Oh My Cheese!

A reader left a comment on my last post about letting go of everything eating disordered:

“Well, you still do drink diet coke, and you’re not even diabetic. Isn’t that still part of ED behavoiior?”

Whoops. Busted!

Yup, I still do drink diet soda, and I’ve never been secretive about that fact. Yeah, yeah, how could I, it’s so unhealthy, all that artificial sweeteners, blah blah blah.

First of all, let me make it clear that I have never said I’m totally recovered yet. Yes, I still have my vices. I still have things to work on. I still have instinctual thoughts and behaviors that are very much part of my eating disorder. I guess I didn’t make myself clear enough, but when I said to make a “complete turnover”, I realize that it is quite impossible to make that change all at once. I’m still in the progress of losing each smudge and traces of ED, but I have no doubt that one day, I will make it. I want to destroy every part of ED inside of me. Time will tell.

Taylor from Joy of Food wrote something with which I agreed:

“I think it can be hard to know for sure you’re recovered, until many many years later……So does that mean I’m not fully recovered? Who knows, all I know for sure is I’m happy, healthy and ED can get lost. ”

Tee hee hee! I love that mentality. In a way, recovery itself can be a major stress factor if we’re going to continue debating over whether this or that is truly ED or not, etc. We just have to keep in mind the ultimate goal: To be happy, to be healthy, and to tell ED to f**k off (I wish smileys had a middle-finger).

On that note, let me share my “excuse” for why I drink diet soda: I’ve always drunk diet coke, even way before my ED. Why? Because for some goddamn reason, I thought it was the “cool” thing to do.

Don’t laugh! When I first started drinking diet soda, I was 11, and it was a new thing in Singapore. I had no idea what “diet” or “light” meant. Calories meant nothing to me. In fact, I didn’t even know about calories until I moved to America. But a lot of the older women I admired drank diet soda. In the commercials, the sexy women drank diet soda. Thus, I thought diet soda must be the sexier version of regular soda. And I’ve been drinking diet soda ever since. Now, I’m just used to that taste of aspartame, and regular coke tastes weird to me.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let me share some frighteningly good news. I RECEIVED MY CABOT CHEESE! I won more than 4 lbs of cheese from Biz’s giveaway, and I had been impatiently waiting for it for more than a month! 
Oh, what a thing of beauty! Oh my Lord! Oh Lordie!

An assortment of cheddar and pepper jack cheeses:
 50% cheddar, 75% cheddar, and 50% pepper jack.

But the most exciting thing was this hunky baby:
 Extra sharp VINTAGE cheddar cheese…aged a minimum of 2 years!!!
I can’t believe I received a whole brick of this amazing thing! I was ecstatic! I nibbled on it right away, and the taste was fan-freakin-tastic!
I knew I had to come up with a recipe worthy of this lovely cheese. I turned to something else kind of vintage:
 Leftover carved turkey. Not from Thanksgiving (I already ate them all), but snitched from the dining hall (Shhhh…). Anyway, I hope this dish did the cheese justice:

Leftover Turkey Enchilada with Fruits and White Cheddar

• 3 corn tortillas
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/4 red onion, diced
• 1 slice turkey, diced
• 1/2 Granny smith apple, diced
• small handful raisins
• 1/4 cup almond milk
• 1 mini-bottle of pear, honey, and ginger preserves
• Mango-Habanera salsa
• 1/2 cup shredded white cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 2 stalks green onion, chopped

Cook the garlic and red onion, then toss in the turkey dices, apple, and raisins. Pour in the almond milk and preserves, then spoon in some salsa, tasting as you go. Cook until the fruit is soft but not mushy. Then mix in the cottage cheese and with half of the cheddar cheese and chopped green onions.

Meanwhile, heat up the 3 corn tortillas on top of a skillet. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Spoon the filling into each tortilla and roll it up, making sure to leave some for topping. Assemble them into a baking dish. Top with leftover filling, and sprinkle with the rest of the cheddar cheese and green onions:
Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the tortillas are crispy and the cheese on top is melted. Ta-da!
This is the second time I’ve made “enchiladas”! Of course they’re not the traditional kind, but these are good, too!
The pear, honey, and ginger preserves I used was from the swag bag from the Foodbuzz Festival, from a company called Quince & Apple:
It was a tiny bottle. I was sad to see it all gone in one day. But it was freaking worth it!

The salsa I used was yet another sample from the Foodbuzz Festival:
 Big Orson’s Mango-Habarnaro Salsa. Hot. Sweet. I like!

I’m sure you can substitute any other preserves or salsa you feel like, as long as it’s kind of fruity.

For the cheese, I just used the good ol’ hand-grater to grate my precious vintage cheddar cheese:
This dish was mildly sweet, but spicy and cheesy and tangy at the same time. It was perfect. Of course, I think everything I cook is perfect.
  But come on. This thing was perfection.
Turkey tastes so much better with some kind of fruity sauce. And cheese, of course.
I love how the tortilla gets all crunchy in the end:

And the melted cheese all over:
Fantastic. Perfectly filling, too. Please, if you’ve got any leftover turkey, make this dish. Your tummy will kiss you.

I still have some leftover turkey. I can’t wait to experiment more with it!

Question of the day: What did you do with your leftover turkey? If you were me, what would you do with all that cheese?

Choose Your Battle

There was a battle at my school yesterday—The Battle of the Football: USC vs. UCLA. For those of you who don’t know much about sports and American universities, USC and UCLA are deadly rivals. No question about it— USC is better than UCLA in every aspect, naturally. Of course, I may be a teensy weensy bit biased, but I’m pretty sure that is a well-established fact.

Go Trojans!! FYI: Trojans = USC. Bruins = (f)UCLA. Red = USC. Blue = UCLA(ss).

Anyway, let me just tell you— we USC and UCLA students don’t get along. I mean, we sell shirts that say “My maid went to UCLA” for God’s sake. And we even built a shrine for a dog which apparently chewed the Bruin’s mascot’s head off!

Which was why I was absolutely flabbergasted to see this:
A family housing both the Trojans and the Bruins? What?!

Wait, there’s more:
Trojans and Bruins…tailgating together?!

And this:
Kids, kids, please! You guys are supposed to fight, not walk in peace together!

And worse, a Trojan + a Bruin = Romance?!!
WHAT THE EFFING HELL is going on?!

Okay, okay. I’m overreacting. Seeing “enemies” get along well together does actually make me feel all furry and toasty inside and blah, blah, blah. But I’m exaggerating for a reason. Because in the case of recovery from an eating disorder, this ain’t all lovebirds and cute anymore.

You see, I’ve been chatting with a few people about recovery from eating disorders. And one common obstacle I find is the reluctance to march into a life-or-death battle.

Recovery is a tough, gritty battle. But there is a reason why it’s called a battle. There is a reason why you’re asked to fight in a recovery. Because recovery, ultimately, is the battle between wanting to remain eating disordered and the desire to be free.

Before I even considered recovery, I have to admit that life wasn’t all that complicated. I had a definite goal, and that was to continue on with my eating disordered habits and behaviors, to dwell and thrive in my disordered and self-mutilating thoughts.

