“They” vs. Me

You can see it in their faces. You can see it in the way they excitedly drag their luggage, you can feel it in the extra bounce in their steps, you can hear it in their high-pitched voices. All the students are preparing to return home for the winter break, and they just cannot wait to be back home.

But I have a confession. I’m not looking forward to going back home at all. In fact, at one point…I was dreading it.

Don’t get me wrong—I can’t wait to see my family, my friends, my dear church members…But at the same time, I don’t want to be seen by them. Because I’ll no longer just be Sophia Lee, college student. I’ll be Sophia Lee, the Anorexic pastor’s daughter.

It’s tough being a pastor’s kid. You’re always on the pedestal. Inevitably, the pastor (my dad) will mention me in his sermons, which will then be downloaded into the internet and spread worldwide. Inevitably, people will be staring at me, observing me and noticing whatever weight I have gained, whatever I’m eating, etc. Inevitably, there will be people coming up to me to tell me they are “praying against the devil within” me. Inevitably, I will feel like I’m still an Anorexic.

I guess I can’t blame them. It is normal that people would expect certain things out of a pastor’s daughter, particularly great pastor like my dad. And in truth, these people in church have been absolute angels. Except for a few individuals who used me to attack my dad, they have been praying for me and encouraging me all throughout my four years of struggling with this vicious disease.

But that’s precisely the point…I always get this nagging feeling that they’re expecting something from me. Their love and attention on me feels like wet cement dripping on my shoulders. The more they shower attention on me, the more that cement molds itself around me, and as it dries, imprisons me into a statue of clay. I feel like I have to conform myself to whatever they expect me to be. And oh, dear God, I feel so damn stifled!

At least, this is what I’ve been telling God all week. I have no one else to turn to, and He’s the only one who truly understands. So I’ve been bitching and moaning about all the pressures “they” are putting on me. And then, God shut me up by asking me a simple question: “Who is this they you keep mentioning?”

Hm. Good question. Who is “they”?

Honestly, I can’t pinpoint one person who makes me feel this way. When I think about each individual, all I can remember is the exact details of how much they cared for me.

And that’s when I realized— that “they”? It’s me. I’m the one who is confining and oppressing myself. I’m the one who’s working myself up with anxiety and stress. I’m the one who keeps feeling like I should do this, I should do that.

Social pressures? It’s really all from the inside. It’s all about the point of view, and a sense of belonging.

I guess I’ve never really felt like I belonged there. In my eyes, I was the sick patient, and they were the ones who looked at me with pity. I was the odd one out, the emaciated girl who looked like a monster. And I certainly felt like a monster. I was incredibly insecure, and these insecurities fed on every single action and speech that others made by twisting them into a skewed perception.

Well, it’s time to break that cycle of insecurities and negative perceptions. I refuse to go back home with my head bowed low and my eyes shifting around suspiciously, almost actively seeking out things that will prove my insecurities right.

No, I’m going to smile. I’m going to laugh. I’m going to exude confidence. Of course, as a pastor’s daughter with a rather scandalous past, I won’t be able to entirely avoid the gaze of others, but you know what? I’ll just show myself off as a living testimony of God’s grace. Look at me, everybody! Look what God did for me! I may be weak and flawed, but God deemed me worthy enough to heal me! If I have to endure a bit of unwanted attention to manifest God’s amazing power and love, so be it!

And honestly—I think I better get used to that attention, because I am pretty freaking amazing like that.
I mean, my brain just astounds me how brilliant it is! I’ve been trying to use up all the bits and scraps leftover in my fridge and pantry before I left town, and boy I came up with some pretty darn good creations!

So indulge me and pretend this is the best creation ever:

Sweet Potatoes Stewed in Coconut Milk and Peanut Butter

• 1 tsp olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 onion, diced
• 1 big-ass sweet potato, chopped into 1-inch chunks
• about 1 cup coconut milk, maybe more
• 2 spoonfuls crunchy peanut butter
• balsamic vinegar (about 1 tablespoon?)
• lime juice (optional)
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• pinch garam marsala
• salt and pepper
• handful raisins
• 2 slices provolone cheese, diced

In a pot, fry up the garlic and onion, until fragrant and slightly softened. Toss in the sweet potato. Stir to mix, then pour in the coconut milk with all the rest of the ingredients except the raisins and cheese.
Bring the mixture to a boil, and then cover and simmer for about 20 minutes until the sweet potato is cooked through and the sauce is reduced. Stir in the raisins.

Transfer the stewed sweet potato into a dish, and top with provolone cheese. Serve!
I admit, it’s rather monotone in color. I would have added some sprinkle of chopped green onions, but I had none. Spinach would also have been nice, but I also had none of that.
Still, the taste was incredible. I mean, you’ve got it all…sweet potatoes, coconut milk, and peanut butter. You never would have thought so, but the combination works. It freaking works!
How should I describe the taste? It’s rich. It’s sensuous. It’s sweet, yet nutty and spicy at the same time. The only alteration I’ll make for next time is adding a squeeze of lime juice. It just needed a bit more acid in there.
And I loved the crunchy peanut butter in there, which added bits of chopped peanuts. I suppose you can add your own.
And ooey, gooey cheese. Mmm. I almost put an egg on top, but I used the egg for another dish (recipe to come!).
All hail to Sophia, Queen of Crazy Dishes!
I think I’ve done enough self-praising. Now it’s your turn. Haha, just kidding! But you know what? It feels nice to be able to let loose a little, and even poke fun at myself. I take myself too seriously sometimes!

Anyway. In about 12 hours, I’ll be flying back home to Virginia…See you in the East Coast!

Question of the day: Do you feel any social pressures, especially during this holiday season? How do you overcome that?

How I Fuel My Freaking Amazing Brain

Wow. I had no idea my last post would generate such passionate responses. I have to say, I really enjoyed reading each and every of your comments, whether you agreed with me or not. Some made me laugh out loud, some made me nod vigorously in agreement, some made me reconsider what I wrote, some made me think deeper into the subject.

Despite what I said about the blog world reminding me a lot like high school, I think the key thing that distinguishes our blogging community from the high school cliques is the fact that we have an instantaneous, open, and uncensored discussion.

I love that. Because it reminds me that despite the trends and the labels I mentioned, we are all unique with individual, original thoughts and opinions. So thanks, guys! Thanks for contributing and providing such a lively, interesting debate!

However, I’d like to emphasize that I was not condemning anyone in any way. What I wrote on my last post was just an observation. Obviously, I’m not saying that you have to do everything different from everyone else. And I’m not saying that following some of those blog fads are a bad thing, as I specifically mentioned on my last post. Plus, I’m sure some of you liked those things way before it even became “in”.

