.

On my 18th birthday, I once again cried all day—It was only a few weeks since I had been sent home from Northwestern because of my eating disorder.

On my 19th birthday, I cried again because I was missing my parents. I had moved out a couple months earlier after a huge fight with them, and I had relapsed, hard.

On my 20th and 21st birthday, I did not cry. I was just far too emotionally detached to have any sort of real, painful feelings. I woke up, I went out for an obscenely long walk, I came back home, I obsessed over my food rituals, I went to bed with nothing to look forward to. No hope, no excitement, no nothing.

And here comes my 22nd birthday on Wednesday. Honestly, I’m still not sure how exactly I feel about my birthday. But I do know I am feeling something. It’s a mix of “Holy shit I am freaking old!” and “Wow, look at how much I changed in a year” and “Thank you Lord, for letting me still be alive”.

I can’t describe it. But overall, I can say I’m feeling positive. Hopeful. A bit annoyed at how fast life passes by, but ultimately, pleased and thankful to God who has sustained me through piles of crap and drama, and to all the lovely people out there who have patiently endured me.

By the way, one thing I will not be having on my 22nd birthday is that stinky seaweed soup Koreans traditionally eat during birthdays. Thank goodness I’m away from my mother on my birthday, or she might have tried to make me  have some. However, there is another birthday tradition, common among the Chinese, which is eating noodles. The long strands is supposed to symbolize longevity.

I don’t care for longevity, but I’ll take the noodles!

Hot & Cold Pasta Salad

For the pasta dressing:

• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 cup freshly-squeezed orange juice
• 1/2 cup POM juice
• 1 tablespoon dijon mustard
• 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
• milk (according to taste)
• salt and pepper

For the “hot” ingredients:

• olive oil
• 1/2 large red onion, sliced thinly
• 2 links Trader Joe’s Apple-Chardonnay sausages, sliced
• grated orange zest

For the “cold” ingredients:

• 1/2 green apple, thinly sliced
• handful dried berries
• handful dry-roasted pistachios
• basil leaves, chopped finely
• 2 cups chopped romaine lettuce
• handful feta cheese

For the pasta:

• about 5-6 oz whole-grain linguine (did not measure)

water and salt

Mix all the dressing ingredients together, set aside.

Bring a pot of water to boil with salt, and cook the linguine according to packet directions.

Meanwhile, cook the onions with the oil on a skillet until slightly softened, then add in the sausages. Pour in the dressing, and cook until the onions are soft and caramelized, and the sausages are cooked through. Grate in the orange zest.

Once the pasta is done, drain it, then toss into the hot ingredients. Turn off heat.

In a large salad bowl, toss all the cold ingredients except the feta cheese with the skillet ingredients. Mix well, then dish out onto a plate, and top with feta cheese. Grate more black pepper and orange zest if you like.
Look at that! Why only eat this on your birthdays? I wouldn’t mind eating this everyday!
I loved all the different components of this dish. Sort of like a hot pasta, but tossed into a salad. There are the hot, caramelized onions, and the hot, charred sausages…
Balancing out the cold,  refreshing lettuce, the tart green apples, the crunchy pistachios, the chewy dried berries…
A toast to our longevity!
And another toast to a great friend who waited patiently for me to be done taking pictures!
Obviously, this dish was a bit pre-mature. It’s not my birthday yet, but I think I know what I’ve having on Wednesday!

Question of the day: What is your birthday tradition? Doesn’t really have to be food, though that would always be welcome!

The Real Natural Diet

“You’ve gotta eat your vegetables.”

Everybody has heard and known this since they were a toddler. For those of us who were lucky enough to have parents who cared, we’ve had broccoli and spinach and peas stuffed down our throat since young. Our parents deviously slipped carrots guised under some cheesy sauce, or cunningly cut up onions especially fine so that we won’t be able to pick them out.

This is why it may seem so strange to you that for the last three or so years, I’ve been hearing the complete opposite: “You’ve gotta eat your dessert and junk food.”

