This is What “Confused” Tastes Like

A million thanks to all of your sweet and comforting comments! I can’t express how much they meant to me.

This post is going to be one of the hardest I’ve ever written, simply for the reason that I am still very, very confused and have yet to reach a definite resolution. A lot of complicated emotions are swimming in turmoil within me, and I have a feeling that they may not so much have to do with the situation between my friend and me, but more so from my own insecurities and hidden wounds.

Honestly, I thought I would be over it by now. I took a break from everything yesterday, just spending time by myself, declining even a movie invitation by Mimi. But all I’ve gotten out of it is intense loneliness, and the ache of a lost friend.

Right now I’m at a point where I don’t even want to think about it, yet a lot of negative thoughts are stinging me like a bee in my pants. My tear ducts seem to have a been screwed loose because tears keep flowing whether I like it or not. And I just want to shake myself and scream, “Seriously, Sophia, get a freaking grip of yourself, you Drama Queen!”

I haven’t felt such a surge of emotions in a long time…emotions that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I guess I should welcome the change, but…I don’t know how to deal with them. I haven’t dealt with such real emotions for a very long time, because…well, for 4-5 years now, all I’ve ever cared about was me, myself, and my ED.

How do you deal with emotions? Especially such negative emotions such as anger, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, depression, and loneliness?

A long time ago (or seems like it), I simply blocked them out. I would go out and walk for hours, I would turn all the negative feelings into feelings of fatness, I would restrict and just do whatever it took to harm myself. Starving gave me a strange high equivalent to that of drugs, and I would become almost delirious in hunger and weakness. But now…I can’t do that anymore.

I need to face my emotions, but I feel like a coward. I want to hide, I want to brush them away, I want to suppress them and forget about them.

But once again…I can’t. I think I’ve forced them down to the point that everything is flying back at me like a released spring. And going back to my eating disordered ways is no longer an option. So there’s no more option left…but to deal with my issues…the normal, healthy way.

But again…how? That is the question.

Anyway. Somehow my confusion seems to have transferred to my cooking as well, because I came up with a strange concoction…basically a mix of random things. But hey, it actually tasted pretty good. So here it is:

Confused Quesadilla with Eggs, Two Ways

• 2 corn tortillas
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• handful white mushrooms, diced
• handful mung-bean sprouts
• handful kidney beans
• 2 spoonfuls salsa (I used Habanero-Lime)
• 2 eggs, beaten
• handful mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 1/4 cup refried beans
• 1 egg
• handful Parmesan cheese

First, cook the garlic in a fry pan for a few seconds. Then add in the mushrooms and stir-fry for about a minute. Add in the sprouts, kidney beans, and salsa. Cook for about 1 minute. Add in the beaten eggs, and let it cook (no stirring) until the eggs are set.

Meanwhile, microwave the tortillas between a wet towel for 30 seconds. Take one of the tortillas, and place the egg-frittata on it with the mozzarella cheese sprinkled on top:
Then place the second tortilla on top:
Grill it on  Mr. George Foreman (What? By now  you should already know I grill anything I can get my hands on…).
  At the same time, fry the third egg. Mix the cottage cheese with the refried beans. When the quesadilla is done and the tortillas are nice and crispy, top it with the cottage cheese-refried beans mixture, and then top with the fried egg and Parmesan cheese. And you’re done!
Tell me: Are you confused already? What kind of dish is this? Asian sprouts? Cooked in salsa? Sandwiched between corn tortillas? Grilled? Topped with fried egg? And what is with that random cottage cheese stuff?
Aiyah, I don’t care what it is— it was damn freaking good. Now you see why I can’t go back to my eating disordered ways anymore…I’ve discovered the pleasures of food.
For your information, this was a messy dish to eat. But I did not use any fork. Forks are for pretentious people. Nope, I just split it in half and ate it like a sandwich.
Some of the yolk got on my fingers, but I just licked it right off. That’s the way to eat a runny yolk! >.<
  The salsa I used was from the birthday package sent by Christina:
 Love it. Spicy, yet sort of sour, and full of flavor!

Okay, I’ve decided to change the name of this dish to Confucious Quesadilla…Confused+Delicious=Confucious…

Get it? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!! Oh, Sophia, you are just sooooo funny! Oh ho ho ho!
Please excuse me. I’m in a confused state right now.

Question of the day: How do you deal with your emotions? Do you ignore them, or face them?

Cravings

Wow. I was really pleasantly surprised by the great response I got from my last post. Thank you for all your support and warm replies, everyone. Honestly, I was a tad bit worried that someone might misunderstand, take it personal, and be offended, especially since the majority of us are health bloggers.

But I would say that my blog is more of a “spiritual” and “mental” health blog with a few random rambles thrown in. If you’re looking for diet and nutrition tips, you’re in the wrong place.

That said, I did get a few thought-provoking comments. Some of you asked how you can listen to your body and pinpoint your cravings. I think that’s a really good question, and I’d love to hear everybody’s opinion on this.

I’d already responded personally to my readers through email, but I thought it might benefit some of you if I discussed this on my blog. Just be aware that this might not pertain to everyone. I’m speaking through my own experiences, and my answer is actually more directed towards those who have/are recovering from an eating disorder.

Question: What if I can’t figure out exactly what I want? Then what?

My answer:

Ah, I know that situation all too well, of staring and staring in despair into the pantry or menu, wondering what the heck it is I want or crave. After years of deprivation and doing everything against what my body was telling me to, I’d lost connection with my body. I couldn’t tell the difference between whether my body truly wanted that, or if it was just a fleeting appetite for some kind of new thrill or experience. And I also have to admit—sometimes I did kind of feel like having something, but I was too scared to try it.

There was also a period when I was truly deluded into thinking I wanted nothing but fruits, vegetables, yogurt, oats, and low-fat cottage cheese. But that was an illusion, because the truth was that I just couldn’t imagine having anything else.

And then, I started being forced to try new things. My hosts in Singapore challenged me to go eat out with them once a week, and I agreed. It was the best decision in my life, because I was being exposed to all the things I previously convinced myself that I did not enjoy – cheese, pasta, full sandwiches, crepes…It was amazing. It was ethereal. It was then that I suddenly realized all the joys and pleasure that I was denying myself!

Through this process of constantly and continuously challenging myself and trying new and scary foods, I re-discovered all my cravings. And by honoring them, I started to be able to start listening to my body. In the process, I also discovered that some of my taste buds have changed – I found out that I really and truly do not like steak, or barbeque, or nutrition bars, or soymilk, or onion rings, or desserts.

And you know what? It’s normal to have your taste buds change. People’s tastes change as they mature. For example, I dislike wine or alcohol now, but I don’t doubt I’ll enjoy it once I reach a certain age.

However, I also need to remind you that food is just food. Obsessing about what you want and what to eat is also not healthy. It is yet another form of eating disorder. See, food should be enjoyed and all, but its main purpose is also to sustain you with the energy to be able to do whatever you need in life. Panicking if you can’t have what you want, and feeling like every meal should be “worth the calories”…that just stems from your eating disorder mentality.