I also mentioned a few of my own personal “blasphemies” not because I think it’s wrong to like chia seeds or Larabars, but to suggest that it is okay to disagree with them and branch out! I may not like froyo anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna persecute you for loving froyo! I mean, I love kabocha and cheese, but that also doesn’t mean I expect everyone to love them, too.

That said, I’m sorry if I sounded accusing or judgmental. I’ve always been a bit of an extremist, so that shows in my words, too. If you like liquefied kale, that’s okay. We can still be friends.

Okay. Now that we’ve tied up some loose ends, I’ve got exciting news to share: My last final exam is TODAY! In just a few hours, I’ll be done for this semester! This calls for a celebration, so after that, I’m going out for sushi with Mimi and Kathryn! Can’t wait! >.<

Meanwhile, there’s been some random pictures stored in my camera, and they’re in need of a massive clean-up. So these are just some random snacks and eats I’ve been munching on to fuel up during the past week of final exam preparations…Get ready for an influx of pictures!  

Right, let’s see what brain fuel I had…

 Free Chick-fil-a sandwich!
They were handing these out on campus, and I gleefully snagged one home. Hey, when you’re a college student, you take free food wherever you can get!
Hm. I wasn’t impressed. This was one boring sandwich; just a breaded and fried chicken filet between a limpy bun. Blah. I ended up dumping a lot of hot sauce in it.

Oh, and shocking news…I’ve decided I rather like chocolate after all!
But just mild milk chocolate, preferably with something like nuts included. I still can’t really do dark chocolate. And I’m loving the S’mores edition goldfish graham crackers! Anyone tried those yet?

More chocolate:
I think chocolate candy bars may be the best brain fuel ever. It’s instant energy, and during the next couple of hours, I manage to have intense concentration in my work. The problem is, after that two hours, I crash. That’s why I try to avoid excessive sugar if I can.

By the way, this is now currently my favorite sandwich:
 Smoked ham, brie cheese, tomatoes, honey-mustard, salad greens, cottage cheese in whole-wheat pita.
 Grilled like this:
Yum. I never get tired of this combination.

I’ve also been befriending my buddy, Carl’s Jr:
I usually get the Teriyaki burger, but I tried the Western Bacon Cheeseburger for something new:
Charbroiled All-Beef Patty, Two Strips of Bacon, Melted American Cheese, Two Crispy Onion Rings and Tangy BBQ Sauce on a Toasted Sesame Seed Bun.

The problem with this burger is that the bacon is pretty pathetic.
And I’m not sure I understand the onion rings in there. Don’t they know the point of onion rings is for its crispy exterior? These just turned rather soggy in the burger. Ah, well. It was still delicious.

At some point I also had fries:

Because sometimes you just need the grease.

I also finished off the last of my Man Bait lollipops:
 

Maple-Bacon Lollipop! Yes, that’s right! You can actually see the real bits of bacon in it:
It was the best lollipop I ever had. How can you go wrong with bacon?

I also got bored pretending to study so I took some random pictures of myself:
I look so serious. Pretty ridiculous, considering that I’ve got a lollipop stuck in my mouth.
Exam period sucks.

Anyway. Ever since Christina sent me those roasted plantain chips from Trader Joes, I just can’t seem to get enough! But since I don’t have access to Trader Joes, I decided to roast my own:
Just buy some half-ripe plantains, peel and slice them up, spray them with oil, and bake them in a 350 degree oven until nice and crunchy, and then sprinkle with salt:
Not bad! These are too addicting, though. I just can’t stop eating them! But I think they are more nutritious than regular potato chips…am I right?
Okay, is it lunch time yet? Did I mention that I haven’t had sushi in 4 years? I am so freaking excited! Ah, how will I ever concentrate during exams?

Which reminds me, I really need to get going…so until we meet again…exam-free!!!

Question of the day: What is your favorite brain fuel?

[Edited to add] I did not get my sushi fix today. Poor Kathryn had a nasty tummyache! Hope you’re all right now, Kat!

I Have No Life

WordPress isn’t a bitch anymore!

Phew. What a scare. What a total nightmare. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve last blogged. In truth, it’s only been…3 days?! Huh? How can this be? Man…I really need to get a life.

As I stared into the Spinning Circle of Doom (Mac-users will know what I’m talking about), I was in a daze. I didn’t know what to do, and I was freaking bored. I couldn’t blog, nor could I read blogs. So I tried to recall back what I used to do when I had the whole night to myself.

I was never a party girl. Heck, I’ve never even been to a “real” party in the sense of booze and dancing. I’m a horrible, awkward dancer (all limbs and jutting bones), I hate alcochol, and loud music makes my head pound. Naturally, I stay away from parties.

I didn’t feel like preparing for my final exams. I’d already spent 2 hours that day preparing for them, and that is more studying than I’ve ever done in a day.

I briefly considered going out for a stroll, but it was freaking cold outside and I was already freezing in my little no-heat room.

I wondered if there was any good books to read, but my school library only stocks boring, dusty, research tomes.

I wanted to call my parents so we can talk about my favorite subject (ME), but they were in freaking China. Besides, the time difference between LA and the East coast probably meant they would have been deep in sleep anyway. Not that they would care if I woke them up. They’re always ready to talk about me. Always.

Anyway. Back to point: I just didn’t know how to entertain myself without blogging. So I looked across at my roommate, who was chuckling and giggling like a schoolgirl. Hey, she looked like she’s having fun! I snuck a look at what she was doing. She was viewing some Korean drama on the YouTube.

And then I remembered. I used to love watching TV shows and movies. So I signed my soul away to Netflix. And now, I’m hooked.

Freaking bad idea, Sophia. Getting obsessed with TV shows in the middle of freaking exam week?! Way to go.

Well…at least, I’ve re-discovered my appreciation for good screenwriting. For some reason, I’ve never really watched movies or TV shows without constantly wondering about all the writing that takes place behind all the scenes. It’s fascinating how these writers come up with all these interesting plots, realistic characters, and witty dialogues. I love the idea of how they play God…they create characters, they create settings, they determine their actions, speech, thoughts, and fate.

But thank you, God, for not being one of those screenwriters…Wouldn’t you hate for your life to be toyed around like those characters? At least I can trust my life in God’s hands, that He has a genuine purpose and definite plan in it. You can bet He won’t be throwing dramatic twists and turns into your life just out of whim or for entertainment’s sake.

Anyway. Looks like I’ve got yet another vice to tackle as a college student. What with the TV show-addiction and blogging-addiction, it’s a wonder I can get anything done. Oh, and I still don’t have a life.

I still make good food, though. In fact, sad to say, making creative and delicious meals may be the highlight of my day. At least, when I die, people can say, “She made interesting food.”