But in came Recovery the Bitch. Suddenly, there were two conflicting forces within me. I longed to burst out of my eating disorder, but yet at the same time, I was reluctant to give up a lot of my eating disordered ways. I tried to compromise. I tried to make excuses. I tried to bargain, thinking, “I’ll stop doing this but continue doing that, etc.” But at the same time, deep down I was despairing, because I knew that holding on to these things would never let me truly recover.

Well, it got me nowhere. In fact, there was a time when I actually physically gained the weight. But a few months later, I relapsed and plunged deeper into my ED demise than ever before.

And so I came to this conclusion: There is no 80% recovered, or even 99% recovered. You are either recovered, or you’re not. Otherwise, you’ll be forever caught in that never-ending  contradiction between Life and ED.

You have to choose. You can’t face a battle straddling both sides. Make up your mind, and stick to it. Fight for it, tooth and nail, with all your might and soul. Honestly, the biggest turning point in total recovery is the moment you single-mindedly determine that you want to get rid of every trace of ED, once and for all. From then on, things aren’t so complicated, because you have only one goal and purpose in mind, and that is to destroy ED.

And that means, you’ve got to make a complete turnover. No more calorie-counting. No more diet products. No more abusing exercise. No more “fat” thoughts. No obsessive weighing/measuring. No avoidance of any particular foods, no bringing your own food to social events, no repetitive eating of the same things over and over again. I could go on and on, but you yourself know the things you have to change best.

This is a battle. And we cannot ever entertain thoughts of befriending or compromising with the enemy. We need to pulverize him. Or hang him, for this matter. Very much like this:
Hang the Bruin bear!
DIE, Bruins!

Here’s a stellar Trojan boo-ing a couple of passing Bruins:
OMG. Do you see that little kid with the toy sword? Tee hee hee!
 
Put on your full armor, because we’re gonna win!
Unfortunately, this is a bad statue. He looks like Bill Clinton.

Anyway. I’m very pleased to tell you that USC totally kicked UCLA’s ass at our football game on Saturday. Sorry, Tra and Sue!

To celebrate, my church friends and I went on a Pho trip. Unfortunately, I have to say that while USC definitely trumps UCLA in many areas, food is just not one of them. There is just a total lack of good restaurants in the USC vicinity!

We went to apparently the best Pho place in the USC area, Pho 36:
Instantly, I was suspicious to see Korean writings on the menu:
But the owners looked Vietnamese enough, so my fears were appeased.

The interior design was pretty neat and chic:
But I do not like this ugly Buddha figure:
I’m pretty damn sure the real Buddha in history was not a fatso with dangling earlobes.

I ordered the PHO House special:
 Rare steak, brisket, tendon, tripe, and meatballs in rice noodle soup with fresh herbs.
They also gave me an abundant side of raw onions, basil, bean sprouts, cilantro, jalapeño, and lime slices.
The “rare” steak became cooked in the hot broth:
But it was tasty enough.

It was my first time eating Vietnamese meatballs:
 It was meaty. Very meaty. Not bad!

Call me crazy, but my favorite was the tripe:
 Chewy! Yummy!

Unfortunately, the noodles were mushy and overcooked:
The broth wasn’t bad but it wasn’t as rich and intense as I would have liked. I added tons of sriracha and hoisin sauce:
One of my friends ordered a dish I’ve never seen before, the Cha Gio:
 Vermicelli rice noodles with egg rolls, vegetables and char-boiled steak. It comes with a sweet and spicy dressing called Nuoc Cham, which you pour over the entire dish.
Cool. I wish I’d ordered that, but I hate vermicelli noodles. Nasty skinny things.

Well, Thanksgiving weekend is over. Three more weeks of intense stress, and then it’s all over! I might or might not blog during exam week, but we’ll see.

Have a great week, everybody! Fight your battles!

Question of the day:

For those in ED recovery: What is your thought on the ED battle? Do you think there is something you are unwilling to let go off?

For those not in ED recovery: Skinny noodles (like vermicelli, angel hair). Love or hate?

To You

You do the math: Thanksgiving + ridiculously early “dinner” + big-ass turkey + too many desserts + amazing people + big container of leftovers for midnight “snack” = ??

A freaking enjoyable night, but the worst food coma the next day after. I was groggy all day today, and only climbed out of bed when it was 1 pm. Oh well. It was all worth it…t’was the best Thanksgiving dinner I’ve ever had!

Actually, that was my first Thanksgiving, and I’m now a bit miffed that I had been denied a true Thanksgiving dinner for 21 years of my life. You see, I’m Asian (sorry to bring in the race card), and we just don’t celebrate Thanksgiving the way Americans do. For the past Thanksgivings in my life, I’ve been forced to choke down fried rice and chow mein and sweet-and-sour pork. Oh boy.

However, even with the horrible Thanksgiving food, one thing I’ve never ever been denied was wonderful, beautiful company. I’m so blessed…wherever I go, I seem to be constantly surrounded by people whom I really love, people who care about me, and people who I know for certain that God placed in my life. Oh, praise the Lord!

So. This post is dedicated to all the great people who stuck by me throughout all these years, and especially to all the new friends I’ve made in the past 11 months.

To my family: Thank you…for always loving me, no matter how flawed and terrible I’ve been. I would not be who I am without you.

To my church brothers and sisters in Virginia: Thank you…for always praying for me, always having faith in me, and rejoicing with me in my triumphs and joys.

To my church brothers and sisters in Singapore: Thank you…for helping me find laughter again, for encouraging me to challenge myself and eventually watching my daily progress in recovery. The 5 months I’ve spent with you was a turning point in my life.

To my best friends: Thank you…for not forgetting about me, even though I’ve tried to push you away. Thank you for treating me like a normal person, for viewing me and reminding me of who I am, without the ED stigma. Thank you for not forsaking me.

To my new friends in USC: Thank you…for breathing  life into me again as I live a new, restored life as a normal college student. Thank you for all the joys, laughter, and delight you’ve brought to me. I look forward to many more stories we’ll share together.

To my blog friends: Thank you…for reading, even though at times I’ve been grumpy and bitchy. Thank you for being there for me, always ready with warm words of comfort, advice, and support. Thank you for keeping me on track, for touching me with the wonder that it is possible to form such beautiful relationships even through the faceless communication of the Internet. You guys have restored my faith in humanity…that people really are beautiful.

To God: Dear Lord…You already know deep into the depths of my heart. Tears and words cannot express how much I love and thank you. You are the reason that I live, and I cannot repay you for all the grace you’ve bestowed upon me…except to give my all to you. Dear God, please accept my very being, and shape it into yours.

And lastly: Thanks to Elda, David, Renee, Ben, and Jane for cooking  my first Thanksgiving dinner ever (though they are included in the “new friends in USC” category)!!!

In lieu of the special occasion, I donned my favorite socks:
And boy, oh boy…there was so. much. freaking. food. My head was swimming and I didn’t know which one to dig into first! But first, let me share the decorations they did for the dining room:
Very, very cool. Simple, yet classy and elegant.
  I especially loved how they had little name cards. Makes me feel special to see mine:
Woo-hoo! Sophia!! What a beautiful name!