Conclusion:

1. Branch out and try new things. Don’t automatically think “no” to any certain foods, but have an open-mind that thinks: “I can and will eat anything and everything.” You might love it, or you might not, but how would you know unless you gave it a try?
2. If you can’t figure out what exactly you’re craving, then it’s ok. You don’t always have to eat what you want. So relax, and don’t fret about not being able to figure out what you truly want. As long as you ate well enough to still be able to enjoy your life, your food has served its purpose.
3. When you do the above 2 things, that’s when you start to learn to truly listen to your body. Just like any relationship, you need time to build the trust back with your body. And trust me, your body is smart enough to know that you don’t want hotdogs and fried chicken every single day.

There. I hope I made myself clear enough. If you have any more questions, please feel free to email me or leave a comment. And please, I’m no expert, so I’d love to hear everybody else’s opinions.

Oh, and I forgot to mention one other thing I discovered that I really don’t like: Pumpkin ice-cream. After reading raves about this limited edition of ice-cream from fellow bloggers, I grabbed this when I saw that it was on sale for $2.50:

Yuck!! It tastes like pumpkin pie. I know, I know, what the hell was I expecting, right? But the word “pumpkin” deceived me into thinking it would be better than it was. I guess even pumpkin can’t mask the fact that I really don’t like sweet stuff like ice-cream and pie.

But! In light of what I’ve discussed previously…I think it’s also a great idea to :

1) just try something you’ve never tried before or

2) try something from your childhood days!

And that’s exactly what Mimi and I did today. We went to a Korean grocery store in Koreatown:
  For me, it was a wave of nostalgia to hear all the loud and boisterous chatters of Korean folks, and to sniff in that garlicky, fermented odor of kimchi. And for Mimi, it was a whole new fascinating experience.
We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food stalls there:

We ordered tteokbukki:
 Rice cakes in spicy sauce with cabbage, onions, and hard-boiled egg.
What a pool of red! The lady was rather worried that Mimi might not handle the heat when she handed me this plate of spicy chewy goodness, but she totally underestimated our Southern belle from Texas!
Chewy, sticky, dense, and drenched in thick gochujang sauce…Certainly puts all those puffy airy rice cakes to shame!

We also ordered steamed dumplings:
 Korean-style steamed dumplings filled with pork, chives, and vermicelli noodles.
The difference between Korean and Chinese dumplings? The Korean ones usually have more vegetables than meat, and they almost always have vermicelli noodles in them. Their dumpling skin is also a lot thinner than Chinese ones.
After filling our bellies, we went on a shopping expedition to smash our piggy banks. I introduced Mimi to tteok:
 Korean rice cakes, all varieties…
Aren’t they pretty? I love these, and I was really surprised to find that Mimi liked them too, as most people who aren’t Korean don’t. They expect something sweet like Japanese mochi desserts, but Korean rice cakes are only slightly sweet, and some are even kind of bitter from mugwort.
They are traditional Korean delicacies, and really make a great fast breakfast or snack. I eat them as snacks, but Mimi likes them as breakfast.

Speaking of which…I think I’m gonna heat up one of my tteok. And return to my studies. I’ve been in furious denial that I have 2 freaking mid-terms next week, and I now need to get cranking.

Question of the day: Any advice/tips/comments/suggestions for the question above? And if not, is there anything new or nostalgic you’ve tried recently?

P.S. Check out this amazing philanthropic program to make a difference in this world!

P.P.S. I won Biz’s cheese giveaway with my Kabocha Mac & Cheese recipe!!!!!!!

One Month

While talking to my parents on the phone yesterday night, my mom reminded me that it has been almost exactly one month since I’ve been away by myself in college.

“Do you remember the last time you were away at Northwestern alone?” my mom asked. “Exactly a month later, you gave us a call while you were on your way to the hospital. I don’t think I can ever forget that day.”

Neither can I. That moment is still so vivid and detailed in my mind, I can play it out like a movie scene…

I was called to the school health clinic to pick up my TB testing. Instead of just letting me pick up my test results, the doctor called me for a private talk. She said casually that I was a bit thin, and asked if she could do a check-up on me. I stupidly said yes.

Well, as soon as my stats and weight was out, the doctor’s friendly face turned cold and grave. She basically gave me an ultimatum: Either go to the hospital willingly, or be forced to go against my will. I had no choice. I cried and begged, but she was firm. I promised her I would try to gain (even then I knew I was lying) within a week. She responded that I might not even have a week left in my state. She even called two of the school’s police officers to escort me to the hospital.

Honestly, even now when I talk about my previous school, or even hear the word “Northwestern”, I get an inner chill, and my lips curl up into an unconscious snarl. It provokes bad memories of the day I was literally dragged away from the one dream for which I had worked so hard.

Thinking back, that doctor probably saved my life. I was admitted into the Intensive Care unit, and I was shaken awake several times by nurses during the night because my heart-rate dropped dangerously low. And even if I had not been hospitalized and somehow survived my college year, that year would have been a total waste…because during the month that I was in Northwestern, I was severely unhappy, scared, and lonely.

My mom asked me yesterday if I felt there was anything different about this one month spent in USC. And I’ve been repeating that question in my mind, and I have one truthful answer: I am stressed out, loaded with tons of schoolwork, freaked out by the fact that I’m not so smart as I thought I was…but I am madly, deliriously happy.

Back in Northwestern, I felt like I was living a dream. I had been accepted into my top choice school, but I was scared and anxious and worried all the time, because it didn’t feel real to me at all. My future seemed so bleak and hopeless as I continued to spiral down deeper into my eating disorder world. I felt like one day, I would be shaken awake and my dream would pop like a pricked bubble. And it did, just exactly four weeks after.

But here…I feel hopeful. I feel excited. I feel belonged, I feel…joyful. And I can’t foresee the details of my future right now, but I know and believe it will be good. So yes, I think this time, it’s for real.

It’s freaking awesome, but I’m getting to experience things I’ve never thought I would get the chance to. For example, on Thursday night, I got access as my school’s reporter to Red Carpet seating at a real-life screening!
Check this out…our own seat! The sign reads: Daily Trojan. Woo-hoo, DT! So proud to be a Trojan reporter!

I got the chance to interview all the major cast members of the ABC Family’s TV show GREEK! Greek is teaming up with DoSomething.Org, and there was a screening at LA Live’s Grammy Museum.
I thought I was going to faint, because I was not expecting to have an in-person interview with them that evening, and my brain was in a snowstorm trying to come up with questions for them!
Thankfully Mimi was by my side as my moral support and photographer! The Public Relations people would probably have ended up carrying my cold body out because I would otherwise have died of hyperventilation. I’m serious! Thank you so freaking much for saving my life, Mimi!

Another awesome thing about college: You meet awesome people. I love everyone in my school! And yes, most particularly my dear Mimi, whom I cannot seem to stop raving about. Can you tell I’m a very affectionate person? Hee hee!