Enough rambling. I still have some leftover turkey left (and still edible, don’t worry), so I decided to use them for a totally unexpected dish. Check this out:

Twice-Baked Sweet Potato with Kimchi and Leftover Turkey

• 1 huge-ass sweet potato
• 1/3 cup chopped kimchi
• carved leftover turkey, diced
• 1/4 cup raisins
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 1/2 cup Cabot Cheese Vintage cheddar, shredded
• 1 stalk green onion, chopped

Bake the sweet potato in a 350 degree oven until cooked through, about 30-40 minutes. Slice the top and scoop out the flesh into a bowl.

Meanwhile, stir-fry the kimchi with the turkey:
Once cooked through, toss in the raisins:
Then mix the kimchi-turkey mixture with the sweet potato flesh, cottage cheese, and half of the cheddar cheese:
Scoop it back into the sweet potato shell, top with more cheese and green onions:
Bake in the oven for about 10 minutes more until cheese is melted…
 And there you have it! A twist on leftover turkey, a twist on the typical twice-baked potato, a twist on kimchi-usage. 
  I don’t know why you don’t see this combination more often, but raisins somehow go so perfectly well with kimchi. It’s just that combination of sour-spicy and sweet-tartness that blends amazingly into a symphony of flavors…
I can wax poetics about the flavors, but I’ve got better things to do than compose poems about my lunch.
I feel like I’m gonna be thanking Biz on every post…but thank you, Biz, once again, for the amazing cheese!
You may wonder why I didn’t use any seasonings like salt, garlic, or pepper on this. Well, kimchi itself is seasoning enough. It’s got enough garlic to ward off a vampire. You don’t call us “Kimchi-breath” for nothing.
But here’s a trick: Chocolate works wonders on bad breaths.

But generally, I try to have kimchi on days when I have no social activities. Hm. Maybe this is why I have no life.

Question of the day: Besides blogging, what do you do to keep yourself entertained?

Oh My Cheese!

A reader left a comment on my last post about letting go of everything eating disordered:

“Well, you still do drink diet coke, and you’re not even diabetic. Isn’t that still part of ED behavoiior?”

Whoops. Busted!

Yup, I still do drink diet soda, and I’ve never been secretive about that fact. Yeah, yeah, how could I, it’s so unhealthy, all that artificial sweeteners, blah blah blah.

First of all, let me make it clear that I have never said I’m totally recovered yet. Yes, I still have my vices. I still have things to work on. I still have instinctual thoughts and behaviors that are very much part of my eating disorder. I guess I didn’t make myself clear enough, but when I said to make a “complete turnover”, I realize that it is quite impossible to make that change all at once. I’m still in the progress of losing each smudge and traces of ED, but I have no doubt that one day, I will make it. I want to destroy every part of ED inside of me. Time will tell.

Taylor from Joy of Food wrote something with which I agreed:

“I think it can be hard to know for sure you’re recovered, until many many years later……So does that mean I’m not fully recovered? Who knows, all I know for sure is I’m happy, healthy and ED can get lost. ”

Tee hee hee! I love that mentality. In a way, recovery itself can be a major stress factor if we’re going to continue debating over whether this or that is truly ED or not, etc. We just have to keep in mind the ultimate goal: To be happy, to be healthy, and to tell ED to f**k off (I wish smileys had a middle-finger).

On that note, let me share my “excuse” for why I drink diet soda: I’ve always drunk diet coke, even way before my ED. Why? Because for some goddamn reason, I thought it was the “cool” thing to do.

Don’t laugh! When I first started drinking diet soda, I was 11, and it was a new thing in Singapore. I had no idea what “diet” or “light” meant. Calories meant nothing to me. In fact, I didn’t even know about calories until I moved to America. But a lot of the older women I admired drank diet soda. In the commercials, the sexy women drank diet soda. Thus, I thought diet soda must be the sexier version of regular soda. And I’ve been drinking diet soda ever since. Now, I’m just used to that taste of aspartame, and regular coke tastes weird to me.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let me share some frighteningly good news. I RECEIVED MY CABOT CHEESE! I won more than 4 lbs of cheese from Biz’s giveaway, and I had been impatiently waiting for it for more than a month! 
Oh, what a thing of beauty! Oh my Lord! Oh Lordie!

An assortment of cheddar and pepper jack cheeses:
 50% cheddar, 75% cheddar, and 50% pepper jack.

But the most exciting thing was this hunky baby:
 Extra sharp VINTAGE cheddar cheese…aged a minimum of 2 years!!!
I can’t believe I received a whole brick of this amazing thing! I was ecstatic! I nibbled on it right away, and the taste was fan-freakin-tastic!
I knew I had to come up with a recipe worthy of this lovely cheese. I turned to something else kind of vintage:
 Leftover carved turkey. Not from Thanksgiving (I already ate them all), but snitched from the dining hall (Shhhh…). Anyway, I hope this dish did the cheese justice:

Leftover Turkey Enchilada with Fruits and White Cheddar

• 3 corn tortillas
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/4 red onion, diced
• 1 slice turkey, diced
• 1/2 Granny smith apple, diced
• small handful raisins
• 1/4 cup almond milk
• 1 mini-bottle of pear, honey, and ginger preserves
• Mango-Habanera salsa
• 1/2 cup shredded white cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 2 stalks green onion, chopped

Cook the garlic and red onion, then toss in the turkey dices, apple, and raisins. Pour in the almond milk and preserves, then spoon in some salsa, tasting as you go. Cook until the fruit is soft but not mushy. Then mix in the cottage cheese and with half of the cheddar cheese and chopped green onions.

Meanwhile, heat up the 3 corn tortillas on top of a skillet. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Spoon the filling into each tortilla and roll it up, making sure to leave some for topping. Assemble them into a baking dish. Top with leftover filling, and sprinkle with the rest of the cheddar cheese and green onions:
Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the tortillas are crispy and the cheese on top is melted. Ta-da!
This is the second time I’ve made “enchiladas”! Of course they’re not the traditional kind, but these are good, too!
The pear, honey, and ginger preserves I used was from the swag bag from the Foodbuzz Festival, from a company called Quince & Apple:
It was a tiny bottle. I was sad to see it all gone in one day. But it was freaking worth it!

The salsa I used was yet another sample from the Foodbuzz Festival:
 Big Orson’s Mango-Habarnaro Salsa. Hot. Sweet. I like!

I’m sure you can substitute any other preserves or salsa you feel like, as long as it’s kind of fruity.