And now on to food. A pretty table ain’t nothing without good food! Everyone zoomed in…
With their cameras?!! Um, I swear, they are not food bloggers…But what’s great about these people is that they’re total foodies like me!

Anyway, here’s the arrogant dish that thinks it’s centerpiece when it’s actually only good for leftovers:
The 17-lb turkey, plucked, roasted, and exposed for our gastronomical pleasure.

Then ham:
 Home-roasted. Sweet, yet intensely meaty.

Stuffing:
 Apples, French bread, walnuts, cranberries. It was freaking amazing. I went back for seconds and thirds. Hands down, my favorite dish of the night!
 4-Cheese Mac & Cheese:
With Parmesan cheese, white cheddar, gorgonzola, and goat cheese. Say what? All my favorite cheeses in one dish?  I went for seconds and thirds again. Definitely a close favorite!
Candied yams:
Honestly, I did not think I would like this at all because it would be too sweet for me, so I only took a tiny bit. But it turned out pretty good. Good enough for seconds!
 Mashed potatoes:
Damn it, my mashed potatoes never turned out this good!
The most freaking amazing cranberry sauce:
Homemade, with fresh cranberries, orange rind, apple cider, liquer, and…Whatever. I can’t remember, but it sure saved the boring turkey!

Also, fresh-baked cheese and herb biscuits:
Light, buttery, flaky, cheesy. What’s not to love?
 After that superfluous dinner, everyone wobbled to the living room to sing some praise songs together, because who best to thank on Thanksgiving than God, right?
La la la la~
 Tra la la la~
These guys are wondering, “When the heck is dessert time?” I can just read it in their heads!
I know I was!

And then it was dessert time!

Somehow, an Asian dish slipped into the mix:
 Korean rice cakes. But that’s okay, at least it wasn’t fortune cookies.

The quintessential pumpkin pie:
 Pumpkin bread!!
And banana pudding:
Embarrassed to say, but I was most enamored by the banana pudding, which turned out to be the least homemade dessert (pudding mix and Cool Whip). A true Gourmand I am not!

For this pecan pie, we stuck a candle into it:
  And we sang another song, this time a birthday song, because it was this little fella’s first birthday:
  How cool is it that his birthday is on Thanksgiving? The look on his face seems to indicate that he doesn’t know what the hell is going on though. Tee hee!

Eggnog was passed around…
…and we were divided into “Love-it” and “Hate-it” camps. I’m in the “hate-it” camp. Yeck. Too sickening rich…it’s like drinking custard that someone puked out.

It’s amazing how much you can stuff into your stomach if you put your heart into it. Here’s Renee, not afraid to chow down some more:

She is so pretty. And huggable. I love her!

After dessert we settled down, nursing our food babies…
And real babies…
And we talked some more. I loved this group of people. I didn’t know half the people here, but we were an interesting, ecelectic mix from all over the world: Nepal, Kazakhstan, India, Singapore (me), Taiwan, Korea, Romania…
Can you tell who is from where? No matter…we are all beautiful!

The baby started sleeping…
…and thus it was time to leave.

I had the most wonderful, heart-warming night. Thanksgiving rocks. It’s now officially my favorite holiday ever. Hopefully my next Thanksgiving will be “kung-pao chicken”-less as well!

Question of the day: What is your favorite Thanksgiving dish? Do you have a non-traditional Thanksgiving tradition?

Oh, and Egg-nog: Love it or hate it?

Special Thanksgiving

Today…has been an infuriatingly unproductive day. Usually, that would get me all stressed out. But you know what? Screw my numerous impending research essays. Screw my upcoming finals! This week…it’s all about Thanksgiving, and I refuse to let my spirits be badgered down by schoolwork.

In fact, I’ve got an ear-splitting grin across my face right now. I can’t seem to stop smiling! Each time my cheeks start to relax, I remember yet another reason to give thanks to God, and my cheeks split into a foolish grin again. Don’t look at me now, I’m scary-looking with all the gleaming teeth.

You know, Thanksgiving might be one of my favorite celebrations in America. I just love, love, love the idea of families gathering together over roasted turkey and cranberry sauce, joining hands to reflect over the year, and coming up with countless reasons to give thanks.

However, as we all know, Thanksgiving shouldn’t be just limited to one single day. Many people say things like, “I’m thankful for my family, my friends, blah blah blah…” Well, of course we’ve got to be thankful for our friends and families! In fact, we should be expressing our gratitude for that every single day! Which is why for me, Thanksgiving has a different meaning. There are just so many freaking reasons to give thanks, that a single day is simply not enough. Thus Thanksgiving should be a daily, habitual activity…so what makes this particular occasion special?

Well, first of all…let’s face it. Given our busy lifestyles and duties, we usually forget to give thanks. For me, I need a specially assigned day in which I stop everything I’m doing, sit down, and have a good reflection over the course of the year.

Second of all…as I do my reflection…I come to realize that I not only have to give thanks for the good, fortunate things in my life…I also have to give thanks for all the things that gave me pain, sufferings, and hardships. And that’s when I start receiving many revelations, and come to peace with many of the grudges, worries anxieties, and wounds I’ve held over the year.

This year of 2009 has been a significant year for me. 11 months ago, I was still barely 60 lbs. 11 months ago, I still didn’t know if I would ever make it to college. 11 months ago, I was still teetering between desire to die, and desire to recover and live.

And then, my dream came true. Recovery became an increasingly easy and smooth process as I overcame many challenges, many obstacles and irrational thoughts and behaviors. I got into college. I even got a scholarship.

But was it happily ever after from then onwards? Nope.

I was out of the world of ED, but I was still, well, living in this world, and dealing with the daily problems and struggles of a normal person. I struggled with adjusting to a college life as I faced criticisms and bad grades that seriously wavered my self-confidence. I had a few personal dramas and tantrums. I had a few relationship troubles. And I still struggle to be a good person, a good Christian, a good student, a good friend.

But you know what? I give thanks for all of that. I’m not bullshitting here…I really and truly give thanks for everything:

I give thanks that I am dealing with all these normal problems…because that means I no longer am consumed with ED problems.

I give thanks that I had bad grades and struggled with school, because that taught me not to be so cocky about my intelligence. In fact, it really humbled me and gave me an attitude to want to learn and experience, and not just to earn good grades.

I give thanks for my personal dramas and tantrums, because that means I am no longer numb with emotions. I’m learning to be a real human being again with real, passionate emotions. Now, I just need to find a good balance (and not act like I have permanent PMS).

I give thanks for the relationship troubles that I had, because it taught me to trust God and not man. It also taught me to be more understanding towards others, to view others’ situation in a less selfish perspective.

That was long. I wish I could go on and on, but the food is running cold, and I’m sure your eyes are starting to glaze over. Well, stick a ruler up your eyelids, because you want them to be wide open for this freaking amazing dish I’m going to share with you.