Mimi and I once again braved the horrible metro ride this afternoon with GOOD EATS in mind. It took us more than an hour to reach our destination.
 Mr. Pizza. I wish they had come up with a better name, because I would have so easily dismissed it just for its crappy and ambiguous name. Thank God I didn’t.
The interior was simple and modern, with an elevated area by the windows. There was a small salad bar, but I wasn’t particularly interested in salads today.
There was even a bar with a TV and everything. Definitely not your average Pizza Hut.
The service was inadequate, though. We had to wait a good 8 minutes before anyone noticed us to get us seated. The server wasn’t a very good English-speaker, either. That may explain why all the customers were Korean. I wasn’t annoyed by that or anything, though, since I speak with a strong accent myself, but I can imagine that some non-Koreans might get a bit irritated.

Our order took another good 20-30 minutes or so to arrive. Thankfully we had our diet cokes to keep us from gnawing the tablecloth, because it was well past 2 pm by that time.
The cherry in it is so random, I had to take a picture of it.

We were also served pickles and peppers to munch on:
Finally, our pizza arrived. We’d ordered a regular Shrimp Gold premium pizza to share:
Sweet potato mousse, salsa, Cajun shrimp, ground beef, olives, bell pepper, cheddar cheese.
Yes, you heard me right. Sweet potato mousse. That crust right there? Stuffed with sweet potato and covered with melted, golden cheddar cheese.
And the shrimp! I’m not much of a shrimp fan, but it was fantastic on pizza! Could have used a bit more spice, though, but nothing Tabasco sauce can’t fix! Lol, can you see the red pepper flakes on the top picture?
To its defense, the shrimp was pretty tasty with the Cajun seasoning, and I was pleased to find it didn’t dry out at all in the oven but retained its plump sweetness and juiciness.

Check the inside out…The crust was seriously the best part. The pizza toppings were nice, but I could forget all about that as long as I had this precious crust. Holy. Freaking. Yum!!
I asked for blue cheese dressing on the side for dipping, but it tasted like ranch sauce and was pretty nasty. In fact, I’m pretty sure they gave me ranch. I decided to stick to hot sauce.  Can’t go wrong with that. Mmm…

Yes indeed, today was totally the best way to celebrate the fact that one happy month in USC has passed, and I am still happy and not in the hospital with tubes sticking out of me. Oh, and look what arrived this morning as if it knew it was time to celebrate…
A package of Newman’s Own Organics goodies, sent by the generous and kind Sally!
Holy cow! This was a freaking HUGE package! Just look at all that jazz!
 Fig Newtons, Ginger-O’s, the original Hermits and the ginger Hermits cookies…
TONS of chocolate…
 Newman-O’s (creme, mint, and chocolate)…
A selection of mints (peppermint, wintergreen, cinnamon, ginger)…
 Orange Chocolate Chip and Double Chocolate Mint cookies…
Variations of pretzels…
 Dried fruits (apples, berries, raisins)…Can’t wait to create savory dishes with these!

I’d kidded with Sally that I might have a hard time sharing when she suggested that I share with my friends…but I had no idea how generous she was going to be! I sent Mimi home with a few of her own goodies, so be ready for her own reviews!

I made a small plate of snacks this evening:
That’s (from top left) the ginger Hermits, double chocolate mint cookies, orange chocolate chip cookies, and Fig Newtons.

I didn’t care much for the chocolate mint cookies, but the orange ones were surprisingly good! As soon as I opened the bag, a fruity aroma wafted up and tantalized my nostrils…I could sniff the bag all day long!

But my favorite was definitely the classic Fig Newton:
 Tip: Keep it in the fridge. It makes the cookie SO chewy, and very somehow it taste much better chilled! I love that this cookie is not too sweet, either.

My other favorite was the ginger Hermit:
It tastes exactly like a Ginger Snap, except as chewy as a brownie. With soft bites of raisins, it is a total pleasure to nibble on! Mimi bit into this before me, and she immediately moaned and exclaimed, “Sophia, you’ve got to try this, oh my God!” And my dear readers, I say the same thing to you. It was delightful!
Thank you, Sally!

And thank you, everyone, for sticking with me. This blog and the community is one of the reasons why I’ve managed to stay sane throughout my first four weeks in college. Your words really bring comfort and joy to me, and I sincerely believe that each of you are angels God provided for me! Yes, you’re all angels, and don’t you forget it!

Oh, and let me just say once more: I’m SO glad I’m here and not in the hospital! Lol! >.<

Question of the day: What are you celebrating today? It can be anything, small or big!

Just a Shadow

For those of you who have been reading since the start of this blog, or if you look at my About Me page, you’ll know that I started this blog as a sort of “treatment center” for me to fight my eating disorder…And for the past month or so, you might have noticed that I don’t really talk much about my eating disorder anymore.

Well, the simple truth is, I just don’t have much to say about it anymore. Why? Because it isn’t part of my life now. Take note that I am not saying I am completely healed. But it’s no longer dominant. There used to be a time when I would wake up feeling eating disordered, and go to sleep feeling eating disordered. The two letters ‘ED’ rang in my mind, poking me and taunting me in every single action and speech I made.

But now, I no longer care for it. Quite simply, I have many other things to think about that is much more significant and meaningful to me than my eating disorder.

Again, I am not saying that I am quitting, or that I am no longer fighting. The thing is, I don’t even have to fight or struggle that hard anymore. I just…simply don’t get all those irrational fears and anxieties anymore, and if they do come occasionally, it takes just a few shrugs to brush it off.

My dad once told me that one day, ED will be like a distant dream to me. At that moment, I felt my heart clench with longing and desire— I wanted that day to come so desperately, but I did not have any spark of hope that it will. And now…I believe I am very close. ED is but a shadow in my life. There are still remnants of it lingering from time to time, but the light inside of me is getting brighter and brighter, chasing the darkness away.

One key evidence is the ease with which I dine with others. Gone are the days when I would freak out over a social eating days in advance. Even if a social event is sprung upon me by surprise, I can comfortably abandon my plans and follow along.

Sunday was one example of that. After church service, a bunch of girls asked me out for lunch. I actually had something else in mind that day, but I said “yes” immediately, simply for the reason to socialize…like any normal person would!

And guess where we went?
 CURRY HOUSE in Little Tokyo! Remember that time I went there and had a divine lunch with my parents? I was so thrilled to be able to visit it again!

This time, I ordered the Chili Shrimp and Spinach Pasta:
 Shrimp, spinach and onion in spicy chili flavor with Spaghetti
Eee! Divine! I forgot to ask them to make it as spicy as possible though, so it certainly wasn’t hot enough for me. Thus I dunked tons of Tabasco sauce on top, shocking the hell out of my new church friends. Don’t mind me, just being Korean…

By the way, I think I found my church. I really enjoyed the Sunday’s message. I had goosebumps all over; the message was so powerful! Also, my new friends are pretty awesome! One of them also grew up in Singapore, and guess what? She whipped out her camera with me, too! How cool is that? A potential food-blogger, perhaps?