Because, you see, refusing to indulge in a while is a health problem, too. So is insisting on eating only “organic, whole foods” and nothing else. They’re both a mental health problem.

Now don’t go and smugly tell me you never have cravings. That you never want something sinful and sweet, or that you never occasionally dream of sinking your teeth into a nice, greasy piece of fried chicken or french fry. Because we all know that it’s total and complete bullshit.

I’d never been overly concerned about healthy eating, even during my worst eating disordered years. During my depths of starvation, all I cared about was the calories, and I practically subsisted on nibbles of carrot sticks, chocolate, cookies, muffins, and black coffee. Because I was severely deficit in calories, all I craved was sugar and caffeine.

Once I decided to “recover”, however, I sunk into yet another disorder: the obsession to eat healthy. Sounds virtuous, doesn’t it? Don’t let that deceive you.

At that time I claimed that I was trying to take care of myself now, that I was willing to “recover”, therefore I needed all the nutrition I can get— Bull-freakin-shit. That was just an excuse to be able to restrict, to be able to hold on to that form of control I was afraid to let go.

What am I saying here? I’m not trying to force McNuggets down everybody’s throat and advertise a reform for fast food and frozen entrees— this is our body and we have the responsibility to take care of it— but we need to give our bodies more credit.

I believe our bodies are wonderful, miraculous creations intricately woven by the hands of God, and that they can take care of themselves better than our own minds. The problem is when we try to control and analyze every milligram of vitamins, every ounce of fat, protein, fiber, etc. that enters our mouth, as if our bodies can be supervised and monitored like machines.

Let’s take protein, for example. I think I might have lacked in the protein department a bit because the last few days, I’ve been craving a good, meaty burger. And guess what? I listened to my body and got myself a burger:
Okay, I’ll admit: in true Sophia-fashion, I went totally overboard and ate 3 Carl’s Jr burgers and 3 Burger King Whoppers over the last 5 days. I was feeling icky by the 4th burger, but I still forced myself to eat it because I didn’t want to waste money. I’m all burgered-out now.

But! That also proves yet another thing: if you listen to your body, you won’t ever go overboard. I remember I used to be worried that once I let a bite of “junk food” touch my lips, then I’ll “lose it” and start craving nothing but junk food. Well, that is simply not true. After I satisfied my burger craving, all I felt was satisfaction. And I could live without burgers for a while now.

Another craving I strangely had today: Fried stuff. So I picked some criss-cut fries from Carl’s Jr:
Greasy. Crunchy. Hot. Salty. It was heaven.
Do I want to eat deep-fried stuff again now? Not really. I’ve satisfied my craving, and I probably won’t be wanting any fried stuff until my next craving.

Next up: sugar. I already mentioned before that I don’t really have a sweet tooth. But I noticed that on days when I’m really needing an extra boost of energy, I get my sweet tooth back:
I’ve long since finished this packet of Newman Own’s Organics Ginger-O’s, but you see my point (It’s awesome by the way, much better than chocolate Oreos).

Or I might suck on one or two of these Korean milk caramels:
My point is, there is no food on this Earth that is bad for you. Every food, even the “junk food” that we try to avoid, is nourishment and sustenance for our bodies and our minds. It only becomes truly bad when we abuse them.

Every food is allowed and every food is necessary, but in natural moderation. Notice I added the word “natural”, because that’s the kind of diet I want to have— the diet that is not ruled by numbers and data, but guided by the amazing, natural body that God gave me.

That being said, let me show you a dish that I think has a pretty good balance in both nutrition and indulgence. Again, I hate numbers, but I’ll say leaving about 20% for a bit of leeway won’t do you no harm in the least.