It’s my own rendition of the ultimate Japanese comfort food, Ochazuke, by going tropical-style. Ochazuke is a dish in which hot tea is poured over cooked rice topped with a few simple ingredients such as pickles and leftover fish. It’s supposed to be made with leftovers, but hey, I’m a poor college student and I don’t get many meals with good fish. So here is my tropical version of the Ochazuke:

Tropical Ochazuke

Basic Ingredients:

• 3 cups cooked brown rice, mixed with kidney beans
• salmon fillet
• 2 sheets nori, shredded
• 1 packet bonito flakes
• brewed green tea

Sophia’s “Bonus” Ingredients:

• 1/4 cup Oregon Dukkah, coconut flavor
• 1/2 mango
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 1 tsp gochujang
• 1 tsp dijon mustard
• pinch crushed red pepper flakes

Optional Ingredients:

• soy sauce
• 2 stalks green onions

First, divide the rice into two dishes:

Meanwhile, blend the mango, soy sauce, honey, gochujang, mustard, and red pepper flakes in a food blender:
Next, glaze the salmon fillet with the mango-mixture, then press down a good handful of the Oregon Dukkah on top:
Heat up a frying pan, and sear the salmon on each side until cooked through. Ladle it over the rice, and top with nori:
Have ready a pot of hot green tea:
And then pour away!
Top with bonito flakes (they dance, by the way, so COOL!):
And you’re done!
In case you’re wondering this is Oregon Dukkah:
I got it as a sample from the Foodbuzz Festival, and it’s toasted coconut combined with roasted hazelnuts, sesame seeds and spices. Sounds good? Tastes fabulous! I can’t wait to experiment more with this!

I had aside extra nori and bonito flakes to add in while eating:
And also a bowl of chopped green onions to sprinkle on top:
As for the soy sauce, use it if you need more flavor. But honestly, it’s still great without.
Total comfort food.
It’s amazingly healthy, too. I think this will be a good meal to make after a few days of stuffing yourself during Thanksgiving, don’t you think?
  Maybe you can substitute the fish with leftover turkey! Get creative with this!
By the way, my parents are overseas in China right now, so I can’t even call them during Thanksgiving…but thank God, because a couple in church invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday…so I won’t have to spend Thanksgiving alone!

Well, I hope all of you have a great and blessed Thanksgiving, full of love and cheer and of course, gratitude!

Question of the day: Aside from all the usual things to give thanks for, can you think of one “bad” thing…that you’re thankful for now?

Wishing For Dreams Come True…

I hate sleep. There. I said it.

I don’t get people like my brother, who crawls into bed for a “sweet nap” whenever he’s bored. If I’m bored, I damn well wouldn’t be sleeping. Wait—that doesn’t matter, because I’m never bored. I always seem to have something to do.

And that’s precisely why I detest sleep. Because it is just a waste of time. 24 hours in a day is already not enough…so why would I want to be motionless with my eyes closed for hours when there are so many freaking things to do? But unfortunately, God designed humans so that we need to take a rest for 7-8 hours a day. If anybody knows why He did that, please enlighten me. I would really like to know.

That said, I have been sleeping 8 full hours for consecutive days. It’s a miracle! I usually get only 5 hours a sleep. Strangely, that has not messed up my productivity time. I still got things done. I still manage to have time to slip in a movie at night, and perhaps some blogging. So what does this say? Perhaps I’ve been sacrificing sleep for nothing. I need to experiment on this more…

Part of the reason why I’ve been able to sleep so much is because I’ve been dreaming a lot. Strange, but good dreams:

Yesterday, I dreamed that one of my friends who is struggling with an eating disorder called me up asking me to eat a Wendy’s burger with her.

Another day, I dreamed that I got a 99% on my final essay for my writing class (what bullshit)

I also dreamed that I became best friends with a popular blogger (not telling who) and she taught me how to hip-hop dance.

Sigh. If only all these dreams were true…

But I suppose that’s precisely why they are called dreams. They are wistful wishes that come true without any effort from our part. You know, I’ve always been a dreamer…but what do I actually do to achieve them? For example…

I wish I was a better Christian…yet I don’t communicate with God, or read His words as much as I should…

I wish I had better grades…yet I skip classes all the time, and rarely do my readings…

I wish I had more time…yet I waste a lot of the time I already have doing frivolous stuff…

That’s it! Time to stop wishing and to start actually doing something about it! I only get dreams when I’m sleeping anyway…when I’m motionless! Time to get moving, time to take action!

But first, let’s fuel myself with some food…

I have to admit, I’ve been extremely lazy these days, and I’ve been turning to the same stuff over and over, for the main reasons that 1) it’s fast and convenient;  2) it tastes good and is pretty nutritious; 3) I can get most of the ingredients from my school dining hall, which I now frequent daily like a kleptomaniac…

Anyway. Here’s what I’ve had for several days now:

Spicy-PB Vegetable and Cottage Cheese “Mix-it-up” Bowl

Base Ingredients:

• onions, diced
• bell pepper, diced
• mushrooms, diced
• zucchini, chopped
• tomatoes, diced
• bean sprouts
• kidney beans
• spinach
• Soul Food Seasoning (from Biz)

Dressing Ingredients:

• 2 spoonfuls soy sauce
• 2 spoonfuls peanut butter
• 2 spoonfuls Habanero-Lime Salsa (from Christina)
• 1/4 cup almond milk
• pinch crushed red pepper flakes

Topping Ingredients:

• 1 cup cottage cheese
• 4 yukon gold potatoes
• hot sauce

Okay, first the potatoes. I roasted them hasselback-style, by slicing numerous slits down the center of each potato, but not all the way through. And then I sprinkled them with this amazing seasoning:
 Biz, thank you SO much for this. I’m obsessed with this seasoning now. I practically sprinkle them on anything and everything!

And then roast the potatoes in 425 degree oven until cooked through:
Nice and crunchy!

For the dressing ingredients, just mix everything together until smooth.

And the base ingredients: Mix everything together with plenty of that incredible Soul Food seasoning (or just salt and pepper if you don’t have it). Cook it with the dressing.

Ladle the cooked ingredients into a dish. Top with cottage cheese and potatoes. Sprinkle with hot sauce. That’s it!
Now wasn’t that the easiest thing you’ve ever heard! Well, next to pouring cereal in a bowl, of course. But this is much better. It looks more impressive!
Everything should be topped with something golden and crunchy…
Wheee! Look at it do a back-bend! Potato doing yoga!
Creamy, crunchy, spicy, peanut buttery…mmmm…
  Now, isn’t this the perfect college student’s meal?

But on to the perfect college student’s snack…

I once said I hate bars. Okay, not just once. Several times, in fact. Well, I put my foot in my mouth, because I’ve decided that I do like bars. Love them, in fact. It just depends on what bars they are.

Perfect Foods Bar sent me two of each of the following bars:

• Carob Chip
• Peanut Butter
• Fruits & Nuts
• Cranberry Crunch (Lite)

Here’s what they say about their bars:

“Perfect Foods Bars are made from a delicious creamy blend of organic peanut butter and honey. The organic honey provides quick balanced energy and the added omega-3 “healthy fats” increase endurance. There’s also plenty of easy to digest, alkaline forming protein for immediate tissue repair. Enjoy this innovative approach to consuming over 30 different high nutrient foods not readily available in today’s fast pace society.”