For the cheese, I just used the good ol’ hand-grater to grate my precious vintage cheddar cheese:
This dish was mildly sweet, but spicy and cheesy and tangy at the same time. It was perfect. Of course, I think everything I cook is perfect.
  But come on. This thing was perfection.
Turkey tastes so much better with some kind of fruity sauce. And cheese, of course.
I love how the tortilla gets all crunchy in the end:

And the melted cheese all over:
Fantastic. Perfectly filling, too. Please, if you’ve got any leftover turkey, make this dish. Your tummy will kiss you.

I still have some leftover turkey. I can’t wait to experiment more with it!

Question of the day: What did you do with your leftover turkey? If you were me, what would you do with all that cheese?

To You

You do the math: Thanksgiving + ridiculously early “dinner” + big-ass turkey + too many desserts + amazing people + big container of leftovers for midnight “snack” = ??

A freaking enjoyable night, but the worst food coma the next day after. I was groggy all day today, and only climbed out of bed when it was 1 pm. Oh well. It was all worth it…t’was the best Thanksgiving dinner I’ve ever had!

Actually, that was my first Thanksgiving, and I’m now a bit miffed that I had been denied a true Thanksgiving dinner for 21 years of my life. You see, I’m Asian (sorry to bring in the race card), and we just don’t celebrate Thanksgiving the way Americans do. For the past Thanksgivings in my life, I’ve been forced to choke down fried rice and chow mein and sweet-and-sour pork. Oh boy.

However, even with the horrible Thanksgiving food, one thing I’ve never ever been denied was wonderful, beautiful company. I’m so blessed…wherever I go, I seem to be constantly surrounded by people whom I really love, people who care about me, and people who I know for certain that God placed in my life. Oh, praise the Lord!

So. This post is dedicated to all the great people who stuck by me throughout all these years, and especially to all the new friends I’ve made in the past 11 months.

To my family: Thank you…for always loving me, no matter how flawed and terrible I’ve been. I would not be who I am without you.

To my church brothers and sisters in Virginia: Thank you…for always praying for me, always having faith in me, and rejoicing with me in my triumphs and joys.

To my church brothers and sisters in Singapore: Thank you…for helping me find laughter again, for encouraging me to challenge myself and eventually watching my daily progress in recovery. The 5 months I’ve spent with you was a turning point in my life.

To my best friends: Thank you…for not forgetting about me, even though I’ve tried to push you away. Thank you for treating me like a normal person, for viewing me and reminding me of who I am, without the ED stigma. Thank you for not forsaking me.

To my new friends in USC: Thank you…for breathing  life into me again as I live a new, restored life as a normal college student. Thank you for all the joys, laughter, and delight you’ve brought to me. I look forward to many more stories we’ll share together.

To my blog friends: Thank you…for reading, even though at times I’ve been grumpy and bitchy. Thank you for being there for me, always ready with warm words of comfort, advice, and support. Thank you for keeping me on track, for touching me with the wonder that it is possible to form such beautiful relationships even through the faceless communication of the Internet. You guys have restored my faith in humanity…that people really are beautiful.

To God: Dear Lord…You already know deep into the depths of my heart. Tears and words cannot express how much I love and thank you. You are the reason that I live, and I cannot repay you for all the grace you’ve bestowed upon me…except to give my all to you. Dear God, please accept my very being, and shape it into yours.

And lastly: Thanks to Elda, David, Renee, Ben, and Jane for cooking  my first Thanksgiving dinner ever (though they are included in the “new friends in USC” category)!!!

In lieu of the special occasion, I donned my favorite socks:
And boy, oh boy…there was so. much. freaking. food. My head was swimming and I didn’t know which one to dig into first! But first, let me share the decorations they did for the dining room:
Very, very cool. Simple, yet classy and elegant.
  I especially loved how they had little name cards. Makes me feel special to see mine:
Woo-hoo! Sophia!! What a beautiful name!

And now on to food. A pretty table ain’t nothing without good food! Everyone zoomed in…
With their cameras?!! Um, I swear, they are not food bloggers…But what’s great about these people is that they’re total foodies like me!

Anyway, here’s the arrogant dish that thinks it’s centerpiece when it’s actually only good for leftovers:
The 17-lb turkey, plucked, roasted, and exposed for our gastronomical pleasure.

Then ham:
 Home-roasted. Sweet, yet intensely meaty.

Stuffing:
 Apples, French bread, walnuts, cranberries. It was freaking amazing. I went back for seconds and thirds. Hands down, my favorite dish of the night!
 4-Cheese Mac & Cheese:
With Parmesan cheese, white cheddar, gorgonzola, and goat cheese. Say what? All my favorite cheeses in one dish?  I went for seconds and thirds again. Definitely a close favorite!
Candied yams:
Honestly, I did not think I would like this at all because it would be too sweet for me, so I only took a tiny bit. But it turned out pretty good. Good enough for seconds!
 Mashed potatoes:
Damn it, my mashed potatoes never turned out this good!
The most freaking amazing cranberry sauce:
Homemade, with fresh cranberries, orange rind, apple cider, liquer, and…Whatever. I can’t remember, but it sure saved the boring turkey!

Also, fresh-baked cheese and herb biscuits:
Light, buttery, flaky, cheesy. What’s not to love?
 After that superfluous dinner, everyone wobbled to the living room to sing some praise songs together, because who best to thank on Thanksgiving than God, right?
La la la la~
 Tra la la la~
These guys are wondering, “When the heck is dessert time?” I can just read it in their heads!
I know I was!

And then it was dessert time!

Somehow, an Asian dish slipped into the mix:
 Korean rice cakes. But that’s okay, at least it wasn’t fortune cookies.

The quintessential pumpkin pie:
 Pumpkin bread!!
And banana pudding:
Embarrassed to say, but I was most enamored by the banana pudding, which turned out to be the least homemade dessert (pudding mix and Cool Whip). A true Gourmand I am not!

For this pecan pie, we stuck a candle into it:
  And we sang another song, this time a birthday song, because it was this little fella’s first birthday:
  How cool is it that his birthday is on Thanksgiving? The look on his face seems to indicate that he doesn’t know what the hell is going on though. Tee hee!

Eggnog was passed around…
…and we were divided into “Love-it” and “Hate-it” camps. I’m in the “hate-it” camp. Yeck. Too sickening rich…it’s like drinking custard that someone puked out.

It’s amazing how much you can stuff into your stomach if you put your heart into it. Here’s Renee, not afraid to chow down some more:

She is so pretty. And huggable. I love her!

After dessert we settled down, nursing our food babies…
And real babies…
And we talked some more. I loved this group of people. I didn’t know half the people here, but we were an interesting, ecelectic mix from all over the world: Nepal, Kazakhstan, India, Singapore (me), Taiwan, Korea, Romania…
Can you tell who is from where? No matter…we are all beautiful!