Anyway. There is another reason why I should hang out with them more. They have cars. Haha! We might be making a Trader Joe trip sometime, and of course downtown for more good eats!

Sadly, the food options in my own school’s campus seems to be limited without a car.

See, I’ve also been exploring other dining options in my campus with my friends. On Wednesday, my friend Yoomi called me out for lunch out of the blue, and we went to this on-campus cafe called Popovich.

Obviously, the Smoked Turkey Wrap caught my eye:
 Smoked turkey, orange-infused cream cheese, cranberry chutney, and spinach in a spinach wrap, done Panini-style. Side of pasta salad and pickle.
Orange-infused cream cheese? Cranberry chutney? How could I refuse?
Unfortunately, there was too much spinach and too little cheese and chutney. They were skimpy on the two most interesting ingredients, so this wrap turned out…quite unremarkable. Sad.
The pasta salad weren’t that great, either. Not a fan of cold pasta or dressing…

And all those people who have been telling me Parkside Dining hall is better than EVK? They were WRONG!
 Mimi and I met up yesterday afternoon for lunch at the dining hall next to my apartment.
It was the first time I was dining here, and I see I haven’t been missing much.

Parkside looks nice and polished, but I can’t say the same for their food:
 Turkey burger, Mango chicken, Indian-stewed vegetables, salad, fruit.
Blegh. The mango chicken had a great sauce, but the chicken was overcooked and tough. 
The turkey burger was completely inedible. I had to get another cheeseburger:
And this was almost as horrible. Dry, tasteless, bland. Even the cheese. I thought processed cheese was supposed to at least have some kind of taste with all the crap they put in there.
The stewed vegetables were all right, but too greasy and heavy.

To “get my money’s worth” from this completely unsatisfactory (and expensive for $10.25) lunch, I loaded up on two of these ice-cream cones:

Even the cones were tiny! Rip-offs! >:-(

I might have also snuck out with some fruits. ;-p

Ah, well. You can’t always have fabulous meals all the time. Too bad I have 49 more meals I’m forced to eat in Parkside. Boo.

Anyway, I’m glad it’s a weekend! Weekends didn’t mean anything to me before, but now it’s such a pleasure to have a couple of days off! I guess this goes to prove that we need a little tough moments (or bad food) in our life to make us appreciate the good moments (or yummy food)!

Question of the day: Why did you start your blog? Has the purpose/motivation for your blog changed over time?

P.S. Check out Mimi’s post on her revelation on calorie-counting and her recipe for her Hotshot Creamy Cuke Sammie!

High School Reunion

Today I had a very significant dinner date with two of my high school friends, Kate and Kelly. It was a very important time for me, because it was the first meet-up since many years that I’ve met my high school friends with a different outlook and understanding of our relationship.

Kelly and I have had an altogether smooth friendship.
We are so different and unlikely friends, but our common interest in literature and art has bonded us together. I like her a lot, and she’s spunky, rambunctious, and tons of fun. Though we are opposite polars of the world, we’ve never really had any conflicts between us. Perhaps we’ve just never talked deeper about our most intimate and personal lives.

Kate and I, however, go back further.
She was one of the first “Caucasian” friends I made when I first arrived in America from Singapore as an awkward FOB (fresh-out-of-boat) with nerdy glasses and pants that showed off my ankle-socks and plastic sandals. God, was I so…fobby then.

But Kate accepted me and welcomed me to her group of friends. Being alike in many ways, we formed a fiercely close bond. We were both highly stubborn, opinionated, and passionate. I remember clearly those days when we would debate loudly about religion and politics, each insisting that each was right. Our relationship kept strong and steady through high school, even though we had different classes.

And then…anorexia stomped in. Well, what did you expect? ED loves to ruin anything and everything it can.

The night I got hospitalized, Kate was one of the few people I called. She came to visit me immediately. She kept up a stoic front, but I caught a look of shock in her expression when she saw me lying in bed in my hospital gown with all visible bones protruding, hooked to the IV. She’d never really guessed that I had an eating disorder, because I had been hiding under bundles of clothes and had carefully avoided all social activities consisting food.

I didn’t witness this myself as I was stuck in the hospital, but Kate was hysterical when she went back home. Apparently she cried all the day in school, blaming herself for not catching me beforehand. She sent me cards, and pleaded with me to admit myself to a treatment center.

5 days later, I checked myself out of the hospital against doctor’s orders. 5 days later, my friendship with Kate slid down jagged steps.

She never understood why I did not enter a treatment program. I guess she thought I was being a religious freak when I said no one can really heal me except God. And I guess she was frustrated because I couldn’t admit out loud that I did have anorexia. From then on, she carefully started to avoid me.

A few months later, I found out from another friend that she had a birthday party…to which I was secretly left out. I was stunned, and extremely hurt. I decided to avoid her, too. Then she left for college, and I left for mine, and we went our separate ways.

Three years have passed since then. We’ve had a few meet-ups, but they’ve always felt so superficial, so forced, so unnatural. There was a barrier between us, a stone wall formed by tons of misunderstandings and hurt and difference of opinions.

It’s been more three years since our last meet-up. And during that year, I’ve started to give up a lot of hurt emotions I’ve held against her before. I’ve talked to some other friends, and I’ve discovered that there just have been some misunderstandings between us. Kate never meant to leave me out of her birthday party. She just didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable, and the pressure to eat in front of others.

I’ve also started to understand why she had avoided me. I was a volatile bomb those days, ready to bite anyone who tried to get too close, who mentioned anything about my eating disorder. As a friend who really did care about me, it was torture for her to sit by me with a fake smile on her face, pretending everything was okay.

Well, today, us three had a pretty swell reunion. We met up at Tequila Grande, a Mexican restaurant right across my house which I have never visited before (shame on me!):
Tequila Grande is a really popular place. It’s always swarmed with customers, and it’s got some pretty cute decorations and interesting trinkets:
And the bar is pretty laid back, too!
The waiter was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt. I know. Totally unauthentic. He brought us fresh chips:
And of course salsa:
Kelly started off with a classic Margarita:
Kate played it low with a virgin Strawberry Daiquiri:
I played it cheap with plain ol’ water.
Hey, it had a lemon!