Okay, peanut butter and honey. What’s not to love? Plus they’ve got 30 different high nutrient foods. But what about the taste?

Well, all I can say is: I’m not sure if Perfect Foods Bar is the perfect food, but it is the perfect bar indeed. Oh Em Gi. So. Freaking. Good.
  They just completely melt in your mouth like fudge. I store them in the fridge, so when they enter my mouth it is cold and firm, but then slowly dissolves in my tongue…a delicious blend of pure peanut butter and intense honey…
The only thing is that it isn’t mixed with all the artificial crap, so the taste is pretty strong, bold, and intense…not a bad thing at all, but you just don’t want to finish the whole bar in one sitting, or it does get rather cloying. 
 I think I’ve waxed enough poetry about Perfect Foods Bar. My conclusion is this: Larabar, bye bye. You guys really got to check this stuff out!

Another bar that I’ve really enjoyed was sent by my freaking sweet friend Natalie from Eating to Live Life After ED:
They’re called Spring Hill gourmet bars, and they were amazing. Once again, I chilled them in the fridge first. And they’re incredibly crumbly, buttery, and exactly like a shortbread cookie.

Here’s the Wildberry & Nougat one:
And the Chocolate & Oat one:
And my personal favorite, the Muesli bar:

Sorry, I don’t know where to get them here in the States. Of course. All the good stuff has to be somewhere else! Sigh. Well, we can only dream that they’ll sell them in U.S. stores someday…

Speaking of dreams…Here’s today’s question of the day:

Had any good dreams lately? Is there a dream that you are actively going to pursue instead of wishing for it to come true?

Killing You Softly…With My Words…

As a writer, I should already know too well the power of words. Oh my word. Words: they blurt out so quickly from our mouths, they type out so nonchalantly from our fingers. Sometimes they have the miraculous power to heal and uplift a person, but at other times…every single of the same word can be like a silent dagger…killing someone softly.

Murderer.

Jesus Christ said that you don’t have to actually kill someone to be a murderer. The very emotion of hatred within you, or a simple word cursing or insulting someone…that is in itself a murder.

If so…I’ve got some crimson blood stains in my hands. Because the anger and hatred inside of me…and the words I’ve uttered…they have been killing many, many people softly…silently…painfully…

Murderer.

After a few days of not responding to calls, I finally got in a good conversation with my mom yesterday. The last time I’d spoken to her, I’d been screaming my head off, because guess what? She was the messenger to the news that upset me so much about a week ago. And I’d been mad— and bitter— that she would take my friend’s side. I hung up before she could explain more.

I didn’t realize it until yesterday, because I had been so immersed in my own thoughts and selfish emotions, that I had also deeply hurt my parents. Guilt and remorse stabbed me deep in the heart, and I felt even worse because I knew that no matter what I did or said, my parents still loved me, and cared enough for me to call. If it was anybody else, I doubt that they would have done the same, or forgiven me so readily.

Honestly, my words have gotten me into so much trouble ever since I was young. If it isn’t obvious already, I am unable to contain my thoughts and opinions and emotions. I need to say what I want to say, and I need to reveal every single dirty little secret about me. Some of you have commended me for being honest…well, honesty is a pain in the ass sometimes, especially if you don’t know how to control it, and especially if you’ve got a particularly volatile and uh, evil personality.

In a way, I’m so freaking glad I have not spoken to my friend yet, because who knows what I would have done or said to ruin our friendship forever? Words kill. And words can never, ever be taken back. Apologies help, but they can only do so much.

I think I need a permanent tape over my mouth. I also need a restraining device to keep my fingers from typing hurtful things, be it on my cell phone or through email, or g-chat. Anybody know where they sell these things?

Anyway. I was like a piping hot burning coal before, but now that I’m all cooled down…I’ve only now realized how childish, petulant, and ridiculous I was acting. If there’s anything I learned, it’s to never let your emotions speak before you. You’ll make a fool out of yourself, and you’ll burn someone innocent.

I’ve made a resolution to myself: When I’m upset, or angry, or hurt, I will always make God my first priority. I will turn to Him first, because He alone will truly and completely understand me, and He alone will be able to withstand my tantrums, and He alone will give me the wisdom and prudence that I need. Only after I’ve calmed down and listened to Him, will I open my mouth and speak to others.

In honor of the last time I ever become a spicy, hot pepper full of burning words, I present to you a hot and spicy dish. It’s very much like how I was before—hot and red with hatred and anger—but add in a few sweet ingredients in, and top with a runny egg in the middle…and it all balances out.

I know I’ll never become one of those gentle, placid, sweet souls…but with a touch of wisdom, guidance, and prudence from God, all that remains is a complex dish, but very well-rounded so that it doesn’t sting.

Gnocchi-bokki
(a variation of the traditional Korean tteokbokki)

• 2 cups commercial spinach gnocchi, uncooked
• 2 heaping spoonfuls gochujang
• 2 heaping spoonfuls soy sauce
• 1/4 cup kabocha puree (or pumpkin)
• 1 tsp honey (or sugar)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• pinch red pepper flakes
• chicken broth
• 2 links sausages, sliced
• 1/2 cup chopped radicchio (red cabbage)
• 1/2 large zucchini, julienned
• 1 carrot, shaved into strips
• handful raisins
• 2 sheets nori, shredded
• handful sharp cheddar cheese
• 2 poached eggs

Get a pot of salted water to boil. Cook the gnocchi according to package directions.

Meanwhile, mix together the gochujang, soy sauce, kabocha puree, honey, garlic, red pepper flakes, and enough broth to make a nice sauce. You can adjust the amount of broth to your own taste depending on how spicy you want it.

Cook the sausages, radicchio, zucchini, and carrot in the spicy sauce. Bring the liquid up to a boil, the simmer until thickened. Stir in the cooked gnocchi, raisins, and nori.

Dish up the gnocchi-bokki into 2 servings, and sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Top with a poached egg each, and you’re ready to dig in!
As I was assembling this dish, I was muttering, “God, this looks like cat puke.” But Mimi was gushing, “It looks gorgeous!” Hm. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder! But that’s for another moral story .
But I have to say: this was freaking awesome. Great kick of spice, but harmonized with the gentle sweetness of the kabocha, honey, and raisins.
And that yolk, oh that yolk! Oozing out and mixing with the red-hot sauce and nori, it totally mellowed the whole dish out with a perfect umami factor! Ooh la la~
This dish was definitely inspired by my favorite Korean dish, tteokbokki. The sauce is similar (except I added kabocha), the hard-boiled egg I replaced with a poached egg, and I also added the raisins, nori, and zucchini as bonus ingredients.
The gnocchi wasn’t bad, but, eh. Commercial gnocchi just doesn’t measure up.
And yeah, I lied. These are not sausages. They are HOT DOGS! Please don’t give me crap about them. I love these overly-processed, unnaturally-pink fat wieners! Mimi calls them…something else…something dirty, which I will not mention on this blog for the sake of my appetite.
My plate:
 Mimi’s plate:
BURP!
Gosh, I hate my hair. Can’t wait till it grows out!