The baby started sleeping…
…and thus it was time to leave.

I had the most wonderful, heart-warming night. Thanksgiving rocks. It’s now officially my favorite holiday ever. Hopefully my next Thanksgiving will be “kung-pao chicken”-less as well!

Question of the day: What is your favorite Thanksgiving dish? Do you have a non-traditional Thanksgiving tradition?

Oh, and Egg-nog: Love it or hate it?

Wishing For Dreams Come True…

I hate sleep. There. I said it.

I don’t get people like my brother, who crawls into bed for a “sweet nap” whenever he’s bored. If I’m bored, I damn well wouldn’t be sleeping. Wait—that doesn’t matter, because I’m never bored. I always seem to have something to do.

And that’s precisely why I detest sleep. Because it is just a waste of time. 24 hours in a day is already not enough…so why would I want to be motionless with my eyes closed for hours when there are so many freaking things to do? But unfortunately, God designed humans so that we need to take a rest for 7-8 hours a day. If anybody knows why He did that, please enlighten me. I would really like to know.

That said, I have been sleeping 8 full hours for consecutive days. It’s a miracle! I usually get only 5 hours a sleep. Strangely, that has not messed up my productivity time. I still got things done. I still manage to have time to slip in a movie at night, and perhaps some blogging. So what does this say? Perhaps I’ve been sacrificing sleep for nothing. I need to experiment on this more…

Part of the reason why I’ve been able to sleep so much is because I’ve been dreaming a lot. Strange, but good dreams:

Yesterday, I dreamed that one of my friends who is struggling with an eating disorder called me up asking me to eat a Wendy’s burger with her.

Another day, I dreamed that I got a 99% on my final essay for my writing class (what bullshit)

I also dreamed that I became best friends with a popular blogger (not telling who) and she taught me how to hip-hop dance.

Sigh. If only all these dreams were true…

But I suppose that’s precisely why they are called dreams. They are wistful wishes that come true without any effort from our part. You know, I’ve always been a dreamer…but what do I actually do to achieve them? For example…

I wish I was a better Christian…yet I don’t communicate with God, or read His words as much as I should…

I wish I had better grades…yet I skip classes all the time, and rarely do my readings…

I wish I had more time…yet I waste a lot of the time I already have doing frivolous stuff…

That’s it! Time to stop wishing and to start actually doing something about it! I only get dreams when I’m sleeping anyway…when I’m motionless! Time to get moving, time to take action!

But first, let’s fuel myself with some food…

I have to admit, I’ve been extremely lazy these days, and I’ve been turning to the same stuff over and over, for the main reasons that 1) it’s fast and convenient;  2) it tastes good and is pretty nutritious; 3) I can get most of the ingredients from my school dining hall, which I now frequent daily like a kleptomaniac…

Anyway. Here’s what I’ve had for several days now:

Spicy-PB Vegetable and Cottage Cheese “Mix-it-up” Bowl

Base Ingredients:

• onions, diced
• bell pepper, diced
• mushrooms, diced
• zucchini, chopped
• tomatoes, diced
• bean sprouts
• kidney beans
• spinach
• Soul Food Seasoning (from Biz)

Dressing Ingredients:

• 2 spoonfuls soy sauce
• 2 spoonfuls peanut butter
• 2 spoonfuls Habanero-Lime Salsa (from Christina)
• 1/4 cup almond milk
• pinch crushed red pepper flakes

Topping Ingredients:

• 1 cup cottage cheese
• 4 yukon gold potatoes
• hot sauce

Okay, first the potatoes. I roasted them hasselback-style, by slicing numerous slits down the center of each potato, but not all the way through. And then I sprinkled them with this amazing seasoning:
 Biz, thank you SO much for this. I’m obsessed with this seasoning now. I practically sprinkle them on anything and everything!

And then roast the potatoes in 425 degree oven until cooked through:
Nice and crunchy!

For the dressing ingredients, just mix everything together until smooth.

And the base ingredients: Mix everything together with plenty of that incredible Soul Food seasoning (or just salt and pepper if you don’t have it). Cook it with the dressing.

Ladle the cooked ingredients into a dish. Top with cottage cheese and potatoes. Sprinkle with hot sauce. That’s it!
Now wasn’t that the easiest thing you’ve ever heard! Well, next to pouring cereal in a bowl, of course. But this is much better. It looks more impressive!
Everything should be topped with something golden and crunchy…
Wheee! Look at it do a back-bend! Potato doing yoga!
Creamy, crunchy, spicy, peanut buttery…mmmm…
  Now, isn’t this the perfect college student’s meal?

But on to the perfect college student’s snack…

I once said I hate bars. Okay, not just once. Several times, in fact. Well, I put my foot in my mouth, because I’ve decided that I do like bars. Love them, in fact. It just depends on what bars they are.

Perfect Foods Bar sent me two of each of the following bars:

• Carob Chip
• Peanut Butter
• Fruits & Nuts
• Cranberry Crunch (Lite)

Here’s what they say about their bars:

“Perfect Foods Bars are made from a delicious creamy blend of organic peanut butter and honey. The organic honey provides quick balanced energy and the added omega-3 “healthy fats” increase endurance. There’s also plenty of easy to digest, alkaline forming protein for immediate tissue repair. Enjoy this innovative approach to consuming over 30 different high nutrient foods not readily available in today’s fast pace society.”

Okay, peanut butter and honey. What’s not to love? Plus they’ve got 30 different high nutrient foods. But what about the taste?

Well, all I can say is: I’m not sure if Perfect Foods Bar is the perfect food, but it is the perfect bar indeed. Oh Em Gi. So. Freaking. Good.
  They just completely melt in your mouth like fudge. I store them in the fridge, so when they enter my mouth it is cold and firm, but then slowly dissolves in my tongue…a delicious blend of pure peanut butter and intense honey…
The only thing is that it isn’t mixed with all the artificial crap, so the taste is pretty strong, bold, and intense…not a bad thing at all, but you just don’t want to finish the whole bar in one sitting, or it does get rather cloying. 
 I think I’ve waxed enough poetry about Perfect Foods Bar. My conclusion is this: Larabar, bye bye. You guys really got to check this stuff out!

Another bar that I’ve really enjoyed was sent by my freaking sweet friend Natalie from Eating to Live Life After ED:
They’re called Spring Hill gourmet bars, and they were amazing. Once again, I chilled them in the fridge first. And they’re incredibly crumbly, buttery, and exactly like a shortbread cookie.

Here’s the Wildberry & Nougat one:
And the Chocolate & Oat one:
And my personal favorite, the Muesli bar:

Sorry, I don’t know where to get them here in the States. Of course. All the good stuff has to be somewhere else! Sigh. Well, we can only dream that they’ll sell them in U.S. stores someday…

Speaking of dreams…Here’s today’s question of the day:

Had any good dreams lately? Is there a dream that you are actively going to pursue instead of wishing for it to come true?