Then Kelly ordered a Combinaciones plate:
Refried beans burrito and spinach & cheese enchilada. Served with Spanish Rice, refried beans, Pico-de-gallo & sour cream
Kate ordered the Chicken Fajita Burrito:
Strips of chicken or steak, sautéed with red & green peppers and onions, in a flour tortilla with cheese, topped with salsa ranchera and cheese, served with rice, refried beans, pico-de-gallo & sour cream

I ordered the Vegetable Fajita:
Vegetables, Mango, Mushrooms, and Plantains Fajita platter. Prepared with sliced onions, red & green peppers and tomato wedges, served sizzling. Accompanied by warm whole wheat tortillas, Spanish rice, fresh guacamole, shredded cheese, sour cream and Pico-de-gallo
Yes, indeed. I think my dish rocked the night!
I specifically ordered it for the plantains, but was rather disappointed to find it sort of…raw. But the vegetables were AWESOME! LOVED the warm mango in it, too!
I even finished up the rice.
Sour cream, mixed with Spanish rice and melted cheese? Freaking awesome: Prepared on the whole wheat tortilla…
I have to say, dinner was quite a fiesta. But not as wicked as the conversations we had! Oh my…I didn’t know whether to be weirded out or fascinated, because my friends…they are quite a…experienced bunch, if you know what I mean .
Forgive me, but I’m a PK, so I’ve pretty much been hanging out with really conservative people my whole life. So it was a bit of fresh air to indulge in juicy gossip and x-rated talk. Seriously, I am Virgin Mary compared to my friends! Their basic final message to me as we parted was: “Get laid, Sophia. It’s f**king awesome.” 0__@!!!!

Once we were done with dinner, we headed over to Kelly’s place to check out her artwork. And freaking hell was I freaking impressed!
Man, look at that quilt she made!

She does a lot of life drawing, so most of her paintings are nudes. So if you’re shy or underage, please DON’T scroll down!
Here’s Kelly with her best work:
And another one of a couple full of passion:

I used to be in the same AP art class as Kelly, and I was really impressed by how much she has improved. One of the things ED stole away from me was my passion for art. Her dedication and passion really inspired and touched me to try rekindling that interest again.

And don’t be surprised to see her paintings in an exhibit somewhere! All her work means something, usually derived from her own life experiences, both the shitty and the good, so it contains a lot of raw emotions. Actually, it was while viewing Kelly’s work that I first got to hear the personal, deepest part of her life, for which I was grateful.

I’m so glad I had the chance to catch up with both of them. We will definitely be going to different paths in our lives, but right now, I’m so relieved Kate and I got all the previous muddy emotions past us, and can just really enjoy a simple and pleasant friendship.

Question of the day: Have you ever had a big misunderstanding or complication with a close friend? How did you resolve it?
And if you’re one of those who just never gets into conflicts with others…Are you into art?

One in a 150,000

Did you know that in the time that took you just to read this title, already 2 people have died? Their souls have vanished, gone from the face of the earth forever. Their bodies might remain, but just temporarily until it decays to form one with the earth. Each day, there are over 150, 000 deaths.

I personally know a few people who have passed away. And I also know some who will, very soon. And even scarier, I know there are some who will die all of a sudden without warning. But the worst of it all? It’s that there are many seemingly living people who are really…dead.

I’m sorry for sharing these horrible facts. But they are the sobering truth, after all. What puts me in this somber mood? Well, I have been reading my previous diaries…And they sure weren’t pretty. I was one of those dead-living people. Let me just share one particular entry with you:

August 28, 2007

I worry too much. I worry all the time, constantly, unceasingly; little nagging and panicked voices buzzing and whining in my head. I don’t get a break. Ever. Not when I’m driving. Not when I’m walking to classes, not when I’m grocery shopping, not even when I sleep, where I’ll be worrying about the disturbing images I see.

Sometimes, I wake up feeling terrified, depressed, frightened, or angry, and I don’t know why. I’ve forgotten what dreams I’d had that weighs me with such undesirable emotions. But the residue of oppressive feeling and thoughts remains like a bad stain from a bloody murder.

I know I’m incredibly unhappy. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything I’m so obsessed about. That’s exactly it. An obsession. A horrid, life-wrecking, lonely, indelible and distasteful obsession.

Why can’t I let it go? My soul…I can feel it rotting away more and more each day. I can practically see myself turning into something inhumane with every single ticking second…

I wish…everyone will leave me alone.
I wish…I can just be left alone to do whatever the hell I want
I wish…I can commit suicide without the consequences of my family, friends, and afterlife.
I wish…I can stop…just stop…STOP!!!

I couldn’t help crying when I read this. Who the hell is this person? I can barely recognize myself, that bitter, angry, severely unhappy girl who just didn’t want to live. Who gave up on living. Who saw nothing good in herself or life.

So I tried to kill myself, but in subtle ways. I shunned other people, killing my social life. I drove recklessly, unconsciously hoping I would just crash and be granted an instant death. I binged, purged, and starved, feeling the energy and health suck out of me day by day. I was a zombie, feeling so hollow and empty inside.

What made me snap out of this? I can’t pinpoint the exact time and location, but I know I slowly revived as I realized how precious my life is. There are people dying each day, fighting for their lives, while I ungratefully puttered mine out like it was a toy train. I witnessed the death of my grandfather, who tried so hard to stay alive. I witnessed the pain and suffering of various people, struggling so hard to be healed. And I also realized I was loved…I was worthy enough to be loved!

To have a life…that is in itself a huge blessing, a reason to give thanks for. God only gave me one life after all, a unique and individual life that is no one else’s but mine. I will one day join that 150, 000 people, but before then, I truly intend to use it well. And I hope you do, too.

Okay, pretty heavy stuff for a food blog. But I just had this strong desire to share today’s little insight with you. And besides, today’s lunch was pretty bloody…as in, bloody red and bloody good!

Anyone ever tried bulgur before? Today was the first time I experimented with it, and despite a few doubts, I actually really, really liked it!

Bulgur Pilaf in Chipotle-Kabocha Blood Sauce
( I was gonna use the word “blood” but decided it sounds kinda unappealing…hee)

Chipotle-Kabocha Sauce:

• 1/4 cup mashed kabocha (or any winter squash would do)
• 1 chipotle chili with adobo sauce
• 1/2 cup chicken broth
• 2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed orange juice
• 1 clove garlic, minced

Bulgur Pilaf:

• 1/2 cup dry bulgur
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 4 strips grilled chicken, shredded
• handful grape tomatoes, sliced
• 1 stalk green onion, chopped
• 1/4 cup cheddar cheese, plus more for topping
• salt and pepper

For the sauce, just heat up everything together in a small saucepan, then blend it up into a puree.

For the pilaf, cook the bulgur in the chicken broth until triple in size and cooked through. Toss in the rest of the ingredients, mix well, turn off heat.

Lay the sauce in a pool on a plate. Stuff the bulgur-pilaf into a small bowl, then flip it over onto the center of the sauce. Top with a bit more of the cheese. Enjoy!
Now doesn’t that look impressive!
I really loved the texture of the bulgur: chewy, sort of crunchy, and nutty!
Gotta have cheese!
The hot bulgur sort of cooked up the tomatoes, so there was extra flavor which melded with the shredded chicken…

Love the sauce! Spicy and sweet and flavorful…It went so well with the pilaf!
Don’t you love the green spoon? I saved it from my trip to Yogurt Land
  Each bite was so precious, I didn’t want it to end!

Well that was one heck of a post xp. Next time I’ll try to lighten it up!

Question of the day: Let’s at least keep the question fun and light. What is your favorite grain?

