From being to IN control

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it once again: Anorexia is all about control. We want to control our bodies, we want to control our eating, we want to control our schedules and time. It’s not really about the fear of weight gain or food. It’s more about the fear for the lack on control over our eating and bodies.

It may have started out as a diet with weight loss in mind, but why would I want to continue our strict regimens in eating and exercise when I have reached my goal weight already? The thing is…by then, it’s no longer about the weight. It’s about the high, that delicious euphoria that rushes through me in the belief that I have that power over myself to control my hunger and cravings.

But the sad and pathetic thing is…It’s all an illusion. Because who is really in control here? I am bound by my own fixed set of rules and regulations, I tremble at the sight of fear foods, I force myself to work out fanatically, and I withdraw myself from social activities to avoid eating. Does that sound like I’m being in control here?

One of the key motivators for my recovery was the realization that I’d been deluded for all 4 years of my ED period. I was not in control; I was being controlled. I didn’t choose to not eat; I simply couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to exercise 3 hours a day, I simply had to. I was not the master of my body. I was  a slave to all my serious misconceptions and twisted obsessions.

From then on I started actively and defiantly going against ED. Whatever he ordered, I tried to do the opposite. And you know what? ED is not that strong after all. He really doesn’t have control over me, because once I took measures to be the one truly in control, there was nothing for ED to do but hang by the side and gape like a goldfish.

Some of you might recall when I mentioned that one of my still-remaining fear food was pasta. For some reason, pasta was one of the scariest food for me because of all that overload of carbohydrates. I mean, come on. A big plate of pasta? That is a big dieter’s no-no. And topped with more cream and cheese? That is exactly what a nutritionist recommends you to avoid. 

But I had a goal in mind, and that was to be able to order a full plate of pasta in a restaurant, and enjoy it. As you can recall, I’ve made pasta at home just a few times. I call that the “warm-up” for my big challenge because making my own pasta isn’t as scary because I can determine the amount and ingredients I want.

And today was that big day. Today, I gained back some more control from ED. Today, I eliminated another one of my fear foods.

By a miracle, both my parents and brother was free today, so we decided to have lunch out then go for a walk together around Lake Accotink. After searching up Menupages.com, my brother and I decided on an Italian restaurant called Cafe Oggi.

We were pretty impressed by the decor and relatively bright ambiance as soon as we walked in:

Though it was a little cramped, the decor was warm and elegant.

The waiter served us individually-portioned fresh, warm Italian bread as soon as we sat down:

Which we dipped in herby olive oil:

My mom ordered the Spaghetti Vongole:

Pasta with fresh clams in tomato sauce

My dad ordered the most expensive dish on the menu, the Spaghetti Fra’Diavolo:

Pasta topped with a one-pound lobster in a spicy tomato sauce

My brother, a fast food junkie, surprisingly ordered a “diet”-ish dish, the Trota Alle Erbette:

Fresh rainbow trout with fresh herbs in lemon sauce

And I ordered something I’ve been wanting to try for ages, the Gnocchi Ai Tre Formaggi:

Potato dumplings with arugula in three cheese sauce

Holy Gnocchi! It was goood! The dumpling was so chewy and sticky, and made for a wonderful, fun texture.

The sauce was definitely rich, and I could see the grease from the full-fat cheese and cream, but cheese-whore that I am I used the plump gnocchi to mop up every last bit of the sauce.

Since we are big sharers, we tried each other’s dishes. Every dish was amazing. My mom’s Spaghetti Vongole was really flavorful with succulent clams. My brother’s trout was perfectly cooked, nice and tender.

My dad’s lobster pasta was, undoubtedly, the best. It was worth every penny. Being Korean, he asked for extra-spicy, but ended up having to sprinkle on even more red pepper flakes to suit his spice satisfaction level. He couldn’t finish it though, so I helped myself to almost half his portion.

Wow. If you had told me just a few months back that I would have eaten 70% of that rich and creamy gnocchi dish, and almost 50% of spaghetti with lobster, I would have thought you were on crack. Even now, I can hardly believe it.

I don’t know how to describe this feeling…It’s the same rush of euphoria I used to feel when I was restricting, but so different in that this time, I really am in control. I am free, liberated from my unreasonable fears and anxieties.

Oh, and that’s not all. After our hot and sweaty walk around Lake Accotink, we clambered into a Korean bakery around that area, called Shilla Bakery. And we ordered two of this:

Korean shaved ice!

This is a base of fruits, with a huge ball of sweetened adzuki beans and glutinous rice cakes, topped off with a mountain of shaved ice and sweetened condensed milk.

You mix it all up like this:

And aaaaah…There is no better relief for a hot summer day! I implore you, if you ever find a Korean bakery around your area, ask if they have shaved ice. You won’t regret it!

I’m feeling a bit stuffed. I might have been overzealous and eaten a bit too much, but guess what? I’m still alive, and I’m feeling happier and more triumphant than ever. Today was a huge accomplishment, and I’m gonna relish in that knowledge, and the expectation that there will be many more days of victories to come!

Question of the day: Do you think you are in control of your life? Or is there some things that you feel are controlling you?
And: What is your favorite pasta? Spaghetti? Rigatoni? Spirals? Raviolis? Gnocchi?