Open for Discussion: Is Total Recovery Possible?

In response to my post about my ED past, Alison from Live, Listen, Cook asked this question:

“Here’s a question for you…do you think you’ll ever completely eradicate ED? I think it will always be there for me— or at least my relationship with food is forever changed, even if I eat healthfully. This changed relationship with food is not all bad, but I do hate that the monster in my head never goes away completely. What do you think?”

It’s been 2 weeks since she had asked, and I’ve been meaning to answer this comment earlier, but did not get a chance until now. I’m so sorry, Alison! But I wanted to post this question up for discussion, as I think many of us ED-recovers wonder the same thing.

Is true, total recovery possible? How do you know whether you’re completely recovered?

I cannot say for others (that is why I need your input), but I will speak from my own thoughts and experience: I most absolutely believe that complete recovery is possible. But the word “recovery” is ambiguous. What does it mean? How can you tell?

To be honest, I don’t think I’ll have the same exact relationship with food as I had before. I now know too much about nutrition, and that information will never be eliminated from my brain. Bring out a handful of grains, or a spoonful of oil, and I can automatically tell you exactly how many calories are in it.

Also, my taste buds have changed. I used to avoid vegetables and vegetables like the plague, but now I love and crave them. I don’t like meat as much as I did, nor do I want to eat 2 Super-sized McDonald’s french fries every single afternoon like I used to.

But recovery doesn’t mean that I need to revert back to the way I was before. It just means that food no longer controls me. I don’t obsess about food as much, I no longer fear any certain food, I don’t avoid social eating, I don’t obsessively count calories, I don’t freak out over a missed work out, I don’t have a rigid eating schedule, and I don’t always have to eat “healthy”.

Alison also mentioned the “monster in the head”…that terrible voice that likes to call you names. Fat. Weak. Lazy. Loser. It likes to mock you, and tempt you:

“Why did you eat so much, you fat greedy pig?”
“Hey, you missed your run this morning. Why not restrict today?”
“Bah, so much stress! You’re losing control! But at least you can control your food intake!” 
“Whoa, check out your Thunder thighs! Your underpants will burst into flames from the friction between them!”

Well, here’s the bad news: this voice might always be there. Why? Because it’s habitual. I’m in such a habit of living in such negative thoughts, that sometimes I just instinctively think them. I might eat more than usual, and immediately think, “Sophia, you fatso.” Or I might feel bloated, and panic, “Am I gaining all the fat on my stomach?”

But here’s the good news: Recovery means that you might hear these voices, but you don’t act on them. And as time goes on, the voice will fade away until it’s just a distant memory. Just as it took time to get into the habit of thinking such thoughts, it will take a bit of time to get out of them. But as long as you continuously and consistently ignore them, they will go away.

Therefore, I have hope. In fact, there are a lot of times when I would think back to all the crazy-ass, disordered stuff I used to do: only eating protein and vegetables, throwing away egg yolks, browsing grocery stores all day, buying fat-free cheese and low-carb bread, writing out all my calorie-intake of the day, even hiding food in my socks (WTF?)…and I would just be absolutely flabbergasted and disgusted at myself, exclaiming, “I did WHAT? What the hell? I can’t believe I used to do that!”

But I feel the need to emphasize on one thing: In order to gain full recovery, you have to let go of everything that is disordered. You can’t pick-and-choose; it’s all or nothing. You all are smart enough to know what is disordered or not without me laying out the details. Your conscience will speak to you.

I hope that answers your question, Alison. Thank you for such a thought-provoking comment. And I’d like to open this topic up for discussion, so anyone who has any thoughts on this, please speak up!

So, I’ve mentioned above that my taste buds have changed since my eating disorder, but two things that haven’t: My distaste for rice, and my passion for kabocha. My love for kabocha is self-explanatory, but let me explain why I hate rice: I just don’t get how anyone can like that plain, fluffy, texture-less grain! That doesn’t mean I dislike all grains though. As long as they have an interesting texture to them, I love. 

In fact, smart, lovely Christina sent me a bag of Trader Joe’s Greenwheat freekeh for my birthday. I’m totally in love with this grain now! I’ve made a couple of dishes with them already, but here’s the first one I made with Mimi:

Cheesy-Kabocha Chicken with Raisins and Walnuts Over Grains
(I know, it’s a freaking mouthful. I’m so bad with names! Help me!)

For the Cheesy-Kabocha Sauce:

• oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 onion, diced finely
• 1/2 cup kabocha puree (or, reluctantly, pumpkin)
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup sharp cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• salt and pepper
• pinch of turmeric

For the Chicken:

• oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 onion, chopped
• 1/4 red bell pepper, diced
• 1 boneless, skinless chicken breast
• 1/3 cup raisins

For the Grains:

• 1/2 cup bulgur, dry
• water
• salt and pepper
• pinch of cumin and cinnamon
• 1 cup Trader Joe’s Greenwheat Freekeh

For the toppings:

• handful salad greens
• 3 basil leaves, shredded
• 1/3 cup walnuts, chopped
• 1/2 cup feta cheese, crumbled (or blue cheese)

For the sauce, first cook the garlic and onion in the oil until soft and fragrant. Then stir in the kabocha and pour in the milk. As the liquid starts to thicken, add in both cheeses and season to taste. Stir, then turn down the heat and leave aside.

Next for the chicken, stir-fry garlic, onions, and bell pepper until cooked, then add in the chicken and cook until done. Pour in the cheesy-kabocha sauce and mix together. Add in the raisins.

Meanwhile, cook the bulghur in water, and season with the seasonings and spices. Once the bulghur is cooked, stir in the Freekeh.

To dish, set a handful of salad greens, then scrape the grains on top. Ladle on the cheesy-kabocha chicken mixture, and top with the basil leaves, walnuts, and feta cheese. Crack extra black pepper on top if you like. This serves two hungry girls!

Aii yai yai! This was a beautiful dish. I think Mimi and I just stepped aside to gaze at it in wonder for awhile.
 

And then we dug in!
I can’t tell you how amazing this dish was. It was absolutely…well, amazing! Ah, words fails me!
And that freekeh stuff is absolutely delightful:
So incredibly chewy with its separate, chewy grains, and together with the gritty, crunchy bulghur, the texture was a sensation in my mouth! Thank you, Christina!
And come on. Cheesy, creamy, kabocha chicken? Enough said. Absolutely freakalicious!
It’s funny how now I sneak in greens in there more for a contrast of color rather than nutrition. Ah, to be a food blogger!
Somehow, this dish ended up scoring 100 points in nutrition (if I say so myself):

• Omega-3 fats from the walnuts
• the vitamin B and fiber from the grains
• the protein and iron from the chicken
• the various vitamins and minerals from the vegetables and kabocha
• garlic and onions for immunity
• calcium from the 3 different cheeses
• some antioxidants from the raisins…

Man. I didn’t even notice what a nutritional powerhouse this dish was until now! See, here’s another thing about recovery I learned: I no longer obsess about nutrition, but instead focus on taste and texture when it comes to creating my dishes. And somehow, it still ends up being super nutritious!

Okay, gotta have dinner now. This girl is HANGRY! Oh, here’s another thing I earned from recovery: Being able to feel and honor my hunger! It’s so damn nice to feel hunger and cravings again!

Question of the day: I’ve answered Alison’s question, but I’m sure I missed something. I’m opening it up for discussion, so any input is appreciated!

But for those of you who aren’t ED-recoverers, I have an equally important question to ask: Rice. Like or hate?