P.S. Did you know you can rate each other’s comment? You’re welcome to! It’d be great if there were some interaction in the comment thread! But one rule: No rating “thumbs down”…unless that the commenter is anonymously cursing someone out.

P.P.S. Yo, are you stalking me on twitter yet?

I’m a Daddy’s Girl

Yes I am, through and through. I adore and admire my dad, and I’m not ashamed to admit that as a little girl, I used to declare to everyone that I want to marry someone just like my dad, but without the baldness.

My dad always tells me I am 99.99% just like him. We’re both strong-willed, emotional, type-A personalities with a temper that flares up and cools down just as fast as a banana flambé. We both love to read, think, write, and talk. We’re passionate about the people and things we love, and we’re both nerds— cool nerds. And yes, we even eat alike.

My dad’s ancestral side of the family were mostly scholars and artists. My mom’s ancestral side were mainly generals and warriors. While my maternal side (and my brother) loves their meat and proteins, my paternal side (and me) digs vegetables and carbs. My mom and my brother needs at least a bowl of rice a day, while my dad and I are happy just slurping up noodles and chewing on bread. Back when we used to have dinner together every night, there was always a Great Divide. Let me elaborate.

My dad and I used to have a favorite dish which neither my mom and my brother liked very much. Thus it was always a treat when my mom made it for us, and when she did, both my dad and I would dig in like famished hyenas, slurping and splattering everywhere while the other two family members rolled their eyes. When we were done, we asked for more until our bellies could take no more. Then we would lay back, pat our pot bellies, and burp out loud.

And each time, my dad would pat me on the head and say proudly, “This little girl here, she is truly my daughter through and through.” And I would beam with pride at the thought that I was just like my daddy.

Well, ever since my eating disorder, we haven’t had that dish together since. My favorite dish became too scary for me, because of the high-carb and calorie content. I remember a few times when my mom would make it, desperately hoping I would take at least a few bites, but I would refuse and run out in a fury. From then on, even my dad seemed to have lost the joy in relishing that dish, because there was no one to enjoy it as much as he did.

But today, I once again took up the role of Daddy’s Girl. We took a trip back to memory lane and slurped up this nostalgic dish again with just as much gusto…

Soo Jae Bi
(Or Korean “gnocchi”…no wonder I love gnocchi!)

Dough:

• about 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• pinch of salt
• water

Condiments:

• 1 Korean zucchini, julienned
• 1 onion, sliced thinly
• 2-3 eggs, beaten
• toasted nori

Soup:

• water
• dried anchovies*

*If you don’t have dried anchovies, then you can just use chicken broth or beef broth for the soup

For the dough, just mix all the ingredients except water together. Slowly dribble in enough water to make a nice dough. Then start kneading it and kneading it until it becomes smooth and pliable:
Leave it to sit for half and hour:
Next, boil up some water with the anchovies. Once the water is boiling, grab a fistful of prepared dough, and start pulling it apart:
Stretch them out into thin pieces of dough:
Drop little pieces of stretched dough into the boiling broth:
Once the dough starts rising to the surface, ladle them out.
Meanwhile, in another pan, sautee the zucchini and onions with some oil until soft and cooked:
You can add some fish sauce if you have that in hand for intensified flavor.

On another frying pan, cook the beaten eggs into a thin omelete, then roll it up and slice them up into thin strips.
Once all the dough is cooked, ladle them into serving bowls. Pour the broth over, and pile on the condiments. Shred some toasted nori on top. Serve!
Hello, old friend!

You can basically put any toppings you like, but our family prefers the Korean zucchini.
Oh and that “gnocchi” is so chewy and smooth and slippery! This is one messy dish because you gotta slurp it up good! Like ramen…remember? Hee hee.
The toasted nori adds so much flavor when it softens into the broth.
I like to drink the broth first, then slurp up the “gnocchi” one by one because that’s my favorite part!
And of course we eat it with some homemade kimchi!
I have to say, this brought back tons a great memories as my dad and I sat side by side, splattering everywhere again together as we used to. We both chewed like cows, and slurped like barbarians, but I sure didn’t feel like one…because at that moment, I just felt like Daddy’s Girl!

Question of the day: Are you a Daddy’s Girl? Or a Mommy’s Girl? With whom are you more alike…your father or your mother?

P.S. Anybody else with WordPress having trouble commenting on Blogspot? I have to hit the comment button several times before they accept my open ID address! >:-( Another reason why you should switch to WordPress

Conquering Good Eats in NoCal, Part I

I’m back! It feels so good to be back at my usual blogging spot, typing away like a mad lady after being so blog-deprived for more than a week. Call me crazy, but the tap-click-tapping sound of my fingers dancing across the keyboard is such a reassuring, soothing melody to my ears!

And congratulations all you smart foodies who guessed where my next challenge was!
In-N-Out!!! Hark, can you hear the angels singing?

I’ve heard about this famous burger chain a long time ago, but I had never even dreamed of even wanting to try it out for myself. I guess at that time, I couldn’t even imagine the picture of my lips touching greasy fast-food.

But those who have been reading my blog for quite sometime already know that I’ve got a personal list of fear foods. One of them was pasta which, as you can see, I’ve already conquered it once and for all. In fact, I seem to have become a human advertisement for gnocchi. Haha!

Anyway, next on my list was fast food. Specifically, deep-fried stuff like french fries. But the way I challenge myself is that I promise myself that if I’m gonna challenge myself with a fear food, I will go all out and make sure it’s good so that I will actually enjoy the experience. I’ve heard so many good stuff about In-N-Out that I knew I just had  to start my first challenge in there.
And it certainly helps how freaking cheap the food here is! I could hear birds fluttering around my head chirping, “Cheap, cheap, cheap!”
The best thing about In-N-Out is that they use quality ingredients, and they make their burgers and fries fresh right before their very eyes. When a restaurant (even a fast food one) has an open kitchen like this, that’s a very good thing.

With that super-simple menu, it took no longer than 10 seconds to decide on what I want. I ordered the cheeseburger:
Holy crap, it was good! Sure, it tastes just as a burger should…which is why I really liked it. It had this pure meaty taste, free of any unpronounceable and suspicious ingredients.
The vegetables were fresh, not limp and stale like the ones in McDonald’s. And the bun was plump and and crusty on the outside after being grilled with the burger, not flat and soggy like the ones in Burger King. 
Now, on to the fries:
Truthfully, after hearing so many raves about it, I was a bit disappointed. It definitely tasted much fresher than the ones in other fast food restaurants, but it just wasn’t that…great. Just something about the fried-taste turned me off. This surprised me because I used to love fries to the point of devouring two Super-size McDonald’s fries a day. I wonder if my taste preferences have changed? I’ll have to give fries another go sometime to make sure.

In the evening, Victoria, my host and one of my dad’s most faithful disciples, invited me out for dinner. We went for a short walk by the San Leandro beach (beautiful!), then hopped off to a Mexican restaurant nearby called El Torito.

As soon as we sat down the waiter served us some chips with salsa:
This was definitely not packaged crap like Tostitos! It was fresh-cooked in oil, and came hot and crispy to our table.