Okay, that was random. I should apply the “Don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” rule to myself.

Question of the day: Are you a MURDERER?

Just kidding, tee hee hee! But seriously: do you need a human mouth-tape like I do? How do you keep yourself from speaking rashly and saying hurtful words?

Somewhere There is a Rainbow

It’s been four days. Four days of frowning, grumbling, moping, and sulking. Thank you all for sticking with me through my thunder-cloud days. I don’t even think I could have been so patient with myself.

God wasn’t as patient though. He kind of slapped me over the head and said, “Okay. That’s enough. Don’t you think you’ve had enough of this self-pity party? Time to get up and stop making a fool of yourself.”

I whined. He insisted, “Talk to me.” I resisted. And then, finally, I did. And He made me see the rainbow in all this bullahoo.

I think throughout the previous four days, my perception had been seriously clouded by a thunderstorm of my own impulsive, raw emotions. I was battered by my own hail-like emotions, but I lacked the wisdom to find shelter. Such emotions are inevitable and unavoidable, as is nature, but I did not have to stand out in the open to let myself drown in that stormy rain of negative emotions. I could have sought solace. I could have sought warmth and comfort.

I admit, I was being masochistic. There is something sickly satisfying and pleasing about self-victimization. It’s equivalent to getting wounded in a battle—you turn that scar into a self-glorifying trophy in order to forget about how much it actually hurt, and also to turn the situation around and not come out as the pathetic loser.

Thus, I purposely rejected human contact. I purposely avoided God. And now, tail between my legs, I have returned to His arms, wet and chilled to the bones by that storm, but with a lesson well-learned: When there’s a storm, rush inside your freaking house. And to me, my home abides in God.

Have I sorted out my emotions yet? Nope, it’s still raining outside. But they no longer hurt or pain me as much. And as time goes by, I’m sure it will abate even more. In the meantime, I need to seek warmth, fill myself with good, hot food, and view the storm outside with objectivity, wisdom, empathy, and understanding.

One thing that God has touched into my heart: every single soul I have met was placed into my life by Him.

Even a stranger whom I greeted in the metro, or the classmate I never talk to in History class…they were all put there for a reason by God. What more, then, my close friend of 10 whole years? Was it not God who arranged our meeting? And if it was God who arranged it…is it not a blessed relationship, no matter what rocky times there might be?

Thus I’ve made another conclusion: Our relationship is blessed. I might be bulleted with misunderstandings and hurt and anger right now, but ultimately, if I truly and sincerely believe that our meeting is blessed, and trust in God to lead the path, then I am sure to gain something positive from our relationship.

So what am I going to do specifically right now? I’m still not sure. But I am waiting. I am pretty sure she knows that I found out, so I will let her seek me with her explanation (because I am too proud to make the first move).

And I will listen, and I will try to understand. With God’s ability to grant me love and understanding, I believe we can fix something out. Even if we don’t, and even if she doesn’t try to explain, she and I once had a fun and pleasant relationship, and that itself is already a blessing.

So there you go. God’s little rainbow for me. For every storm, there has to be a rainbow, if you search hard enough. And guess what? I found one in my lunch bowl too!

Rainbow “Mix-it-up” Bowl

The base:

• one cup Trader Joe’s Freekeh (provided by Christina!)

The “mix-in”s:

• ground turkey
• 1/4 small onion
• 1/4 small bell pepper
• sliced radicchio (red cabbage)
• kale
• handful grapes
• handful raisins
• 1/2 orange, chopped

Coconut-Orange Marinade:

• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• juice of half an orange
• 1/4 cup POM juice
• 1/4 cup coconut milk
• balsamic vinegar (to taste)
• salt and pepper (to taste)

Toppings:

• handful feta cheese
• shredded basil leaves

First, make the dressing/marinade by mixing everything together. Taste it and if it isn’t sour enough, add some vinegar. Or if it isn’t sweet enough for you, add some sugar or honey.

Next, stir-fry the ground turkey with the onion and bell pepper. Dump in the marinade, and add the radicchio and kale and grapes. Stir and heat until cooked through.

Once the cabbage is cooked, stir in the freekeh with the raisins and orange. Grind in more black pepper to season if you like.

Dish it out, and top with feta cheese and basil leaves.
Now, I don’t think it’s necessary to explain why it’s called Rainbow! Ain’t the colors gorgeous?
Honestly, it’s exactly how a “mix-it-up” bowl should be: totally random ingredients. Just a slip-slap of whatever ingredients you’ve got in the fridge.
But it turned out utterly delicious! I really, really really love freekeh…that stuff is so delightfully chewy! I’ve only got about 2 tablespoons left…So sad.
It’s amazing what coconut milk can do to a dish. Just a couple tablespoons, and you’ve already got a really lovely taste, and an invisible creaminess to the dish.
It’s not everyday I eat something so colorful, so I took lots of pictures. I’m not trying to be annoying, tee hee hee!
Ah! One last more! One big mouthful!

Oh, by the way, a little angel reminded me that I have so many more precious relationships across the country…
 Biz sent me a mighty sweet package!
Asian snacks! I love! Hello Panda! Hello Kitty! Why do they all start with hello? Hello hello haarrrlooow~
More great ingredients to experiment with! Korean BBQ sauce, Soul Food seasoning, and Panko!
And something to encourage more delicious slurping!

Whoa hahahaha! It feels great to smile and laugh! I know I’ve been acting like a major whiner with chronic PMS lately, and I want to thank you all for enduring the past two negative posts. I really, really appreciate your amazing and wise advice and comforting words. You guys…seriously rock my socks!

Question of the day: Let’s all just share one relationship you are thankful for…it can be something really random too.

I’m thankful for the traffic lady who is always reading her bible in the morning before she monitors the traffic and who always says a cheerful “Good morning” to me as I run past her, late for class! It just puts me in a sweeter mood for some reason.

This is What “Confused” Tastes Like

A million thanks to all of your sweet and comforting comments! I can’t express how much they meant to me.

This post is going to be one of the hardest I’ve ever written, simply for the reason that I am still very, very confused and have yet to reach a definite resolution. A lot of complicated emotions are swimming in turmoil within me, and I have a feeling that they may not so much have to do with the situation between my friend and me, but more so from my own insecurities and hidden wounds.

Honestly, I thought I would be over it by now. I took a break from everything yesterday, just spending time by myself, declining even a movie invitation by Mimi. But all I’ve gotten out of it is intense loneliness, and the ache of a lost friend.

Right now I’m at a point where I don’t even want to think about it, yet a lot of negative thoughts are stinging me like a bee in my pants. My tear ducts seem to have a been screwed loose because tears keep flowing whether I like it or not. And I just want to shake myself and scream, “Seriously, Sophia, get a freaking grip of yourself, you Drama Queen!”

I haven’t felt such a surge of emotions in a long time…emotions that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I guess I should welcome the change, but…I don’t know how to deal with them. I haven’t dealt with such real emotions for a very long time, because…well, for 4-5 years now, all I’ve ever cared about was me, myself, and my ED.