Killing You Softly…With My Words…

As a writer, I should already know too well the power of words. Oh my word. Words: they blurt out so quickly from our mouths, they type out so nonchalantly from our fingers. Sometimes they have the miraculous power to heal and uplift a person, but at other times…every single of the same word can be like a silent dagger…killing someone softly.

Murderer.

Jesus Christ said that you don’t have to actually kill someone to be a murderer. The very emotion of hatred within you, or a simple word cursing or insulting someone…that is in itself a murder.

If so…I’ve got some crimson blood stains in my hands. Because the anger and hatred inside of me…and the words I’ve uttered…they have been killing many, many people softly…silently…painfully…

Murderer.

After a few days of not responding to calls, I finally got in a good conversation with my mom yesterday. The last time I’d spoken to her, I’d been screaming my head off, because guess what? She was the messenger to the news that upset me so much about a week ago. And I’d been mad— and bitter— that she would take my friend’s side. I hung up before she could explain more.

I didn’t realize it until yesterday, because I had been so immersed in my own thoughts and selfish emotions, that I had also deeply hurt my parents. Guilt and remorse stabbed me deep in the heart, and I felt even worse because I knew that no matter what I did or said, my parents still loved me, and cared enough for me to call. If it was anybody else, I doubt that they would have done the same, or forgiven me so readily.

Honestly, my words have gotten me into so much trouble ever since I was young. If it isn’t obvious already, I am unable to contain my thoughts and opinions and emotions. I need to say what I want to say, and I need to reveal every single dirty little secret about me. Some of you have commended me for being honest…well, honesty is a pain in the ass sometimes, especially if you don’t know how to control it, and especially if you’ve got a particularly volatile and uh, evil personality.

In a way, I’m so freaking glad I have not spoken to my friend yet, because who knows what I would have done or said to ruin our friendship forever? Words kill. And words can never, ever be taken back. Apologies help, but they can only do so much.

I think I need a permanent tape over my mouth. I also need a restraining device to keep my fingers from typing hurtful things, be it on my cell phone or through email, or g-chat. Anybody know where they sell these things?

Anyway. I was like a piping hot burning coal before, but now that I’m all cooled down…I’ve only now realized how childish, petulant, and ridiculous I was acting. If there’s anything I learned, it’s to never let your emotions speak before you. You’ll make a fool out of yourself, and you’ll burn someone innocent.

I’ve made a resolution to myself: When I’m upset, or angry, or hurt, I will always make God my first priority. I will turn to Him first, because He alone will truly and completely understand me, and He alone will be able to withstand my tantrums, and He alone will give me the wisdom and prudence that I need. Only after I’ve calmed down and listened to Him, will I open my mouth and speak to others.

In honor of the last time I ever become a spicy, hot pepper full of burning words, I present to you a hot and spicy dish. It’s very much like how I was before—hot and red with hatred and anger—but add in a few sweet ingredients in, and top with a runny egg in the middle…and it all balances out.

I know I’ll never become one of those gentle, placid, sweet souls…but with a touch of wisdom, guidance, and prudence from God, all that remains is a complex dish, but very well-rounded so that it doesn’t sting.

Gnocchi-bokki
(a variation of the traditional Korean tteokbokki)

• 2 cups commercial spinach gnocchi, uncooked
• 2 heaping spoonfuls gochujang
• 2 heaping spoonfuls soy sauce
• 1/4 cup kabocha puree (or pumpkin)
• 1 tsp honey (or sugar)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• pinch red pepper flakes
• chicken broth
• 2 links sausages, sliced
• 1/2 cup chopped radicchio (red cabbage)
• 1/2 large zucchini, julienned
• 1 carrot, shaved into strips
• handful raisins
• 2 sheets nori, shredded
• handful sharp cheddar cheese
• 2 poached eggs

Get a pot of salted water to boil. Cook the gnocchi according to package directions.

Meanwhile, mix together the gochujang, soy sauce, kabocha puree, honey, garlic, red pepper flakes, and enough broth to make a nice sauce. You can adjust the amount of broth to your own taste depending on how spicy you want it.

Cook the sausages, radicchio, zucchini, and carrot in the spicy sauce. Bring the liquid up to a boil, the simmer until thickened. Stir in the cooked gnocchi, raisins, and nori.

Dish up the gnocchi-bokki into 2 servings, and sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Top with a poached egg each, and you’re ready to dig in!
As I was assembling this dish, I was muttering, “God, this looks like cat puke.” But Mimi was gushing, “It looks gorgeous!” Hm. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder! But that’s for another moral story .
But I have to say: this was freaking awesome. Great kick of spice, but harmonized with the gentle sweetness of the kabocha, honey, and raisins.
And that yolk, oh that yolk! Oozing out and mixing with the red-hot sauce and nori, it totally mellowed the whole dish out with a perfect umami factor! Ooh la la~
This dish was definitely inspired by my favorite Korean dish, tteokbokki. The sauce is similar (except I added kabocha), the hard-boiled egg I replaced with a poached egg, and I also added the raisins, nori, and zucchini as bonus ingredients.
The gnocchi wasn’t bad, but, eh. Commercial gnocchi just doesn’t measure up.
And yeah, I lied. These are not sausages. They are HOT DOGS! Please don’t give me crap about them. I love these overly-processed, unnaturally-pink fat wieners! Mimi calls them…something else…something dirty, which I will not mention on this blog for the sake of my appetite.
My plate:
 Mimi’s plate:
BURP!
Gosh, I hate my hair. Can’t wait till it grows out!

Okay, that was random. I should apply the “Don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” rule to myself.

Question of the day: Are you a MURDERER?

Just kidding, tee hee hee! But seriously: do you need a human mouth-tape like I do? How do you keep yourself from speaking rashly and saying hurtful words?

Somewhere There is a Rainbow

It’s been four days. Four days of frowning, grumbling, moping, and sulking. Thank you all for sticking with me through my thunder-cloud days. I don’t even think I could have been so patient with myself.

God wasn’t as patient though. He kind of slapped me over the head and said, “Okay. That’s enough. Don’t you think you’ve had enough of this self-pity party? Time to get up and stop making a fool of yourself.”

I whined. He insisted, “Talk to me.” I resisted. And then, finally, I did. And He made me see the rainbow in all this bullahoo.

I think throughout the previous four days, my perception had been seriously clouded by a thunderstorm of my own impulsive, raw emotions. I was battered by my own hail-like emotions, but I lacked the wisdom to find shelter. Such emotions are inevitable and unavoidable, as is nature, but I did not have to stand out in the open to let myself drown in that stormy rain of negative emotions. I could have sought solace. I could have sought warmth and comfort.