Victoria ordered the Shrimp Fajitas:
 Succulent shrimp sautéed in jalapeño-garlic butter with guajillo chile sauce

It came with a plate of rice, guacamole, and sweet corn cake:
And of course some warm and soft corn tortillas.
I ordered a summer special, the Camarones Yucatan:
 Tender shrimp, fresh vegetables, and chile-citrus sauce cooked together in a banana leaf for a unique flavor. Served with esquite de maiz and rice.

Looks good, covered in the banana leaf…But oh so disappointing when I revealed the contents!
Tender shrimp? No way! They were dry, tough, and chewy. I wondered if it was really squid in disguise! But Victoria was kind enough to share 70% of her shrimp with me. I felt kind of bad, but she ladled them into my plate before I could protest.
Though the shrimp was practically inedible, everything else was delicious, even the rice, which was cooked with tomatoes and spices.
The esquite de maiz was basically cooked sweet corn drenched in butter with some queso. It was good at first bite, but then the richness of the butter and cream got rather cloying.
The best thing about this dish though was the sweet corn cake! Freaking amazing! Think of the most luscious, moist, and flavorful corn cake, and there you have it! I could have had a whole loaf of this stuff!

Good food aside, I had such a fabulous time with Victoria. I know some of you may think it may be awkward to hang out with someone older than me by twenty-more years, but I feel so blessed that I am able to connect with people of all ages through our common faith in Christ. Cultural and racial differences aside, we are similar in so many areas, and I felt so comfortable and free to converse with her about anything from God to traveling.

So that was Sunday. I’ve still got some more great eats to share, but in the interest of keeping this post less painful and short, I’ll drag this vacation out to another post. Yay or nay?

Oh, and guess what? I might be having a blogger meet-up tomorrow! YAAAAY!!

Freedom Starts from the First Step

Wow. Thank you all for your warm wishes towards the few little achievements I have made through my blog. Seriously, why are you guys all so freaking amazing? This was exactly what I meant when I said that I could never have done without your overwhelming support and encouragement! I am only half-way through my recovery pie and have still more to eat (literally and figuratively) towards total recovery, but I have great faith and expectations within me that I will get there soon!

As I reflected back to the tiny accomplishments I’ve made, it has hit me that the worst is over. Why? Because every ED challenge is getting easier and easier for me to face and conquer. I can’t believe I took so freaking long to do this. Because really…recovery is not impossible. It sounds impossible, and it certainly feels impossible, but once you make that giant leap, things just get easier from then on.

Recovery is a lot like running. It is always the first step that is the hardest. That little initial push takes lots of effort, but from then on, your body automatically just gets into the rhythm of it. Habits are hard to break, but when you continuously and persistently defy it, it will crumble, and you start to form a new positive habit.

It’s all about that first step. How far are you willing to go? The bigger the first step, the easier and less steps there are left. So why not start now? Why not start big? Why not bite the bullet, and rip that band aid off instead of peeling it off painfully and slowly?

Recovery has a lot of uncomfortable parts to it: the awkward weight gain, the constant bloating, the continuous struggle to do what is so unnatural and scary to me. But no pain, no gain. And the gain is definitely worth it: Unrestrained, refreshing freedom.

Yesterday, I once again marveled at how much liberty I gained just from the few challenges I’ve conquered in my recovery. I went out with my friends for a trip around Washington, D.C: without a single plan, without knowing what time or where we’ll be dining. Just…throwing all strict planning and schedules into the air, I just tagged along my friends. And enjoyed the hell out of myself.

We walked around the Botanic Gardens, and at first I just pretended to be interested in those yawn-inducing ugly plants, but very soon my friends’ enthusiasm affected me and I became one of those nature-nerds, exclaiming at every cactus and green moss, taking pictures of my favorite flowers and plants.
The orchid, the national flower of Singapore.
And of course, being a foodie, I was most interested in edible plants. The Garden had a display of different spices and herbs for us to smell:
Saffron, the most expensive spice in the world, which I have not had the pleasure of tasting yet…
Oh, who can resist the lovely fragrance of vanilla?

And my favorite smell:
I don’t know why, but I adore the odor of horse manure. I know, I’m a freak!

We also walked by the Reflecting Pool, enjoying the cool breeze and doing some camera-whoring. It was altogether a relaxing, fun day, and it did me a lot of good to get out of the house and have a change from my usual daily schedule and perfunctory timetable.

Come dinnertime, we set off to Dupont Circle to meet two more of our friends for dinner. At that time we were still undecided on where to dine, and I admit I did get a bit anxious. However my only opinion on the restaurant location was, “Anywhere but Asian.”

Thankfully, the only Asian restaurant around that area was this shady Chinese restaurant called “The Shining Lights” or something, and it was sketchily located next to…an adult toy shop (xxx-rated!), so thankfully we skipped right along that and settled on a nice-looking Italian restaurant that seemed to attract quite a lot of customers:
Sette Osteria. I have no idea what the name means, but the place looks bright and good! What’s more, the everything on the menu looked damn good:
The waiter was a young guy named Philip with white-blonde hair, and he did a great job recommending a few of the dishes to us. I had to interrupt a few times to explain what the ingredients were to my non-foodie friends, though. Anyone ever feel like a walking food-dictionary when you’re out with non-foodie friends too?

Anyway, while we took about 30 minutes to decide what to eat (poor poor waiter), the waiter refilled our bread three times:
Warm-grilled flatbread. It was crispy and thin, and I loved the charred marks on top. I think it may be the leftover dough from their pizza, but no matter, it was good.

Finally we decided on our menu, and the food came shortly after. Allen ordered the Contadina Pizza:
Smoked mozzarella, eggplants, roasted bell peppers, onions, and (self-added) sausages

I recommended the Cacio e Pepe for my friend Elsa:
Paccheri Pasta with pecorino cheese, parmigiano, and freshly ground black pepper
I’ve never seen such interesting noodles before! But where’s the cheese? It was delicious though, even after Elsa doused 1/2 a cup of balsamic vinegar all over it (–___-;;;).

Another fantastic dish I recommended to my friend Lillian:
Ravioli della Notta
Home made ravioli filled with pumpkin and amaretti with sage and butter sauce

How small the portion is! But Lillian was kind enough to share a whole piece of ravioli with me, and oh my god, it was delicious! Though I did not care for the overly-rich butter sauce…
Joyce ordered the Spaghetti alle Vongole:
Spaghetti with olive oil, garlic, and baby clams. She asked for no cheese, because she’s crazy. No cheese? Yawn.

Amy ordered the most expensive dish in the menu, the risotto of the day:
Primavera risotto with pan-fried sea bass. This was freaking gorgeous and delicious! Yum!