How do you deal with emotions? Especially such negative emotions such as anger, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, depression, and loneliness?

A long time ago (or seems like it), I simply blocked them out. I would go out and walk for hours, I would turn all the negative feelings into feelings of fatness, I would restrict and just do whatever it took to harm myself. Starving gave me a strange high equivalent to that of drugs, and I would become almost delirious in hunger and weakness. But now…I can’t do that anymore.

I need to face my emotions, but I feel like a coward. I want to hide, I want to brush them away, I want to suppress them and forget about them.

But once again…I can’t. I think I’ve forced them down to the point that everything is flying back at me like a released spring. And going back to my eating disordered ways is no longer an option. So there’s no more option left…but to deal with my issues…the normal, healthy way.

But again…how? That is the question.

Anyway. Somehow my confusion seems to have transferred to my cooking as well, because I came up with a strange concoction…basically a mix of random things. But hey, it actually tasted pretty good. So here it is:

Confused Quesadilla with Eggs, Two Ways

• 2 corn tortillas
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• handful white mushrooms, diced
• handful mung-bean sprouts
• handful kidney beans
• 2 spoonfuls salsa (I used Habanero-Lime)
• 2 eggs, beaten
• handful mozzarella cheese
• 1/4 cup cottage cheese
• 1/4 cup refried beans
• 1 egg
• handful Parmesan cheese

First, cook the garlic in a fry pan for a few seconds. Then add in the mushrooms and stir-fry for about a minute. Add in the sprouts, kidney beans, and salsa. Cook for about 1 minute. Add in the beaten eggs, and let it cook (no stirring) until the eggs are set.

Meanwhile, microwave the tortillas between a wet towel for 30 seconds. Take one of the tortillas, and place the egg-frittata on it with the mozzarella cheese sprinkled on top:
Then place the second tortilla on top:
Grill it on  Mr. George Foreman (What? By now  you should already know I grill anything I can get my hands on…).
  At the same time, fry the third egg. Mix the cottage cheese with the refried beans. When the quesadilla is done and the tortillas are nice and crispy, top it with the cottage cheese-refried beans mixture, and then top with the fried egg and Parmesan cheese. And you’re done!
Tell me: Are you confused already? What kind of dish is this? Asian sprouts? Cooked in salsa? Sandwiched between corn tortillas? Grilled? Topped with fried egg? And what is with that random cottage cheese stuff?
Aiyah, I don’t care what it is— it was damn freaking good. Now you see why I can’t go back to my eating disordered ways anymore…I’ve discovered the pleasures of food.
For your information, this was a messy dish to eat. But I did not use any fork. Forks are for pretentious people. Nope, I just split it in half and ate it like a sandwich.
Some of the yolk got on my fingers, but I just licked it right off. That’s the way to eat a runny yolk! >.<
  The salsa I used was from the birthday package sent by Christina:
 Love it. Spicy, yet sort of sour, and full of flavor!

Okay, I’ve decided to change the name of this dish to Confucious Quesadilla…Confused+Delicious=Confucious…

Get it? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!! Oh, Sophia, you are just sooooo funny! Oh ho ho ho!
Please excuse me. I’m in a confused state right now.

Question of the day: How do you deal with your emotions? Do you ignore them, or face them?

Poisoned

I was going to share my story about the missed flight, but that will have to wait till next time. I actually wasn’t even going to blog tonight, because I’m feeling really vile and crappy right now. But somehow…I think writing will make me feel better, because screaming and crying sure didn’t.

So…just a head’s up: this post isn’t going to be delicious in the least.

I received some extremely upsetting news this afternoon. I found out that a really close friend of mine have been lying bare-faced to me all along. I’ve suspected the truth some time ago, but each time I asked, she denied it outright. I was skeptical at first, but I’d asked several times, and she kept insisting that she was telling the truth, so I trusted her. And now, the truth is out.

I know she didn’t have any bad or harmful intentions, and I know she didn’t mean to hurt me at all—but all the same, I feel…torn. I feel…angry. I feel rejected, I feel indignant, I feel betrayed.

Yes, it all starts with an “I”. I hate the fact that I’m hailing myself as the self-glorified victim of this whole thing, I hate the fact that I can’t stop the surge of negative emotions that are pulsing through my veins right now. Oh, God, I just…hate, hate, hate it all!

In just about three weeks I’m supposed to go back home for winter break, and then I’ll have to face her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back. I can’t put on a fake smiley face and pretend it’s all right. And I know myself—I’ll burst and there’ll be a wild explosion of fury and hurtful words. And then I’ll hate myself, and I’ll hate her for making me hate myself, and it’ll be…a big, hideous mess of vicious hatred.

I have not even told her that I’ve found out the truth. Many a times I’ve picked up my cell phone to send her an angry text message, only to put it down. There are so many things I know I want to say, except right now I only seem to be able to articulate, “You f**king liar!”

I understand I need to listen to her side of the story. But right now, I’m a mess, and I can’t talk to anyone without injecting poison. So, I’ve decided to be silent. I will wait till I calm down before I act or say anything. Lord willing, I will be able to calm down soon.

So here’s my plea to Time: please heal and erase all these filthy thoughts and emotions within me. Hate and anger are leeching every drop of joy and peace from me, and I can feel their poison in my blood, turning me into a hateful being from inside-out. I can’t concentrate, and I can’t see reason beyond my own self-absorbed emotions.

Dear God…please, help me. Help me breathe. Help me see. Help me understand. Help me forgive. Help me love. Help me…be at peace again.

Why I <3 Food Bloggers (Grand Finale…Promise!)

So…even with a mind-blowingly fabulous event like this Foodbuzz Festival, I have to say it’s a good thing everything comes to a end at some point, or I would have swung from modest food celebration to hedonistic debauchery and gluttony.

And I’d say it ended just as fabulously. In fact, it was perfect: I left a little sad, a little reluctant, but full and satisfied for the time being, and with a real, fluttering sense of excitement for the next event. And I didn’t leave empty-handed, either. I had a suitcase and carry-on bag stuffed with free swag, and a heart warmed by all the camaraderie I shared with my fellow food bloggers.

I have to say, I was still feeling rather stuffed when I walked into the Greenleaf Produce Warehouse for our final dinner event. But the sight of this guy slapping slabs of meat onto the grill, and the lovely aroma that was wafting from the searing meat warmed my stomach up to the idea of food again:
Look at his utter delight. He was smiling and chuckling as all us food bloggers formed a circle around him to take pictures. His moment of fame. It was endearing.

The only gripe about this place is that it was freezing. I mean, it’s basically a house-size refrigerator for produce, and San Francisco is always chilly at night. I felt like a human ice-cube! Thankfully, the place was also packed with food bloggers, and the body heat warmed the place right up.
Our host for that event was the crew from Outstanding in the Field, a unique event planner which brings the hard work of local farmers and food artisans, chefs and winemakers onto our plates.