Kabocha-Grits with Sautéed Vegetables, Grilled Hotdog, and Soft-Boiled Egg

Kabocha Grits:

• olive oil
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 small onion, diced
• 1/3 cup dry corn grits
• chicken broth
• 1/4 cup kabocha puree
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
• salt and pepper

Sauteed Vegetables:

• olive oil
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 small onion, diced
• 1/2 zucchini, chopped
• 2-3 shitake mushrooms, chopped
• squeeze lime juice
• drizzle balsamic vinegar

Additional Ingredients:

• 1 link hotdog
• 1 large egg
• feta cheese, crumbled
• black pepper

For the grits, cook garlic and onion in olive oil until soft. Stir in the grits, and pour in chicken broth. Bring to a boil, and let simmer, stirring constantly. Stir in kabocha, and cook until thick. Add more liquid if necessary. Remove from heat, stir in cottage cheese and Parmesan. Season with salt and pepper.

For the vegetables, just sautee all the vegetables together in a pan. Drizzle in vinegar and squeeze in lime juice to taste. Don’t go overboard!

Meanwhile, split and grill the hotdog in your trusty George Foreman. Soft-boil an egg (about 4-5 minutes). Peel the skin.

Once everything is done, ladle the grits onto a dish, toss the vegetables over. Place the egg and hotdog on top. Sprinkle with feta cheese, and grate fresh ground pepper over.
Hee hee hee, I know some of you are gonna groan and moan about that vulgar hotdog tainting the whole dish, but I like hotdogs! They are a cheap source of protein, and how can you not like these pink processed mystery meat?
But honestly, hotdogs taste so much better grilled like this. I love Mr. GF! I took a bite off the end before plating it, though. This was one huge fat hotdog. Compare it to the “large” egg!
And I really, really don’t get people who leave out the yolks to be “healthy”. The yolk is actually the most nutritious part! And that myth about eggs causing high cholesterol? It was proven wrong!! Just goes about to say how much you can trust these scientists…
And another more important reason why you should eat the whole egg: It’s freaking yummy!
  How about that? I didn’t even plan out the nutritional facts of this dish, and it turned out pretty well-balanced, in my opinion.
I hope I didn’t offend anyone with this post. I apologize if I have come a bit too strong, but I felt it necessary to point out that disordered eating and obsessive behaviors can come in all forms, even under the thin guise of healthy eating.

Again, I’m not implying that you should toss your Greek yogurt and forget about buying organic— if you can afford it, that’s great— but you shouldn’t let that control you in any way. Ultimately, food is just food—sustenance to help you enjoy your life. It would be just too sad and ironical if food was what robbed you from real peace and joy in life.

Question of the day: What are you craving right now? Be it donuts or celery sticks, just say the truth!

I’m a Shameless Cheese-Whore

Having been brought up in an Asian culture, one thing that really impressed me when I moved to America is how shameless the people here are— and I mean that in the highest form of compliment.

Self-confidence and self-promotion is kind of frowned upon in Asian society. Instead, silence about one’s achievement and even self-deprecation is encouraged so as to display an appearance of modesty and humility.

If someone compliments you, don’t say “Thank you”. That’s rude and arrogant! No, you’ve got to first reject the praise, saying, “No, no, I’m not…” and then go on to downplay whatever compliment you received by saying something like, “I’m actually not that smart/pretty, blah blah blah…”

On the other hand, if someone criticizes you, you are discouraged from defending yourself, especially if that person is older than you. No, you’ve got to bear it with silence and dignity. But often times, those who just endures it ends up holding a nasty grudge that eventually poisons the relationship.

Imagine my surprise when I first came to America. I thought I was surrounded by a bunch of swollen-headed, disrespectful kids! I was shocked when the majority of the kids in class raised their hands when a teacher asked a question. That never happened in Singapore! Or when most kids seemed to have no problem stating that they are good in something, or the fact that nobody stuttered when speaking in public; in fact most seemed to relish the attention. Or when these kids faced critiques, they actually spoke up for themselves!

And you know what? I absolutely loved it. I loved the air of confidence, and the way everybody spoke out in class, even if some basically spoke a gabble of bullshit just so she/he could be heard. Until now, I’ve never really met anybody here who is truly “shy” the way some people are in Asia.