I admit, I was being masochistic. There is something sickly satisfying and pleasing about self-victimization. It’s equivalent to getting wounded in a battle—you turn that scar into a self-glorifying trophy in order to forget about how much it actually hurt, and also to turn the situation around and not come out as the pathetic loser.

Thus, I purposely rejected human contact. I purposely avoided God. And now, tail between my legs, I have returned to His arms, wet and chilled to the bones by that storm, but with a lesson well-learned: When there’s a storm, rush inside your freaking house. And to me, my home abides in God.

Have I sorted out my emotions yet? Nope, it’s still raining outside. But they no longer hurt or pain me as much. And as time goes by, I’m sure it will abate even more. In the meantime, I need to seek warmth, fill myself with good, hot food, and view the storm outside with objectivity, wisdom, empathy, and understanding.

One thing that God has touched into my heart: every single soul I have met was placed into my life by Him.

Even a stranger whom I greeted in the metro, or the classmate I never talk to in History class…they were all put there for a reason by God. What more, then, my close friend of 10 whole years? Was it not God who arranged our meeting? And if it was God who arranged it…is it not a blessed relationship, no matter what rocky times there might be?

Thus I’ve made another conclusion: Our relationship is blessed. I might be bulleted with misunderstandings and hurt and anger right now, but ultimately, if I truly and sincerely believe that our meeting is blessed, and trust in God to lead the path, then I am sure to gain something positive from our relationship.

So what am I going to do specifically right now? I’m still not sure. But I am waiting. I am pretty sure she knows that I found out, so I will let her seek me with her explanation (because I am too proud to make the first move).

And I will listen, and I will try to understand. With God’s ability to grant me love and understanding, I believe we can fix something out. Even if we don’t, and even if she doesn’t try to explain, she and I once had a fun and pleasant relationship, and that itself is already a blessing.

So there you go. God’s little rainbow for me. For every storm, there has to be a rainbow, if you search hard enough. And guess what? I found one in my lunch bowl too!

Rainbow “Mix-it-up” Bowl

The base:

• one cup Trader Joe’s Freekeh (provided by Christina!)

The “mix-in”s:

• ground turkey
• 1/4 small onion
• 1/4 small bell pepper
• sliced radicchio (red cabbage)
• kale
• handful grapes
• handful raisins
• 1/2 orange, chopped

Coconut-Orange Marinade:

• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• juice of half an orange
• 1/4 cup POM juice
• 1/4 cup coconut milk
• balsamic vinegar (to taste)
• salt and pepper (to taste)

Toppings:

• handful feta cheese
• shredded basil leaves

First, make the dressing/marinade by mixing everything together. Taste it and if it isn’t sour enough, add some vinegar. Or if it isn’t sweet enough for you, add some sugar or honey.

Next, stir-fry the ground turkey with the onion and bell pepper. Dump in the marinade, and add the radicchio and kale and grapes. Stir and heat until cooked through.

Once the cabbage is cooked, stir in the freekeh with the raisins and orange. Grind in more black pepper to season if you like.

Dish it out, and top with feta cheese and basil leaves.
Now, I don’t think it’s necessary to explain why it’s called Rainbow! Ain’t the colors gorgeous?
Honestly, it’s exactly how a “mix-it-up” bowl should be: totally random ingredients. Just a slip-slap of whatever ingredients you’ve got in the fridge.
But it turned out utterly delicious! I really, really really love freekeh…that stuff is so delightfully chewy! I’ve only got about 2 tablespoons left…So sad.
It’s amazing what coconut milk can do to a dish. Just a couple tablespoons, and you’ve already got a really lovely taste, and an invisible creaminess to the dish.
It’s not everyday I eat something so colorful, so I took lots of pictures. I’m not trying to be annoying, tee hee hee!
Ah! One last more! One big mouthful!

Oh, by the way, a little angel reminded me that I have so many more precious relationships across the country…
 Biz sent me a mighty sweet package!
Asian snacks! I love! Hello Panda! Hello Kitty! Why do they all start with hello? Hello hello haarrrlooow~
More great ingredients to experiment with! Korean BBQ sauce, Soul Food seasoning, and Panko!
And something to encourage more delicious slurping!

Whoa hahahaha! It feels great to smile and laugh! I know I’ve been acting like a major whiner with chronic PMS lately, and I want to thank you all for enduring the past two negative posts. I really, really appreciate your amazing and wise advice and comforting words. You guys…seriously rock my socks!

Question of the day: Let’s all just share one relationship you are thankful for…it can be something really random too.

I’m thankful for the traffic lady who is always reading her bible in the morning before she monitors the traffic and who always says a cheerful “Good morning” to me as I run past her, late for class! It just puts me in a sweeter mood for some reason.

This is What “Confused” Tastes Like

A million thanks to all of your sweet and comforting comments! I can’t express how much they meant to me.

This post is going to be one of the hardest I’ve ever written, simply for the reason that I am still very, very confused and have yet to reach a definite resolution. A lot of complicated emotions are swimming in turmoil within me, and I have a feeling that they may not so much have to do with the situation between my friend and me, but more so from my own insecurities and hidden wounds.

Honestly, I thought I would be over it by now. I took a break from everything yesterday, just spending time by myself, declining even a movie invitation by Mimi. But all I’ve gotten out of it is intense loneliness, and the ache of a lost friend.

Right now I’m at a point where I don’t even want to think about it, yet a lot of negative thoughts are stinging me like a bee in my pants. My tear ducts seem to have a been screwed loose because tears keep flowing whether I like it or not. And I just want to shake myself and scream, “Seriously, Sophia, get a freaking grip of yourself, you Drama Queen!”

I haven’t felt such a surge of emotions in a long time…emotions that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I guess I should welcome the change, but…I don’t know how to deal with them. I haven’t dealt with such real emotions for a very long time, because…well, for 4-5 years now, all I’ve ever cared about was me, myself, and my ED.

How do you deal with emotions? Especially such negative emotions such as anger, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, depression, and loneliness?

A long time ago (or seems like it), I simply blocked them out. I would go out and walk for hours, I would turn all the negative feelings into feelings of fatness, I would restrict and just do whatever it took to harm myself. Starving gave me a strange high equivalent to that of drugs, and I would become almost delirious in hunger and weakness. But now…I can’t do that anymore.

I need to face my emotions, but I feel like a coward. I want to hide, I want to brush them away, I want to suppress them and forget about them.

But once again…I can’t. I think I’ve forced them down to the point that everything is flying back at me like a released spring. And going back to my eating disordered ways is no longer an option. So there’s no more option left…but to deal with my issues…the normal, healthy way.

