Screaming till I’m red, white and blue

*Warning…Slightly negative post ahead…*

I had a brawl with my parents this afternoon…over the very sensitive issue of my weight gain. You see, these days, my weight has been pretty stagnant. My weight gain seems to have hit a plateau, and though I have not lost pounds, I have barely gained any either.

As the day which I have to attend college draws near, my parents are getting more and more anxious. They have expected my weight to be increasing exponentially, and don’t understand why it has stopped. They are starting to point fingers at me, accusing me of controlling my weight and hinting that my mindset has not changed at all, that I am still the same anorexic as before. They literally want me to gain 5-10 lbs a week.

They just…don’t get it. They don’t get how difficult it is to physically gain the weight. Scientifically, recovering anorexics need tons of calories to gain a couple pounds a week. And now I’m at the point where I‘m almost constantly eating, and 24 hours in a day just doesn’t seem enough. The contradicting thing is, my parents think my constant eating isn’t normal either. They want me to just have three square meals a day, like a normal person.

I tried explaining, but they still don’t understand. Nobody seems to understand. What hurts me most is that they seem to disregard the changes I did make. Obviously I’m not 100% recovered yet, but god-damned it…I’m trying. I really am trying. But then, inside me, that nagging, prickling accusation: Am I really? Am I really giving all I’ve got towards this fight?

Later when my parents were out of the house, I just belted it out. I stamped and crushed my entire body onto the floor and screamed my lungs out, letting out screeching wails of passionate frustration and vehement fury. I took a shower to calm myself down, but my tears just kept on flowing along with the rushing water.

It was the first in many years since I have felt such a bursting torrent of raw emotions: anger, exasperation, disappointment, and condemnation at both me and my parents. During the four years of my ED, I had become rather numb. I was stoic like stone, devoid of any emotions other than anxiety over food and weight. But today…all the pent-up emotions in me seemed to flood out like a broken dam. And it felt rather good.

I’ve calmed down a bit now, after recollecting myself and praying to God. Listening to praise songs…that’s the best way to quieten my troubled spirits.

And as I think about it…I feel I really need to humble myself. A few pounds gained is not total recovery at all. I still have many hurdles to leap over, many snakes to trample. There are definitely some areas in my life that comes clear to me that I need to change. And I will, I will work towards that.

I’m still slightly pissed at my parents, but I know there isn’t anybody else in the world who cares for me as much as they do. I have yet to lose anything from listening to their wise and loving advices. Their words certainly hurt and were rather insensitive, but they too are human, and were speaking out of real worry and love for me, for which I am grateful.

Thank you…for listening to me. I hope this didn’t put a damper onto your July 4th celebration.

I guess I ought to share my July 4th burger, though. Here’s my attempted version to celebrate the red, white, and blue:

Red, White and Blue Burger

The red: Meat

• 1/3 pound 85% lean ground beef
• about 2 tablespoons minced sweet Vidalia onion
• about 2 tablespoons chopped chives
• shot of Worcestershire sauce
• dash of onion powder
• salt, pepper
• small bit of brown sugar

The blue (and red): Blue and Red Simmered Onions

• 1/2 onion, sliced
• chicken broth
• handful of fresh blueberries
• dash of Balsamic vinegar
• 1 tablespoon raspberry preserves
• salt and pepper

The white: Cheese

• handful feta cheese, crumbled

For the meat, just mix everything together and form into a thick round patty.

For the red and blue simmered onions, cook the sliced onions in a bit of chicken broth in a frying pan. Let the liquid boil and simmer, slowly cooking the onions, and let the liquid boil out. Stir in the blueberries, and balsamic vinegar to taste, then add a bit more chicken broth. Continue simmering and adding more broth until the onions become sort of caramelizes and the liquid is thick and sticky. Stir in the raspberry preserves, and season with salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, cook the burger. I don’t have a grill, so I used a skillet. At the same time, toast a hamburger bun.

Now, for the grand finale: Slide the cooked burger on top of a bun, top with feta cheese, then the onions. And now, you’re in for a treat!

Oh what a big burger I have!

The onions were the highlight: tangy, slightly acidic, with a hint of sweetness, they are far superior over any pickle in the world!

This thing was huge. But even larger in flavor.

Just about every bite was juicy and popping in my mouth.

I had to really work to stretch out my jaws with this one! I finally just decided to be civilized and got a fork:
Yummy!

Okay, add food to do the list of things that cheer me up. Praise songs, prayer, and food. Hee.

Well, I hope you guys had a much cheerier July 4th than me! And once again, thanks for listening to my little depressing post!

Question of the day: When you’re upset, how do you react? Do you stuff it inside, or pent it out? What calms you down most?