I’m guessing these were the local produce they used:
Our first course being prepped up:
I love that there isn’t even a screen to divide us from our cooks!
Rows and rows of long tables were set up with wine glasses and individualized dishes:
After about half an hour of mingling and cocktails, we were introduced to the people who made this dinner happened, and then we were seated and served:
Everything was served family-style, so each section of the table got a huge plate to share:
This was our starter: a mix of pickled items like kimchi, pickled greens, pickled broccoli, leeks, and yellow beans. They were a great way to start of the night. I did not have much of an appetite, but the sweet and sour vegetables coaxed some saliva into my mouth, and I started to really anticipate the next dish.

Especially when it turned out to be soup:
 Mushroom dashi, Maitake, Shimeji, enoki mushrooms…Or so it says on the menu, but there was more depth to it! There were some kind of pickled radish in there, that added a shot of acidity into the otherwise umami-broth. Unfortunately, it was luke-warm. It was freezing. And my soup was cold. I was disgruntled.

Next, a noodle salad:
 Udon, grilled Monterey Calamari in a browned butter ponzu reduction, cucumber, kaiware, frisee, & yellow pear tomato with gochujang and sesame vinaigrette.
I am not a fan of squid. In fact, I detest them. But this was actually cooked really, really well. It wasn’t tough at all, but was the right balance of doneness and chewability, with a perfect amount of char. The udon was totally unnecessary, though.

The next dish took about half an hour to arrive, so I had the pleasure of striking up conversations with my tablemates. I sat next to Maggie and Coco and Sabrina, and across from Sherman, Jared, Julie, and Zoe.

I loved it! I loved how intimate this dinner was. Before then I was all over the place, running here and there chasing after the food. Now that the food was served to me, I could focus more on just enjoying the company. Since I was sitting in the middle, I took turns joining in both sides of the conversations, and never once got bored.
I’ve already heaped praises on Maggie and Coco, but Sabrina is yet another beautiful person I feel so lucky to meet. I’ll bet you guys know her already, but here’s my opinion of her firsthand: she is gorgeous, not just outside but inside, with loud, enthusiastic exclamations and ultra-friendly and personable. She makes you feel like you are best buddies the moment you meet.

Sherman, Jared, and Julie and all restaurant bloggers in Vancouver, Seattle, and Cincinnati respectively. I was thrilled to talk to someone who doesn’t have a healthy living blog! Don’t get me wrong, but I do read blogs other than food journals, and it was fascinating to learn the perspective of restaurant reviewers who actually get recognized by chefs. Sherman may start a recipe blog soon, though. I’m trying to get him to swing over to wordpress.

Zoe is the co-author of the cookbook Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day. When she introduced herself I turned to Sabrina excitedly and squealed, “She’s a celebrity!”

Yes, I am a total dork. But I was thrilled nonetheless to sit only a few seats away from a successful cookbook author and blogger! By the way, she’s also really sweet and nice.

I also sat a few feet away from Kath and Co:
It was fun to see them in action!
Finally, our fish course arrived:
 Sea trout (salmon) baked with dashikombu, fried garlic, and Japanese curry powder
Do you see that piece of fried seaweed! I ate that too! Yay, iodine!

I was pleasantly surprised to see that the salmon was raw in the middle:
Loved it! Especially that fried garlic…It was amazing! Full of flavor, extremely fresh, and no sliminess!

Alongside came this risotto dish, which I have been waiting for the whole night:
 Mushroom risotto with koshihikari rice, and crispy maitake mushrooms
Unfortunately, this was the most disappointing dish of the night. It was basically flavorless, and the texture was gloppy. Good risotto is supposed to glide into your mouth like silk, but this was like congealed rice pudding.

I nursed my disappointment with some seltzer water:
Oh em gi. I want one! This was freaking refreshing! I need to get a soda-maker. It will cure my diet-soda addiction for sure! I loved that I had all the fizzy carbonation without the sweetness!

The next dish, was the best.freaking.dish ever of the whole entire festival, and I’m not exaggerating in the least:
 Roasted brussel sprouts, ponzu fried garlic, guanciale (Italian bacon), bonito flakes
I had three huge servings. I just had to. It was out of the world. It had all that texture and fascinating, intense flavors, and all the bacon fat that is so, so, so, SO good. I might have dropped a few f-bombs and used the Lord’s name in vain as I munched on these crunchy, chewy, greasy petite cabbage.

Even Sherman, who dislikes brussel sprouts, said they were f—king good. Uh, maybe not in those exact terms, but I didn’t quite catch the exact wording since I was in Brussels & Pork Cheek Ecstasy.

Final savory dish was Soy braised beef cheeks and oxtails, braised baby carrots and fingerling potatoes, OB Beer and denjang demi:
My bursting belly cried out to me to stop. My brain coaxed it to accept one more bite. After the first bite, both my belly and brain asked for 2 more servings. It was that good. Seriously. The beef cheeks? Incredibly melt-in-the-mouth tender. And I hate beer, but apparently I love it in my food! Wow!

Finally it was time for dessert, but we were asked to move out to congratulate the winners of the 2009 Foodbuzz Blog Awards! Unfortunately we had to leave a bit early because Maggie’s fiancé, Bobby (who is really good-looking by the way), was waiting. But I did get a bite of dessert:
 Koshihikari rice pudding, cookie crumbles, and Warren pear.
It was okay. The pear was from Frog Hollow Farm and thus orgasmic, but the rice pudding was bland. I just ate the pear and cookie part, then took off with an aching belly into Maggie’s car.

And there you have it. The beginning of an end to the glorious Foodbuzz Festival. I say it’s the beginning, because:

1. I hope the experiences and friendships I’ve gained from this event will last for a very, very long time.
   
2. This event once again proved to me how much I have changed. Gina mentioned in a sweet comment whether last year I would even have been able set a foot in the doors of this amazing event.

   No, I would not have. The limitedless, carby, greasy, and unpredictable food would have left me running away screaming. But this time, I didn’t even have an ounce of anxiety or fear in me. In fact, it didn’t even occur to be that I would have freaked out until Gina mentioned it to me. Instead of running away, I ran towards the food. Just ask the Chicharrones servers.
   

3. And this brings me to the story of the missed flight on Sunday afternoon that I so desperately want to tell you. But until next time…

A special shout-out to Brandi, Two Boos Who Eat, Shannon, Janetha, Linda, Sippity Sup, Elizabeth, Jasmine, Cupcakes Take the Cake, Teenage Glutster, and the Foodbuzz people!! So nice to meet you!

And dear Lauren, Duo Dishes, Ashley, Meghan, and Karena: So sad we couldn’t meet…Fingers, toes, arms, and legs crossed that I can meet you next time!

Last shout-out to Maggie and Coco:
LOVE you guys! Loved gossiping, running, blogging, and midnight snacking with you!
Say…
…KIMCHI~!! (The Korean way of “say cheese!”)

P.S. There is a blur at the upper left corner of all my pictures because there was a smudge on my camera lens which I was not aware of until it was too late! Grrr….

P.P.S. Yeah, yeah, I finally revealed myself. I figured since my picture is up on other bloggers’ blog anyway so why not? I’m not too scary-looking.