But again…how? That is the question.

Anyway. Somehow my confusion seems to have transferred to my cooking as well, because I came up with a strange concoction…basically a mix of random things. But hey, it actually tasted pretty good. So here it is:

Confused Quesadilla with Eggs, Two Ways

• 2 corn tortillas
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• handful white mushrooms, diced
• handful mung-bean sprouts
• handful kidney beans
• 2 spoonfuls salsa (I used Habanero-Lime)
• 2 eggs, beaten
• handful mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 1/4 cup refried beans
• 1 egg
• handful Parmesan cheese

First, cook the garlic in a fry pan for a few seconds. Then add in the mushrooms and stir-fry for about a minute. Add in the sprouts, kidney beans, and salsa. Cook for about 1 minute. Add in the beaten eggs, and let it cook (no stirring) until the eggs are set.

Meanwhile, microwave the tortillas between a wet towel for 30 seconds. Take one of the tortillas, and place the egg-frittata on it with the mozzarella cheese sprinkled on top:
Then place the second tortilla on top:
Grill it on  Mr. George Foreman (What? By now  you should already know I grill anything I can get my hands on…).
  At the same time, fry the third egg. Mix the cottage cheese with the refried beans. When the quesadilla is done and the tortillas are nice and crispy, top it with the cottage cheese-refried beans mixture, and then top with the fried egg and Parmesan cheese. And you’re done!
Tell me: Are you confused already? What kind of dish is this? Asian sprouts? Cooked in salsa? Sandwiched between corn tortillas? Grilled? Topped with fried egg? And what is with that random cottage cheese stuff?
Aiyah, I don’t care what it is— it was damn freaking good. Now you see why I can’t go back to my eating disordered ways anymore…I’ve discovered the pleasures of food.
For your information, this was a messy dish to eat. But I did not use any fork. Forks are for pretentious people. Nope, I just split it in half and ate it like a sandwich.
Some of the yolk got on my fingers, but I just licked it right off. That’s the way to eat a runny yolk! >.<
  The salsa I used was from the birthday package sent by Christina:
 Love it. Spicy, yet sort of sour, and full of flavor!

Okay, I’ve decided to change the name of this dish to Confucious Quesadilla…Confused+Delicious=Confucious…

Get it? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!! Oh, Sophia, you are just sooooo funny! Oh ho ho ho!
Please excuse me. I’m in a confused state right now.

Question of the day: How do you deal with your emotions? Do you ignore them, or face them?

Sloppy

A lot of people get surprised when they find out I skip classes.

But my classmates are used to the skinny Asian girl who sits in the front of class either drooling or doodling. In my grade reports, every teacher marked down with exasperated exclamation points, “This girl is always building castles in the air!” I used to have a Spanish teacher who hated my guts because I slept every minute of her class. And I always finish my homework during classes so that I didn’t have to do them back at home. You all remember my 7pm rule? It’s not so much a wise strategy as it is just an excuse to slack off some more.

I have to admit, I used to have tons of fun seeing my teachers pinched expressions and exasperation. I was sloppy with my work attitude, but I still somehow managed to get good grades, so I really did not give a damn.

Until I realized how much that sloppy attitude is costing me.

Let me just name a few recent or major ones:

• I scratched up my car really badly against the parking wall because I didn’t care to look properly.
  
• I crushed the back of my car for the same reason.
  
• Look above, re-read two times. Yes, 6 times total, until the final accident (which was, of course, totally my fault again)
  
• I messed up on the date for my parents’ plane flight to Los Angeles, at a loss of $800.
  
• I messed up again on the date, this time for a bus trip.
  
• I didn’t read the directions to my mid-term, and wrote about two films instead of three.
  
• I didn’t read the directions to my essay prompt, and wrote about my own topic. 
• I didn’t check up on school email account, even though I knew something was wrong with it, and missed several important information from my professors

Ouch. I think I’ve had enough, don’t you? It’s hard, to shake off this sloppy attitude which I’ve been wearing for so many years. But the price to pay is too much, too painful. I’ve lost and wasted too much money, time, and grades.

Urgh. It seems like I’m always bordering in the extremity. During my ED days, I’m obsessing over the smallest details in my calorie intake and meals. Now, I’ve lost that perfectionist behavior, but I seem to have reverted back to my sloppy, half-assed ways. How do I  find that balance? I’m still working on it, but I’ll let you know.

So. To reflect on my sloppy attitude, let me present to you a sloppy dish. Nope, not sloppy joes. That would be unoriginal!

Korean BBQ Chickpea Gratin

• 1 tsp olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 large onion, diced
• 4 oz ground turkey
• 1/2 zucchini, diced
• 1/2 eggplant, diced
• 1/4 red bell pepper, diced
• 1 cup chickpeas, cooked (I stole this from the school dining hall)
• Korean BBQ marinade
• 2-3 basil leaves, shredded
• 1 medium gold potato
• 1 medium sweet potato
• 1/4 cup sharp cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
• fresh black pepper

Fry up the garlic and onion in oil until fragrant, then toss in the ground turkey and all the vegetables. Cook until softened, and then add in the chickpeas and Korean BBQ marinade:
Once heated through, pour the vegetable mixture into a baking dish. Top with basil leaves:
Slice the potato and sweet potato into about 1/4-inch slices:
Place it in overlapping patterns over the baking dish and sprinkle with cheese and cracked black pepper:
Cook in a 400 degree oven until done:
You can definitely guess my reaction to this toasty cheesy dish as I pulled it out of the oven!
How can you say no to toasted cheeeeeese?!
Slop it up onto a dish:
No matter how you look at it, it definitely looks sloppy…
But oh-so-delicious! I swear, that Korean BBQ marinade is the bomb, and it will make even my running shoes taste delicious. It’s best with meat, of course, but plenty tasty with vegetarian options like this one!
But I have to say, the best part was the crispy texture of the 2-potato crust…So crunchy, so cheesy!
Obviously this little dish is just for show, because right after I finished this portion, I finished up the rest by the baking dish:
Yum.

Too bad my sloppiness doesn’t produce such delicious results!

By the way, I’ll be gone this weekend…To SAN FRANCISCO! I’ll be hitching at Maggie from Say Yes to Salad’s place together with Coco from Balance, Joy and Delicias for the Foodbuzz Festival….AHH! So excited!! I can’t believe I’m finally meeting so many amazing bloggers!!! >.<

But not to worry (Ok, I’m the only one worrying)…Mimi will be doing a guest post, so please check back in the weekend for that!

Question of the day: So, what kind of work ethic do you have? Are you a diligent bee? Or a sloppy dreamer like me?