And guess what I ordered? No, just guess!
Gnocchi, of course! Or Gnocchi alla Sorrentina, to be exact.
Homemade gnocchi, with fresh tomatoes, mozzarella, and basil

I’ve gotta be biased here, but mine was definitely the best.
The gnocchi was definitely hand-made, because it was cut into uneven pieces, which made it pleasantly “rustic” to me. So freaking good. Each bite was cheesy, yet not too creamy because of the acid from the fresh tomatoes.

Oh, but that was not all. Right after our satisfying dinner, we trudged off for dessert:
Anyone know Mr. Yogato? Whoever he is, I wanna force him to marry me.

Can you believe it’s my first time trying frozen yogurt? Oh my God, what has taken me so freaking long to enjoy this delicious treat? We got two huge cups to share:
Tangy Original froyo with mango

And a mix of Fidberry froyo and Tangy Original froyo with strawberries:
Yum! Yum!

And guess what? I no longer have to go out of my way to D.C. to get good frozen yogurt…

I’m going to California tomorrow!!!!

Early tomorrow morning, I’ll be flying over to Los Angeles for college orientation. When Orientation ends on Wednesday, I’ll be driving up to San Leandro to meet my cousin who is studying as an international student in San Francisco. I can hardly wait! I am so excited, even my butt is quivering on its seat. YES!

But you know what’s the best thing about this? I have not even one ounce of apprehension or fear inside me towards the upcoming trip, in which my mealtimes will be irregular and out of my hands, and in which a lot of “less healthy” food are most likely waiting for me.

I love it. I love this ripple of joyful excitement and liberation streaming out of me. I love not caring about preparing my own “safe” foods, or worrying about erratic mealtimes, or obsessing over what the heck I’ll be eating. I’ve missed traveling, I’ve missed this surge of adventurous spirit in me that has been dormant for so long.

Welcome back, ME, and adios, for my upcoming California trip! Wish me luck, my friends! And I’ll see you in California, preferably with frozen yogurt smears around my mouth!

Question of the day: Okay, so for our dinner last night, we all payed our separate tips, and I gave my waiter a 30% tip because:
1) We made him wait like an hour long waiting for our friends to arrive AND choosing our dishes and
2) We asked him TONS of questions which he answered patiently and
3) He refilled our bread basket like 3 times and
4) We made him go ask the bartender about the price of a personalized drink and didn’t order it.
Doesn’t that at least warrant a 25% tip?  How much do you usually tip your waiter, especially with better service like this?

P.S. Check out Traveleatlove’s giveaway! (Not telling what it is, go check it out yourself!)

Screaming till I’m red, white and blue

*Warning…Slightly negative post ahead…*

I had a brawl with my parents this afternoon…over the very sensitive issue of my weight gain. You see, these days, my weight has been pretty stagnant. My weight gain seems to have hit a plateau, and though I have not lost pounds, I have barely gained any either.

As the day which I have to attend college draws near, my parents are getting more and more anxious. They have expected my weight to be increasing exponentially, and don’t understand why it has stopped. They are starting to point fingers at me, accusing me of controlling my weight and hinting that my mindset has not changed at all, that I am still the same anorexic as before. They literally want me to gain 5-10 lbs a week.

They just…don’t get it. They don’t get how difficult it is to physically gain the weight. Scientifically, recovering anorexics need tons of calories to gain a couple pounds a week. And now I’m at the point where I‘m almost constantly eating, and 24 hours in a day just doesn’t seem enough. The contradicting thing is, my parents think my constant eating isn’t normal either. They want me to just have three square meals a day, like a normal person.

I tried explaining, but they still don’t understand. Nobody seems to understand. What hurts me most is that they seem to disregard the changes I did make. Obviously I’m not 100% recovered yet, but god-damned it…I’m trying. I really am trying. But then, inside me, that nagging, prickling accusation: Am I really? Am I really giving all I’ve got towards this fight?

Later when my parents were out of the house, I just belted it out. I stamped and crushed my entire body onto the floor and screamed my lungs out, letting out screeching wails of passionate frustration and vehement fury. I took a shower to calm myself down, but my tears just kept on flowing along with the rushing water.

It was the first in many years since I have felt such a bursting torrent of raw emotions: anger, exasperation, disappointment, and condemnation at both me and my parents. During the four years of my ED, I had become rather numb. I was stoic like stone, devoid of any emotions other than anxiety over food and weight. But today…all the pent-up emotions in me seemed to flood out like a broken dam. And it felt rather good.

I’ve calmed down a bit now, after recollecting myself and praying to God. Listening to praise songs…that’s the best way to quieten my troubled spirits.

And as I think about it…I feel I really need to humble myself. A few pounds gained is not total recovery at all. I still have many hurdles to leap over, many snakes to trample. There are definitely some areas in my life that comes clear to me that I need to change. And I will, I will work towards that.

I’m still slightly pissed at my parents, but I know there isn’t anybody else in the world who cares for me as much as they do. I have yet to lose anything from listening to their wise and loving advices. Their words certainly hurt and were rather insensitive, but they too are human, and were speaking out of real worry and love for me, for which I am grateful.

Thank you…for listening to me. I hope this didn’t put a damper onto your July 4th celebration.

I guess I ought to share my July 4th burger, though. Here’s my attempted version to celebrate the red, white, and blue:

Red, White and Blue Burger

The red: Meat

• 1/3 pound 85% lean ground beef
• about 2 tablespoons minced sweet Vidalia onion
• about 2 tablespoons chopped chives
• shot of Worcestershire sauce
• dash of onion powder
• salt, pepper
• small bit of brown sugar

The blue (and red): Blue and Red Simmered Onions

• 1/2 onion, sliced
• chicken broth
• handful of fresh blueberries
• dash of Balsamic vinegar
• 1 tablespoon raspberry preserves
• salt and pepper

The white: Cheese

• handful feta cheese, crumbled

For the meat, just mix everything together and form into a thick round patty.

For the red and blue simmered onions, cook the sliced onions in a bit of chicken broth in a frying pan. Let the liquid boil and simmer, slowly cooking the onions, and let the liquid boil out. Stir in the blueberries, and balsamic vinegar to taste, then add a bit more chicken broth. Continue simmering and adding more broth until the onions become sort of caramelizes and the liquid is thick and sticky. Stir in the raspberry preserves, and season with salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, cook the burger. I don’t have a grill, so I used a skillet. At the same time, toast a hamburger bun.

Now, for the grand finale: Slide the cooked burger on top of a bun, top with feta cheese, then the onions. And now, you’re in for a treat!

Oh what a big burger I have!

The onions were the highlight: tangy, slightly acidic, with a hint of sweetness, they are far superior over any pickle in the world!

This thing was huge. But even larger in flavor.

Just about every bite was juicy and popping in my mouth.

I had to really work to stretch out my jaws with this one! I finally just decided to be civilized and got a fork:
Yummy!

Okay, add food to do the list of things that cheer me up. Praise songs, prayer, and food. Hee.

Well, I hope you guys had a much cheerier July 4th than me! And once again, thanks for listening to my little depressing post!

Question of the day: When you’re upset, how do you react? Do you stuff it inside, or pent it out? What calms you down most?