I have to admit, I still instinctively downplay any compliments given to me. But I’ve become less shy and self-depreciative over the years. I love to raise my hand in classes, and I don’t mind showing off my talents, or speaking about my achievements.

I think to a certain degree, being shameless is a good thing. It just means you are thankful for who you are and what you have, and it’s always nice to share that with others.

And now, I’m going to be completely shameless by bragging about this freaking awesome dish I made with Mimi, and by basically begging to win a giveaway. Because when it comes down to cheese, I have no face!!

You see, one of the Dynamic Duo sister bloggers, Biz from Biggest Diabetic Loser, is having a fantastic giveaway…a whole $60 dollar gift basket to Cabot Cheese!!! The rules to enter is simple: Come up with a recipe using cheese.

Biz suggests using Cabot Cheese, but unfortunately, I’m dreadfully 1) poor (remember my measly bank account?) and 2) I’m frightfully, dreadfully low in cheese supply: I only have three kinds left! Which is another reason why I need to win this giveaway.

So without further ado, let me introduce my mind-blowingly, blazenly brilliant cheesy recipe…(see how shamelessly self-advertising I am?)

Kabocha Mac & Cheese with Bacon and Zucchini

• 2 cups dry pasta
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 large onion, diced
• 4 strips bacon, diced
• 1 small zucchini, chopped
• 1/2 cup kabocha puree
• 1/2 cup cottage cheese
• about 1/3 cup milk
• cheese packet from Annie’s Mac & Cheese
• 1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/3 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• handful of feta cheese
• cracked black pepper

Bring a big pot of salted water to a boil. Cook the pasta according to box directions.

Meanwhile, cook together garlic and onion, and add in the bacon, and stir until cooked, then stir in the zucchini and cook about 2-3 minutes more until zucchini is cooked but not mushy. Grate in some black pepper.

In another bowl, whisk together the kabocha, cottage cheese, milk, cheese packet, and cheddar cheese. When the pasta is cooked al dente, drain, and immediately mix into the cheese mixture. Stir in the cooked vegetables.

Pile everything out into a casserole dish. Sprinkle with mozzarella cheese and feta cheese, grate black pepper on top, and pop into a 400 degree oven.

Cook for about 20 minutes until cheese is nice and melted.

Ta-da!! I should have cooked it a bit more to get that toasted cheesy top, but the fragrance from the oven was driving me crrraazy!!

By the way, I had to borrow the cheese packet from Annie’s:
Why? Because I didn’t have enough cheese. You reading, Biz?
Anyway. Obviously, casseroles aren’t pretty. But let me tell you, this was one explosion of flavors in my mouth!!
Even Mimi, who hasn’t deigned to let a bite of Mac & Cheese touch her lips in forever, loved it! (It’s true! Ask her!)
By the way, bacon, kabocha, and zucchini goes PERFECT together. What a fantastic combo! What a genius I am! (Again, in with the shameless self-promoting)
And of course, cheese will go with anything and everything. I would eat my own liver if it was smothered in good cheese.
So. I gobbled up half like a barbarian. Mimi nibbled up almost 1/3 like a dainty Southern belle. And we generously left the teensy bit left for my roommate: 
There. I’ve gone all out and shamelessly done whatever I could to underscore the point that I must win this giveaway. And I’ve shamelessly established myself as a cheese-whore. But maybe that isn’t really news…?

But of course, part of being a good shameless person is also being thick-skinned, so I won’t be too…uh…devastated if I don’t win. May the best cheese-whore win! (Pick me! Pick me!)

Question of the day: So, I’m a shameless Cheese-Whore. What are you shameless about?

P.S. No blogger meet-up yesterday…The blogger I was supposed to meet got stuck in the road because her car broke down! T__T;;;

P.P.S. I’ve got a mid-term tomorrow. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING writing about cheese?! Somebody smack me!